How well do we really know movie princes?

We’re in an era of fractured fairy tales, and Disney’s “Enchanted,” slated for a Nov. 21 release, bypasses the coyness and dumps a fairy-tale maiden (Amy Adams) into modern-day Manhattan. Her prince (James Marden) and evil stepmother (played by Susan Sarandon), with only slight makeup, follow her there.

Most movie princes function in our fairy tales as supporting characters, the quarterback-handsome dude with the nice crib, someone for the main female character to fall in love at. He’s the crystal carriage enabler rather than his own fully drawn character.

Quick, what do you think Prince Charming’s thoughts on endangered species protection are? That is correct: We have absolutely no idea. They are ciphers in epaulets, completely overshawdowed by the billowing gowns and puffy sleeves of their leading ladies.

Gentlemen! You are more than mere gatherers of glass slippers! As Disney tweaks its own brand, let us delve further into these attainable-only-by-magic royals. There’s got to be more to them than high cheekbones.

Prince Philip
Source: “Sleeping Beauty”
Who he is: Prince of somewhere French
Female competition: Briar Rose (Sleeping Beauty’s stripper name)
Strengths: Father has excellent liquor cabinet; ability to dance while suspended mid-air; miraculous kisser; literal dragon-slayer; does not mind heavy nappers
Weaknesses: Hair does not move

Prince Eric
Source: “The Little Mermaid”
Who he is: Prince of wherever he lives
Female competition: Ariel, Ursula the Sea Witch (when in 36-24-36 form)
Strengths: Unlike most princes, boasts a fleet of one big boat and one rowboat; excellent biceps; castle by the sea; does not mind lapses in conversation
Weaknesses: Kind of an idiot; needs a haircut

Prince Char
Source: “Ella Enchanted”
Who he is: Ruler of Lamia
Female competition:  Ella, every single person in his kingdom with estrogen
Strengths: Good social conscience; is three-dimensional as opposed to inked
Weaknesses: Easily manipulated by transparently evil people; will likely have groupie issues for the duration of his hotness

Moses
Source: “The Ten Commandments”
Female competition: Sephora and her sisters, Princess Nefertiri
Who he is: Prince of Egypt, leader of slaves out of Egypt
Strengths: Speaks directly to God; can command dinner out of nowhere; and, while the Bible tells us he stammered, when on camera sounded an awful lot like Charlton Heston 
Weaknesses: Refuses to ask for directions; will stir up huge amounts of frogs and lice if angered

Ramses
Source: “The Ten Commandments”
Female competition: No one really, but he sure does love himself
Who he is: Prince of Egypt, later Pharaoh
Strengths: Outstanding abs; expert cape twirler; can pull off ensembles featuring enormous bird necklaces
Weaknesses: Owned by Moses; tends to drown horses; kind of a jerk

Prince Charming
Source: “Cinderella”
Female competition: Cinderella
Who he is: Prince of somewhere French
Strengths: Has wicked sweet castle; total romantic
Weaknesses: Tends to overdelegate to servants; will probably age to be really short and really bald

The artist currently known as Prince
Source: Open to debate
Female competition: Everyone he romances in “P Control”
Who he is: Singer/songwriter/performer, star of “Purple Rain”
Strengths: Excellent guitar solos
Weaknesses: Enjoys wearing crushed velvet entirely too much

Prince Charles 
Source: Great Britain, “The Queen”
Female competition: Camilla Parker-Bowles
Who he is: Prince of Wales, heir to the throne of England
Strengths: Actually and currently exists; owns huge tracts of land; low standards of attractiveness; may act as a gateway prince to his sons, Prince William and Prince Harry
Weaknesses:  Most likely over the whole marriage thing

That one prince from “Snow White”
Source: “Snow White”
Female competition: Snow White
Who he is: Prince of dwarf-containing lands
Strengths: Awesome pipes; also, wherever here’s prince of, it’s got diamond mines, so dude’s got bank
Weaknesses: Too much rouge

Prince Humperdink
Source: “The Princess Bride”
Female competition: Princess Buttercup
Who he is: Ruler of Florin
Strengths: Owns a pony
Weaknesses: Enjoys killing people; great big liar; enormous wimp

Hamlet
Source: “Hamlet”
Female competition: Ophelia; Gertrude, his mother
Who he is: Prince of Denmark
Strengths: Deep thinker, not afraid to mock subpar drama
Weaknesses: Kinda wishy-washy; female competition is his mother

Prince John
Source: “Robin Hood”
Female competition: None, perhaps because the women in his kingdom have two brain cells to rub together
Who he is: A prince in England
Strengths: Just waiting for the right woman to turn him around
Weaknesses: Into heavy taxes; serious little-brother inferiority complex

Prince Akeem
Source: “Coming to America”
Female competition: Lisa; women willing to hop up and down while barking
Who he is: Prince of Zumunda
Strengths: Has James Earl Jones for a father
Weaknesses: When schlepping for a minimum-wage job, does not have the wherewithal to work at an actual McDonald’s

So clearly, there are so much more to these princes than merely the ability to lift various women out of poverty, dwarf-enforced labor or a really monster nap. They rode horses. They had feelings. They… made out with their mothers.

Perhaps we were better off not knowing them so well.

Mary Beth Ellis, author of “Drink to the Lasses” is a freelance writer in the Washington, D.C. area, from whence she runs BlondeChampagne.com. Her prince is an air traffic controller who drives a Ford Focus, and that is OK with her.

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