Tech aplenty for cheaters, suspicious spouses

Athima Chansanchai

When Elvis Presley sang "Suspicious Minds," he probably never realized he'd be forever associated with this affair anthem, which spoke to his hound dog side. He was the King — but he was also the rock icon cliche of the guy who stepped out on his wife.

Back in those days, Elvis was on the road and surrounded by a protective entourage. Priscilla’s options to spy on him would have been limited. A PI would probably have not been out of the question.

But today, technology would be in her favor. Spouses have discovered that snooping isn’t just for Homeland Security, it’s something they can pick up without ever having to leave home. They can arm themselves with GPS phones, voice-activated recorders, keyloggers and online cell phone accounts, among the range of resources available to them from spy stores and online that make it easy for the suspicious to do surveillance.

Conversely, those who want to stray outside of marriages and committed relationships have more tools at their disposal than ever before. Pre-paid cell phones, instant messaging, biometric access to computers and secret e-mail accounts are just some of the ways affair partners can carry out their trysts.

“The internet is the cheater’s best friend,” said Ruth Houston, who runs the Web site InfidelityAdvice.com. “Think about what a person would’ve had to do 15, 20 years ago to have an affair. They’d have to physically go out there to find a partner. Now they can sit comfortably in the privacy of own home. The Internet has removed all risk. People who may have entertained the idea 20 years ago can actually dabble at it until they feel ‘it’s not for me.’”

She’s not talking chat rooms and e-mail, either. That’s so 15 years ago. Now, sites like AshleyMadison.com and AdultFriendFinder actually facilitate discreet encounters. The Ashley Madison Agency even has a gasp-inducing slogan on the “Attached” sign-up page: “When Monogamy Becomes Monotony.” Switch over to the Single sign-up and the motto changes to: “Because the Best Men & Women Are Already Taken.”

“There are certainly windows of infidelity opportunity because of technology,” said Branden Henline, Ph.D., director of marriage and therapy programs at Northcentral University in Arizona. “It’s more than just opportunity, frankly, it’s solicited. It’s the cachet of consumerism, as well as the social network process.”

MySpace, Facebook and other social networks, he said, are all fertile ground for temptation. Ex-girlfriends, boyfriends, what-ifs, could-have-been’s, loves-of-your-life: they’re all just a click away. It’s a slippery slope from an emotional affair to sexual encounters.

Escaping detection nowadays is as easy as buying a device like the bill-free Tracfone, or wiping histories and texts clean off computers and phones. The stealth involved in these relationships is sometimes worthy of “Alias,” in that double lives might not exist so handily were it not for the ways to communicate without ever touching.

To catch a cheat, follow your gut. More than likely, it’s telling you something is off. There are tons of tips on the signs of straying, but some are universal. Your honey starts to take extra care in his or her appearance — buying new clothes, working out, new haircut. They start meticulously deleting sent messages and keep their inbox pristine. Sex is either feast or famine or just plain different. Their cell phone never leaves their side. You get the idea and then it starts to gnaw at you.

“The interesting thing, if it’s going on, you’re not going to get any peace until you know, confirm or disprove what you suspect,” said the Queens, New York-based Houston, who 15 years ago discovered her then-husband was cheating on her with three women. She’s interviewed thousands of investigators, therapists, academics, victims and perpetrators since then and wrote a book, “Is He Cheating on You?”

Her compiled numbers (which she takes from therapists and investigators rather than academic studies) are grim: 80 percent of all committed relationships (cyber, same-sex, marriages, live-ins, etc.) have experienced infidelity. She thinks these numbers are at their highest ever and she says technology does foot the blame to a large degree.

She’s all about the proactive approach: Catch him or her before it gets too deep. But what if you’re not sure and want proof before confronting?

I asked Tony DeLorenzo, spokesman for All State Investigations, Inc. (94truth.com), what kinds of resources the pros have in tracking down these objects of illicit desire. DeLorenzo’s dad started the company 55 years ago and they now have offices not only in New Jersey, where they started, but also in Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Pennsylvania and New York. Infidelity is one lucrative business. Back in those olden days, private dicks used cameras with film and busted down doors to nab the guilty parties in flagrante delicto.

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