Bzzzzz! Movie bugs with just the right sting

“Empire of The Ants” (1977)
Joan Collins is in it. Joan Collins and big ants. I don’t know why I should have to tell you anything more than that, really. If you’re not into it then you can just go watch “Stepmom” or something. I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

“Cremaster 2” (1999)
Unless you’re at a museum where it’s showing or can find a bootleg of this thoroughly freaked-out Matthew Barney art film, you probably won’t get a chance to watch it anytime soon. But should you ever cross its path, know that it’s amazing and it stars Norman Mailer as Harry Houdini and is about — I think — the idea that murderer Gary Gilmore was thought to be descended from Houdini. Then there’s a bit about Johnny Cash and some bees. Johnny Cash isn’t in the movie, though. “Cremaster 2” was made at around the same time as the indie drama “Ulee’s Gold” came out, the one with Peter Fonda as a beekeeper with family troubles and you’re supposed to boo-hoo over it all. Thoroughly unmemorable bees in that one. Barney’s bees get into way more A-listy art-world parties than those sad, little honey-making stiffs.

“Invasion of the Bee Girls” (1973)
They just don’t make this kind soft-core sex/horror movie anymore. And feminism’s not to blame for that because Hollywood adapts, much like the Mira Sorvino-created-mantis-monster in “Mimic,” and simply finds new ways to be insulting to women. So that’s not it. Maybe we’ve all just grown more ashamed of our embarrassingly tacky sexual selves and movies like this just laid it out on the line too much. But that’s a conversation for another time, because in this movie the very urgent problem of a bunch of men dropping dead after sex is happening and it’s all the ladies’ fault. The women are being transformed into queen bees that see things in multiple-lens insectovision and have to kill because it’s what queen bees do. So they love those guys to death. This, of course, can’t go on or the men won’t rule the world like they’re supposed to, but while it’s happening it’s pretty groovy.

“Mothra” (1961)
Why Mothra is better than all of the rest:

1. Is the biggest.
2. Knows Godzilla personally and has held her own in multiple battles.
3. Has starred in more movies than all other bugs — 14 to date — including “Destroy All Monsters,” the greatest giant monster film of all time.
4. Has had several songs written about her.
5. Is the only giant insect to have personal assistants in her entourage: tiny twin heralds she uses as messengers when she’s too busy to go announce her impending arrival herself.
6. Never dies, destroys stuff like crazy and just generally gets the job done. If Oprah and Madonna were giant bugs, they’d be her.

Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and the author of “Exile In Guyville.” Find him at www.imdavewhite.com

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