John Mayer steps up to the mic for Jessica

‘Idol’s’ ratings take a dive
The season premiere of “American Idol” delivered the show’s worst ratings in four years. Ratings were down 11 percent from last year, and were down 10 percent from 2006. That said, “Idol” still crushed the competition Jan. 15, but a decline wasn’t really expected given the dearth of programming available right now.

Here are some highlights from the Jan. 16 show:

8:02:23 p.m.
Paula is missing. We’re off to a great start.

8:07:18 p.m.
Jessica gets to go to Hollywood. Yikes. This is boring when people are good.

8:08:07 p.m.
Seriously, what is up with Simon and the v-necks. Last night it was Hanes, tonight he’s upgraded to a sweater. But still, too much information.

8:09:49 p.m.
Paul is about to be sacrificed. Is it possible that all the judges realize this is kind of mean? They’re actually having a hard time delivering the news this season.

8:18:18 p.m.
A medley of shame. I’m actually missing Alexis, last night’s Willem Dafoe lookalike who bathed in glitter.

8:27:18 p.m.
Meet Bruce. Meet Bruce’s dad. Bruce, 19, has never kissed a girl. His dad gave him a key on a necklace, which symbolizes his “promise” to his future wife (no specifics on what that promise is). Bruce’s dad has a heart (with a key cutout) on a necklace around his own neck, and we learn at some point, the heart necklace will be passed along to Bruce’s wife. That way, Bruce will have the key to her heart! (Except that technically, doesn’t Bruce already have the key to her heart, since it’s around his neck?)

8:28:43 p.m.
Simon meets Bruce. Look on Simon’s face: priceless.

8:29:53 p.m.
Bruce doesn’t make it, but asks for advice. Randy’s advice: Kiss some girls. Yeah, this season is pretty tame.

8:30:35 p.m.
This girl has a face tattoo, if I’m not mistaken. And there’s a tattoo on her skull. And she can sing. Wait, maybe this show is kind of awesome.

8:38:10 p.m.
Brandon from Mississippi reveals he has a collection of his clipped fingernails with him. I take back everything I said about this show being awesome. This is not fit for family television. The worst part? I like the song he sings, “Rich Girl,” by Hall and Oates. This show has put me in a terrible position.

8:51:56 p.m.
Another shame medley.

9:02:55 p.m.
It’s not right to mock this guy. He’s being taken to a “safe place” but I don’t think this was an act, which makes it all really awkward and sad. Back to my soul dying ...

9:08:21 p.m.
Simon says “love is deaf.” Maybe I don’t give Simon enough credit ...

9:20:23 p.m.
What I wrote at 9:02 p.m. — still applies. No “safe place” invoked, but the general idea is the same.

9:43 p.m.
Another horrible medley that showcases a dearth of talent and self awareness.

9:54:55 p.m.
The final audition. There are no words. “We’re brothers ’til the end of time,” he sings. I’m not sure who is in on the joke at this point, but I’ve had enough. Good night. I’m not sure If I’ll have it in me to do this next week.

9:57:38 p.m.
OMG, I take it back. I so take it back. Paula is pretending to sing along with the song, and it looks like she’s wearing some sort of wedding gown? And Randy and Ryan have joined in. And now Paula is doing a dance from “Forever Your Girl” or something. Maybe we are brothers ’til the end of time. Good night.

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