Rambo, is that you? It’s time to retire

Is it me or is does it seem like the 1980s all over again? There’s a new “Rambo” film in theaters, there was a “Rocky” film last year, and in a few months a fourth “Indiana Jones” film will be playing in multiplexes across the known universe.

Oh, wait! It’s not the 1980s; it’s just Hollywood execs cashing in on the characters of yesteryear.

Here is a list of characters, both memorable and forgettable, that Hollywood has never learned to say goodbye to.

Rambo
Public Enemy No. 1 for film lovers is this monosyllabic mouthing Vietnam vet, who, after the original “First Blood” and 1985’s “Rambo,” keeps coming back for one more bloodbath because ... well, truth be told, I don’t know why. Will the YouTube Generation actually pay see a 61-year-old Sylvester Stallone kick butt in a Third World jungle with really loud (and bad) rock music in the background? Maybe, if they’re looking for a good laugh. That’s the only reason why this thirtysomething — who is old enough to remember using his hard-earned allowance back in 1985 to see “Rambo” — would consider going to see this cinematic atrocity.

Indiana Jones
Using the adventure/superhero serials of the 1930s and 1940s as a reference, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford created this beloved character, who has taken on almost mythical proportions. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is pulp fiction at is very best: an adventurer-professor, lost treasures, Jewish mysticism, exotic locales, romance, and, of course, everyone’s favorite baddies, Nazis. (Who doesn’t like watching Nazi butts kicked?) But the follow-up, “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,” was too kitsch. And the “final” chapter, “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” featuring Sean Connery as Jones’ father, was too comical. My hopes for a fourth Indiana Jones movie aren’t very high.

John McClane
Although, I never much cared for the first “Die Hard” film, I can see why it was a success; one tough New York City cop takes on some international terrorists, in this case, Germans (remember when films still featured Europeans as terrorists?) and, after defeating them, saves his estranged wife. Silly? You bet. A great summer/popcorn flick? Sure. Of course, the saving grace here is Bruce Willis, a versatile actor, who imbues McClane with a humanity that his fellow 1980s stars, like Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, could only dream of. But that still doesn’t excuse three sequels, including last year’s “Live Free or Die Hard.”

Rocky Balboa
The first “Rocky,” for better or worse, made Stallone a star. And it is a great sports/David and Goliath fairy tale. Stallone is actually charming as a street tough who gets his one shot at the big time. And the triumphant music didn’t hurt either. But while “Rocky II” was still a viable sequel, everything went to hell when Mr. T showed up in “Rocky III.” And then there’s the one where he’s fighting the Russian (or is it an alien? I can’t remember) and finally the one where he takes on a young protege to train. Stallone dragged poor Rocky out of mothballs last year for a sixth round in the ring and the results were just laughable.

Paul Kersey
Before there was a “Rambo” or a “Die Hard” there was “Death Wish.” Tough guy actor Charles Bronson plays peace-loving Paul Kersey who becomes a vigilante after his wife is beaten to death and his daughter gang-raped. The film, and the sequels it spawned, is pure exploitive nonsense whose legacy are today’s uber-violent video games like Grand Theft Auto.

Conan the Barbarian
Confession: anytime I’m flipping channels and I stumble across either Conan film, I’m hooked. The first film, “Conan the Barbarian,” tried (and failed) to deal with Robert E. Howard’s hero in a serious way. The ridiculous sequel, “Conan the Destroyer,” featuring two of the worst performances ever committed to celluloid (thanks Wilt Chamberlain and Grace Jones), was just an attempt by producers to make a more PG version that would attract a wider audience. Thank goodness a new Conan film is in the works (with “Hitman” director Xavier Gens at the helm), which will, reportedly, be true to Howard’s original vision. Let’s hope.

‘Mad Max’ Rockatansky
“Mad Max” is the 1979 Australian film about a dystopian future that launched Mel Gibson’s career, which is reason alone to hate it. But it was a huge success (made for $400,000, it went out to gross over $100 million). Like “Conan the Barbarian,” the sequel was toned down to make it less violent, and the result, “Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior,” was another massive box office hit. That film inevitably led to “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome,” and one awful theme song (and video) by Tina Turner. Thanks Mel — for nothing!

Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker
George Lucas just couldn’t walk away could he? He couldn’t stop after the silliness of the ewoks in “Return of the Jedi.” He had to give us more ridiculous dialogue, quasi-spiritual mumbo-jumbo and those offensive stereotypical accents (who knew there were aliens who speak like Charlie Chan?). Then for an encore he gives us a glimpse into the early life of one of cinema’s great all-time villains — Darth Vader — who turns out to be just a whiney little bee-yotch. That’s why Anakin switches to the Dark Side of the Force, becomes Darth Vader, and kills every last Jedi he can, until his son, Luke can grow up become a Jedi and kick his butt. Puts the whole “Star Wars” story in a different perspective, doesn’t it?

Predator
Unlike the “Alien” series, which actually got better with time (at least until Winona Ryder showed up) this sci-fi flick was a bomb and only got worse. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger bowed out after the first film, showing a rare display of cinematic judgment. Unfortunately, Predator and Alien continue to live like a pair of intergalactic Jason and Freddy Krueger figures, destined to keep fighting each other, as long as some sucker, er, moviegoer will plunk down cash to watch.

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