Life is good. So why can't you stop worrying?

The worst part about being a platinum member of the worry club is that, more often than not, when fretters bite their nails, they sometimes create bona fide things to worry about in the process. I've known women in new relationships that are going along happily, who have still felt compelled to constantly seek reassurance from their partner—"Just tell me you want to break up with me now instead of torturing me!" The result? They drive said partner away, resulting in the feared outcome.

"No matter how many times the person answers yes to the question 'Do you love me?' it doesn't do any good. A worrier thinks, Is he only saying that to make me feel better? Or, What if he changes his mind tomorrow?" Leahy explains. "They're so intolerant of uncertainty that they'd rather be sure that something isn't going to work than endure not knowing what is going to happen."

Low self-esteem can also perpetuate the worry cycle, according to Alexander Rich, Ph.D., a consultant at the Department of Mental Health Law and Policy at the University of South Florida in Tampa. "Rather than attribute their successes to their lovableness, competence or skills, worriers may say, 'Well, I was lucky that time.' Or 'It's only because I worked 10 times harder than anyone else.' That kind of thinking leaves you feeling inadequate, whatever you accomplish."

Other chronic fretters get anxious for the opposite reason: They assume they have more influence over events than they do. "They believe everything is up to them," Leahy says. If they are throwing a party and notice a guest looking unhappy, they might decide that their fête is a flop, when the reason for the guest's gloom is that she had a fight with her husband beforehand. "If you always think, What did I do wrong? you're probably giving yourself too much credit," Leahy adds.

Avoiding emotion
So what's behind this unnecessary stressing? Surprisingly, though excessive worry is assumed to be the product of an overly emotional way of thinking, research suggests that worrying may be a way for the overwrought brain to decrease emotions. Some experts say that worriers try to strategize and anticipate—cognitive activities that occur in a different brain region from where emotions are processed. Lots of activity in the thinking region may make experiencing feelings—sadness, joy, anything but angst—nearly impossible.

In a study at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore, researchers used magnetic resonance imaging scans to examine brain blood-flow patterns in people with generalized anxiety disorder—crippling, exaggerated worry that can interfere with a person's ability to function. The scientists showed people phrases designed to trigger their specific worries ("I don't have money for rent") and neutral ones ("It's a nice day"). The worriers fretted when they heard either type.

"We believe this means that anxious people worry indiscriminately; they don't differentiate between things they should and shouldn't worry about," says Rudolf Hoehn-Saric, M.D., author of the MRI study. "If your brain says that everything is dangerous, you can't accurately weigh what truly is and isn't threatening." And, as Borkovec points out: "This kind of overthinking can be a way to avoid accessing your true emotions."

The problem with this pattern is that "big worriers don't get to learn from experiencing fear, joy or whatever emotion they're subconsciously trying to avoid," Borkovec continues. I believe this. When I'm worrying—say, about gaining back 5 pounds I've lost—it feels as if I'm doing something to keep the weight off. But I'm not, especially if I ease my anxiety with bags of M&M's. In fact, lately I've been too busy worrying to get to the gym and exercise, let alone learn anything. Borkovec says that if I'd let myself feel my emotions instead of worrying them away, I could teach myself to distinguish between what's harmful and what is safe and perhaps discover that I can cope with the dangers I fear (e.g., weight gain), should they come to pass.

"Any big emotion—even a positive one—can trigger worry in otherwise rational thinkers," Borkovec says. "It's as if all emotions become red flags." I have a friend who referred to her newborn as "the zygote" because she couldn't bear to emotionally invest in her as a person. "I didn't buy anything for her until she was, like, 2," she laughs. "It's irrational, but karmically, if you get happy too soon, the gods will smite you."

The fear of jinxing things if you allow yourself joy is part of the very human desire to believe that we are in control of events. "People have a mistaken belief in a just world, which means that if you've had success, you're due for bad times," Rich says. "But bad times are not caused by success."

Breaking the perpetual worry cycle takes separating unproductive fretting from the kind of problem solving that helps everyday life run more smoothly. In my experience, it also takes noticing when my knee-jerk angst has a tendency to bubble up and seeing it as a sign that an emotion or two may be trying to break free. I've lived long enough by now to see that most of my worries have never come to pass. Clearly, life's ratio of anxiety to joy is tipped in my favor. For now, I'm doing my best not to worry about that.

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