No ovation for ‘Dancing with the Stars’ game

Kristin Kalning Games editor • E-mail

I’m awesome at the hand jive.

In fact, I’m pretty darned good at a lot of the so-called “special” moves in the “Dancing with the Stars” game for the Wii. I can Locomotion, I can Mashed Potato, and yes, I can do the Twist. I’m hitting the basic steps most of the time, and nailing the little “flair” steps that make the crowd go wild.

So, even though I have nearly zero ballroom-dancing experience — except a much-rehearsed fox-trot at my wedding — I’m cruising through as an amateur in the “Dancing with the Stars” game. OK, I had to dance the waltz a few times before I got my requisite 20 points from the three-judge panel. But I’ve unlocked several “celebrity” couples (more on that in a minute) and earned a couple of trophies.

Here’s the thing, though: “Dancing with the Stars” isn’t measuring my dancing ability. This is a rhythm game that owes more to “Guitar Hero” than “Dance Dance Revolution.” To play, you flick your Wii remote and Nunchuk in the directions indicated by the icons that scroll across the bottom of the screen. There is a PlayStation 2 version that comes with a dance pad, a la “Dance Dance Revolution,” but with the Wii version, “Dancing with the Stars” is more about quick reflexes than dancing chops.

As such, you can theoretically “dance” from your sofa. I’ve decided to go legit, and play standing up. I think it helps to put a little hip into my Wii gestures and do the “Stir it Up” like my life depended on it. My scores are routinely better than my husband’s, who patently refuses to sway in time to the music. I’m owning him on this game.

I do notice, though, that even if I walk away from the game while it’s in progress, as I did once, my on-screen likeness just keeps on waltzing like I was hitting all my cues perfectly. That’s pretty sloppy game-making, in my opinion. One of the things I like about other rhythm games like “Guitar Hero” and “Elite Beat Agents” is that if I stumble, so too does my avatar onscreen.

Full disclosure: I’ve never seen the hit ABC show. So maybe the crowd does cheer you even when you miss 13 tango steps in a row. Maybe the judges, Carrie Ann Inabe, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli, really are as forgiving in real life as they are in the game.

To find out, I looped in Ree Hines, our “Dancing with the Stars” expert, to get the low-down on how the game stacks up against the hugely popular TV show.

Me:  So, I’m totally doing awesome on this game. I’ve got it set to amateur, and I’m playing as Cheryl Burke and dancing with Emmitt Smith, and we’re just blowing past the judges.

Ree:  Oh, I so want to be a virtual size-two, hip swinging Cheryl Burke. How do they look? Is pixilated Cheryl still the hottie fans love? Does Emmitt look like a big ol’ tower of brawn?

Me: The Emmitt in the game doesn’t look much like the real-life Emmitt. He's kind of skinny.

Ree: Hmm. How about the others? Are they at least cartoon-cute?

Me: Well…Joey Lawrence was vacant-eyed and scary and was wearing a split-to-navel shirt.

Ree: Ack! I’ll try not to picture that. So how challenging is it so far? If you’re at the amateur setting, I’d guess you’re starting out on par with the celeb soft-shoe newbies.

Me: Yeah! I’m having a pretty easy time of it.

Ree: That doesn’t sound right. Unless you were born to ballroom, this should kick your backside a bit. On the show the stars dedicate a lot of time to moaning about their sore bodies and how much weight they’ve lost.

Me: There is a professional setting…

Ree: Well, then to crank it up to pro and feel the ballroom-burn!

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