Bedroom lies: Why you should come clean

Dr. Laura Berman

Most of us would never dream of lying or omitting the truth in our day-to-day lives, yet the majority of us do not extend this honesty policy to the bedroom. Indeed, sex seems to be the one area of people’s lives in which they feel comfortable lying.

What are some of the most common things people lie about in the sack? Here are the results of TODAY's unscientific survey:

• Faking it: 53% admit they fake it — from  once in a while to all the time!
  
  
• Fudging numbers: 44% have fibbed about number of sexual partners.
  
  
• Keeping mum: 70% hide sexual fantasies they secretly want fulfilled.
  
  
• Playing nice: 43% lie to their partner about his/her bedroom skills.

While most common bedroom lies (faking orgasm, pretending to like a partner’s sexual skills, etc.) are intended to make your partner feel loved and appreciated, they can actually have the opposite effect. You can only lie about your sexual happiness for so long — over time, you will begin losing your sexual interest in your partner and the intimacy in your relationship will fade. If you want to have a satisfying and happy relationship, a satisfying and happy sex life is a key part of the foundation.

Luckily, telling your partner the truth about your sexual needs isn’t as scary as it might sound. Here are some tips:

• Take control. Unfortunately, when people feel as though their partners are disinterested or disengaged from sex, they too will begin to lose interest. However, once this occurs, the sex life is doomed to failure! If your sex life isn’t all that you want it to be, consider what you are doing to contribute to the boredom in the bedroom. When was the last time you initiated a new position? Have you tried to excite your partner in new and different ways? If not, take the reins. Your partner will be only too happy to repay the favor.
    
  
• Speak up. What fantasies have you been hiding from your partner? It is time to bring those sex fantasies out of the closet! Keep a box in your bedroom where you and your partner can store your written-out fantasies. Maybe you want to be intimate in the shower, maybe you fantasize about being submissive, etc. As long as your fantasy isn’t potentially offensive or harmful to your partner, feel free to write it down and keep it in your fantasy box. Whenever your sex life becomes a little humdrum or routine, just fish a fantasy out of the box and act it out.
  
  
• Set realistic goals. Most of us have received our sexual expectations from the media. Whether it is “Cosmopolitan” magazine, romantic comedies or adult flicks, we all have certain expectations about what “should” happen in the bedroom. Unfortunately, the media is rarely realistic when it comes to sex. Sex can’t always involve hours of foreplay, champagne and silk sheets. Sometimes it has to happen first thing in the morning while the kids are still in bed, or when the house is messy and your legs aren’t shaved. Whatever the case, it is time to ditch the perfect image of what we believe sex “should” be. Once you lose the shackles of expectations, you can begin creating your own version of your perfect sex life!

Remember, honesty is always the best policy … especially in the bedroom!

Laura Berman, LCSW, Ph.D., is the director of the Berman Center, a specialized health care facility in Chicago that's dedicated to helping women repair their sex lives and find relief from menopausal symptoms. Dr. Berman is also an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and obstetrics/gynecology at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University.

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