Divorce doesn't have to destroy the kids

If handled properly, say Ahrons and Strachen, separation and divorce do not have to be devastating for children. Children can thrive even if parents are no longer together.

Professionals note, too, that while Britney and Kevin have not been shining examples of a healthy split, plenty of other celebs have been. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, and the reigning queen and king of good divorces Demi Moore and Bruce Willis don’t grab headlines for their fights or family court dates.

Divorced, but still parents
“When I started in the late 1970s it was inconceivable that former spouses could get along,” says Ahrons. “But now people are understanding that for their children’s health they have to find a way to work together. They don’t have to be friends necessarily but they do have to be co-parents.”

Perhaps learning how to kindly part ways may even be contributing to another trend. The divorce rate has been falling continuously over the past quarter-century and is now at its lowest level since 1970. Calculating divorce rates is tricky and researchers argue that the data can be misleading (for example, marriage rates are also falling). But, says Rutter of CCF, it is conceivable that in the near future the commonly held belief that half of marriages end in divorce rather than death will be revised in favor of marriage.

The Gabriels are one couple that didn’t end up contributing to the divorce statistic. They handled their six-month separation so, well, lovingly, he says, that they decided to give the marriage another chance.

“It was a negative time but at the same time we handled it in a positive way and it made us stronger,” says Gabriel. “By separating and being co-parents we learned to appreciate and respect one another better.” Through it all, he says, the kids have continued to do well. “I’m still amazed at my kids. They’re excelling and they sort of took the whole thing in stride.”

According to psychologist P. Leslie Herold, president of Solutions for Families, a company that provides workshops for divorcing parents, this isn’t entirely uncommon. “What we’re teaching is basically how to communicate. We’ve had many people tell us that if they’d  used these skills or gone to this class very early on they wouldn’t be divorced.”

However, Herold concedes he doesn’t aim to eradicate divorce. “My hope is that someday people just see divorce as one of life’s possible transitions. We all go through transitions and we can learn how to handle them so they don’t impact our parenting.”

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of "Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom," published by Fair Winds Press.

MORE FROM KIDS AND PARENTING

Kids and parenting Section Front

Docs double kids' vitamin D recommendations   11 baby product companies asked to avoid BPA Limit on cold remedies for kids was FDA's idea 1 in 4 U.S. girls received HPV vaccine 'Pregnancy pact' school to allow contraceptives Internet videos show kids how to get high Scientists go online to discuss drugs with kids Drug companies: No cold meds for kids under 4 Turning on a fan may help prevent SIDS Parents' financial stress trickles down to kids Kids and parenting Section Front   Add Kids and parenting headlines to your news reader: