XLII things to expect on Super Bowl Sunday
Lots to follow from Brady to Burress, Manning to Moss and Seau to Strahan
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It strikes me that for this edition, there is an enormous amount of interest, but almost no drama. The interest is in whether the 18-0 Patriots (and no, I won’t convert that into Roman numerals, even if I knew how) can become the 19-0 Patriots; in whether Bill Belichick and the Pats can stick it to their Spygate persecutors; whether Tom Brady’s ability to limp into Gisele Bundchen’s apartment will translate into an ability to evade the Giants’ pass rush; whether Eli Manning can possibly join brother Peyton in the Super Club; and whether Randy Moss has found a permanent home.
But drama? Few expect the Patriots to lose. Without any real sense of uncertainty about the outcome, how can there be drama?
Yet there will be a thousand points of interest. Here are just XLII of them, things to expect in and around this Super Bowl:
1. After the game, Tom Brady will receive another marriage proposal — from Robert Kraft.
2. At halftime, security will be given instructions to keep Justin Timberlake away from Tom Petty’s nipples.
3. The Mannings — Archie, Peyton and Eli — will be presented with a special award commemorating the fact that they have now endorsed every product ever produced since time began.
4. During the postgame celebration, Randy Moss will be told he can have his extension. He will then ask, “Contract or restraining order?”
5. Bill Belichick will refuse to disclose whether he will use a Canon or Nikon spy camera during the game.
6. Gisele Bundchen and Abby McGrew will meet and chat and discover that they have absolutely nothing in common except the fact that they’re both dating Super Bowl quarterbacks.
7. The 1972 Miami Dolphins will be unhappy after the Patriots go undefeated, but they’ll pop champagne anyway because they have nothing else to do these days except drink.
8. Michael Strahan will have no impact on the game whatsoever, but he’ll make it sound later as if he should have been named MVP.
9. Tom Brady will be named Super Bowl MVP, but he’ll decline the trophy, explaining, “I don’t have any more room for it.”
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10. Tiki Barber will try to use the fact that Eli Manning wasn’t able to lead the underdog Giants to a history-making upset of the unbeaten Pats as evidence that he was right about Eli all along.
11. Wes Welker will catch everything that is thrown to him, but will be denied access to the Patriots’ postgame lockerroom because security guards will refuse to believe he’s with the team.
12. Rodney Harrison will become the first player in Super Bowl history to be accused of a dirty hit during pregame warm-ups.
13. Brett Favre will be interviewed during the game and announce that he isn’t ready to make an announcement.
14. Brady and Giselle will agree to meet at her apartment in New York City after the Patriots win to have a little “Super Tuesday” of their own.
15. At one point early on, the officials will stop the game and huddle to discuss the issue, “What the heck kind of a name is Plaxico?”
16. What appears to be another racy GoDaddy.com Super Bowl television commercial turns out instead to be a short documentary on Pacman Jones.
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18. The local Phoenix utilities company reports a massive disruption in service that threatens the game as the result of talk radio shows from across the country all unplugging at the same time at the league’s media headquarters.
19. Junior Seau will admit to his teammates during a pregame meeting that it isn’t right for a 39-year-old man to go by the name “Junior.”
20. Tom Coughlin will use a photo of his face from the NFC title game in Green Bay to remind his players about red-zone efficiency.
21. Jessica Simpson will attend the game wearing a specially designed jersey with Patriots’ colors and No. 12 on the front and Giants’ colors and No. 10 on the back. She will then be asked to leave by both teams.
22. The Giants will make a formal request to Tom Petty that he please play “I Won’t Back Down” instead of “Free Fallin’.”
23. Commissioner Roger Goodell will slip up during postgame ceremonies and refer to Bill Belichick as “Hoodie Boy.”
24. Randy Moss will catch everything that is thrown to him. But because he will be double-teamed, only one pass will be thrown to him.
25. Pregame introductions will take so long, they will have an intermission.
26. Because the Super Bowl will be held at University of Phoenix Stadium, everyone in attendance will receive a free online degree.
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27. Matt Leinart will arrive for the game accompanied by Wilmer Valdarrama, Nick Lachey and Danny Masterson but will be denied entry and told at the gate, “Sorry, sir. We don’t have a C list.”
28. Daniel Snyder, disguised in a referee’s uniform, will be whisked away by security after he attempts to interview both Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin for the Redskins’ head coaching position.
29. Deion Sanders will question why LaDainian Tomlinson isn’t in the game until he’s informed that he isn’t a member of either team.
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