My G-string past won’t quit

Dr. Gail Saltz TODAY Contributor • Profile • E-mail

Q. I was a dancer — no, not nude — about 10 years ago. I did it so I could get my college degree. I had no family support, and I was young and foolish enough to believe I could get away with this without anyone knowing.

My past had caused me so many problems. Somehow, people always seem to find out. I am never confronted, never given an opportunity to address or explain the issue.

I have been fired. I have had my car vandalized. In my first marriage, I was physically attacked by my then-husband and spent a week at a woman's shelter with my 18-month-old. I met someone new, only to lose him after I told him about my past.

I never did anything that I should be ashamed of. But I do wish this would go away. What advice would you offer someone who has skeletons like this in the closet?

A. People move on. You do, and everyone else does, too. People do many things in their youth that others disapprove of, and that they themselves would not repeat. But if you are decent and well-meaning, most others will not continue to hold your past actions against you.

You say that people are indeed holding it against you. I question that. Is it possible others are reacting less to your past and more to something you are doing now? It sounds that you shoulder a heavy mantle of blame, and attribute everything bad that has ever happened to you on the fact people know you were an exotic dancer.

If you are getting negative feedback, it is probably because people are reacting to your own negativity.

It is hard to warn young people away from potentially harmful behavior. Maybe they need money or get a thrill from taking risks or enjoy having secrets.

In their formative years, people do things that later make them feel terrible. At that age, they don’t have the ability to accurately judge the consequences, or perhaps they feel a level of desperation or invincibility.

But you are not the only one — there are plenty of adults walking around who have done things they would never want the world to know about. That doesn’t prevent them from moving forward or from leading worthwhile lives.

Their associates who later find out about their less-than-ideal past rarely abandon, condemn or punish them, unless they themselves are rigid, small-minded thinkers who believe everyone must be truly ideal. There will always be people who judge you harshly, but there will be many more who understand.

People are fallible. Everyone has skeletons. Everyone believes, at times, that they just dodged a bullet. “But for the grace of God, there go I,” sums this up succinctly.

It sounds as though you are trying to get your life together, which is positive. But to do this, you don’t need to run from your past. I think you should stop acting ashamed. Rather than flagellating yourself, admit you made mistakes at a time when it seemed financially necessary. Start living more in the present and future than in the past.

If you stop feeling and therefore projecting to people around you that you are a bad girl, it is likely that others will stop sharing this view of you and treating you that way. Respect yourself and you will garner respect from others.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Everyone makes youthful mistakes. Stop blaming them for every future failure, and forgive yours.

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Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to TODAY. Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie.” She is also the author of “Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts,” which helps parents deal with preschoolers’ questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

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