‘Strange Wilderness’ scrapes bottom

Alonso Duralde Film critic

February may be too early to start thinking about year-end lists, but frankly, I’ll be shocked if I see 10 movies in 2008 that are worse than “Strange Wilderness,” a movie so wretched that its studio refused to put its logo on it. (Paramount Pictures is the guilty party here, incidentally.) This comedy about stoned nature photographers constitutes 87 of the most painful minutes you’ll ever spend in a movie theater.

The once-talented Steve Zahn stars as Peter Gaulke (which, coincidentally, is also the name of the film’s co-writer), the son of a legendary TV wildlife host attempting to maintain the family tradition. Alas, his show “Strange Wilderness” gets stuck in the 3 a.m. slot on a local TV station. Not that you can blame the station — the footage for the show was all obviously shot in the 1970s, and Peter’s voice-overs include factual nuggets like “Birds eat hundreds of ants every year.”

When the station threatens to cancel the show, Peter tries to save the day by tracking down Bigfoot. He assembles a ragtag crew — including never-funny Sandler regular Allen Covert as soundman Fred Wolf (which, coincidentally, is the name of the film’s director and other writer), usually-funny-but-not-this-time Judd Apatow regular Jonah Hill, funny-in-Broken-Lizard-movies Kevin Heffernan and funny-anywhere-but-here Justin “I’m a Mac” Long.

Their travels involve losing money and making more money, losing an RV and gaining an airplane, Hill speaking with a half-assed Southern accent, attacks by pygmies and multiple trips to emergency rooms for injuries involving sharks, a turkey that attaches itself to Zahn’s privates, and a lowrider.

Quick facts Starring: Steve Zahn, Jonah Hill, Allen Covert Director: Fred Wolf Run time: 1 hour, 27 minutes MPAA rating: R

Just describing the movie makes it sound more amusing and coherent than it actually is. Screenwriters Gaulke and Wolf obviously have no time for outdated concepts such as “plot” or “characters,” so the movie sort of shuffles itself from incident to incident.

That would be just dandy as long there were actual jokes or anything remotely funny from time to time. (Unless, of course, you think that pot smoking is in and of itself hilarious.) Instead, we get characters giggling for what seems like five minutes over the fact that they meet a man named “Dick,” as well as a running gag involving — wait for it — a joy buzzer.

There is not enough marijuana growing on the planet to make “Strange Wilderness” amusing for even the least discerning of audiences. Those unfortunate souls who do get roped into the theater can amuse themselves, as I did, by pondering questions such as “Why is Oscar-winner Ernest Borgnine in this mess?” or “Didn’t Steve Zahn used to be a good actor?” or “Did the writers make this stuff up as they went along, or did they transcribe the screenplay from a bunch of sixth-graders at a slumber party who cracked themselves up by talking dirty into a tape recorder?” or “Didn’t Paramount proudly stamp its logo on ‘Transformers’?”

If you really want to see a movie about slackers looking for Bigfoot, rent the oddball cult comedy “Drawing Flies.” Just say no to “Strange Wilderness.”

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