Hit it! Another celebrity Christmas song

Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson, “Winter Wonderland”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_6O8qtFu3M
This duet was taped for “The Osbourne Family Christmas Special” a few years back when Ozzy and Jessica were both MTV reality show stars. Truth be told, I can watch Jessica Simpson sing all day long. Her vocal and physical mannerisms are like Lay’s potato chips to me. Once I start in, I can’t stop. My favorite line of Jessica’s comes near the end: “To face unafraid the plans that we made.”  It’s got it all: the breathy purr, the bent notes, the reinvented vowels.  It’s Jessica-tastic.

But more than the singing, I’m obsessed with Jessica’s flirtatious performance, particularly in the early part of the video. She cannot turn down the sex kitten shtick for two seconds, even when her scene partner is cranky, old and married like Ozzy Osbourne. In fairness, maybe the horny subtext was set up in a previous sketch and makes sense in the context of the whole special, but I like thinking it’s just her regular M.O.

Midway through the clip, Jess and the Oz-man are seen outside building a snowman together. First off, I don’t think they really built that snowman. I think it was someone in the art department. Second, I love the moment where Ozzy takes the carrot from the snowman’s face and jams it in its midsection, giving their creation a roaring case of holiday priapism. Did Joe Simpson sign off on that or was he off somewhere finalizing Ashlee’s TV deal?  I wonder.

Ali Lohan, “Christmas Magic”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVGBYVq431E
Last year, Lindsay’s look-alike little sis, Ali, released a Christmas album called “Lohan Holiday.”  I’m not sure if the title refers to a holiday with the Lohan family or a holiday from the Lohan family but I’m on board either way. 

There’s blatant Christmas opportunism afoot here but I’m not blaming Ali, who was just 12 at the time. Mom Dina’s surely behind it. Where some parents say, “You’re grounded” or “Go to your room!” Ma Lohan probably said, “You’re cutting a Christmas album, young lady, and I don’t want to hear another word about it!” 

As for the song, the production is a bit of early ’90s Casio-keyboard heaven. In the video, Ali bears a striking resemblance to Lindsay and she has that same kind of grown-up huskiness to her voice. Her hair looks great, too, very shiny and manageable, like in a Pantene commercial.  I kept waiting for Ali to turn to the camera and say, “Just because your big sister misbehaves… doesn’t mean your hair has to.”

Overall, Ali is sweet and likable in her debut video, though she does seem a bit tentative, as if she’s thinking, “How did I get here?” She knows the words, though, and is perfectly happy to lip-sync them, which is more than we can say for a certain other Christmas chanteuse. 

So who are your favorite pop culture Christmas opportunists?  I’d love to check them out.  Anything to get that “Wonderland” song out of my head.

Dennis Hensley is the author of the books, Misadventures in the (213) and Screening Party and co-host of the nationally syndicated radio show, Twist.  http://www.dennishensley.com/

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