Honey, I was just looking! In defense of ogling

‘To-do lists’
This new sharing-is-caring approach may explain why so many couples are compiling “to-do lists”: short lists of people (usually celebrities) that a partner is allowed to fantasize about. Barash says these lists can be a fun and healthy way to broach the attraction issue and may even help stimulate a couple’s sex life. What’s more, they’re a relatively painless way for people to negotiate who is and isn’t off-limits (Scarlett Johansson is OK to ogle, my sister not so much).

“When my husband and I first got together, we each came up with a ‘five freebie list’ like they did on ‘Friends,’” says Nicole Bobbitt, a 31-year-old communications manager from Portland, Ore. “At first, I could only think of four celebrities for my list, then I heard that Chris Walla from Death Cab for Cutie lives in Portland and told my husband I’d found my fifth. And he was like ‘the people on your list cannot live in the same city as you!’ So I asked if it would be OK if I put his hot friend from college on it and he was like ‘That is not OK!’”

You wanna do who?
Of course, just because it’s your fantasy list doesn’t mean your choices won’t be subject to criticism.

“My husband and I each have Top 10 celebrity lists that change on a yearly basis,” says Kelly Coller, a 36-year-old marketing director, also from Portland. “And I’ve totally debated with him as to why Sophia Loren in her heyday was not on his list and why Gwen Stefani did not have higher positioning. As a result, I put them on my list.”

While the Florida State University attraction study focused solely on heterosexual men and women, Brian Rzepczynski, a psychotherapist and gay love coach from Chicago, says he thinks ogling is more of a deal breaker for straights than for gays.

“Appearance is really important in the gay community,” he says. “And this could be generalizing but I don’t think ogling is as much an issue for gays as it is with heterosexuals. Of course, if you’re sitting in a coffee shop and your partner is scoping out the whole room, that’s tacky. In all relationships, you have to set clear boundaries from the offset. If your partner does something that you don’t like, that’s the best time to talk about it, responsibly and maturely.”

And while 50 years ago, that discussion might involve hitting your husband in the head with your purse, today things are a bit more evolved.

“My wife is a mature person and she’s got a pretty well-developed sense of herself,” says Rob Salkowitz, a 40-year-old writer and consultant from Seattle. “And neither of us really comments on the attractiveness of other people unless it’s within the bounds of good taste. Of course, if we were ever to go on a double date with Johnny Depp and Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef we might be in some dangerous territory, but what are the odds of that?”

Diane Mapes is a Seattle freelance writer and author of "How to Date in a Post-Dating World."

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