‘Meet the Press’ transcript for Oct. 21, 2007

MR. COLBERT:  Because I believe that it’s the greatest state of the union, I believe there are things that—I believe I can make a difference there.  I think it is time to focus on South Carolina.  Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats.  I want to put the focus back on South Carolina.  I want it to be a permanent thing.  I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States who get to control who is a bellwether state.  And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that, they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dixville Notch.

MR. RUSSERT:  You—yet another attempt at humor, Mr. Colbert.  You say...

MR. COLBERT:  Oh, I’m serious.

MR. RUSSERT:  Are you...

MR. COLBERT:  I’m serious.

MR. RUSSERT:  Are you, are you a son of South Carolina?

MR. COLBERT:  I am.

MR. RUSSERT:  You know a lot about the state?

MR. COLBERT:  I do.

MR. RUSSERT:  What’s the state amphibian?

MR. COLBERT:  The state amphibian?

MR. RUSSERT:  Yeah.

MR. COLBERT:  It’s my dog Cookie.

MR. RUSSERT:  No, no, it’s not.

MR. COLBERT:  She swims, and she goes on land.

MR. RUSSERT:  It’s the spotted salamander.

MR. COLBERT:  That’s the easiest—what’s the state flower, sir?  What’s the state...

MR. RUSSERT:  Go ahead.  Go ahead.

MR. COLBERT:  The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.

MR. RUSSERT:  Well done.

MR. COLBERT:  Mm-hmm.

MR. RUSSERT:  What’s the state motto?

MR. COLBERT:  Dum spiro spero.

MR. RUSSERT:  Which means?

MR. COLBERT:  While I breathe, I hope.  Come on!  I thought you had better researchers!  You can’t nail me with harder things than this?

MR. RUSSERT:  The mandatory presidential campaign book.  All the candidates who have them.  Yours is out, “I Am America (And So Can You!)” On Iraq, this is what you say.  “Once again, God won the war.  He just doesn’t occupy very well.”

MR. COLBERT:  Yeah.

MR. RUSSERT:  God’s on our side in Iraq?

MR. COLBERT:  I, I would say he’s not on their side.  Do you, do you think he’s on our enemy’s—do you think he’s on our enemy’s side?

MR. RUSSERT:  I’m only asking—I’m asking the questions.

MR. COLBERT:  Because you’re implying—these are your words.  Not mine.

MR. RUSSERT:  These are your words from your book.

MR. COLBERT:  But your words are certainly in your question.  You’ll have to grant me that.

MR. RUSSERT:  So God’s not an occupier?

MR. COLBERT:  He just didn’t occupy very well in Iraq.

MR. RUSSERT:  You know, if you look at the voting blocks that exist in South Carolina and around the country...

MR. COLBERT:  Mm-hmm.

MR. RUSSERT:  ...I’m quite surprised the way you treat them in this book.

MR. COLBERT:  What do you mean?

MR. RUSSERT:  Senior citizens?  This is what you call them, old people.

“Sorry, but retirement offends me.  You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt.  So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts?”

MR. COLBERT:  Well, Tim, I, I just don’t understand pensions or Social Security.  Why do you get paid after you stop working?  That doesn’t make any sense to me.

MR. RUSSERT:  Abolish Social Security?

MR. COLBERT:  Yes.

MR. RUSSERT:  Abolish Medicare?

MR. COLBERT:  Yes.

MR. RUSSERT:  Abolish all pensions?

MR. COLBERT:  Abolish tipping waiters and waitresses because I’ve gotten my food.  They get paid by the hour.  Why am I giving them extra money?  That’s all pensions and Social Security are.  It’s a tip at the end of your life.

MR. RUSSERT:  Senior voters gone.  Now fathers.  Again, your words, your book.  “The father.”

MR. COLBERT:  Mm.

MR. RUSSERT:  “America used to live by the motto ‘Father knows best.’ Now we’re lucky if ‘Father Knows He Has Children.’ There’s more to being a father than taking kids to Chuck E.  Cheese and supplying the occasional Y-chromosome.  A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased”?

MR. COLBERT:  Mm-hmm.

MR. RUSSERT:  Are you a presidential candidate who speaks to your children?

MR. COLBERT:  Oh, absolutely.

MR. RUSSERT:  Do you think candidates should speak to their children?

MR. COLBERT:  If they have them.  I don’t think that you have to have children to be a presidential candidate.  It might actually help to, you know, move in a quickened light.

MR. RUSSERT:  The mother, another source of...

MR. COLBERT:  Yeah.  I love my mother.  You’re not going to, you’re not going to attack me for loving my mother, are you?

MR. RUSSERT:  You attack all mothers in your book.  Again, your words, Mr. Colbert.  And here they are.

“Scientists have proven, one assumes, that every flaw in a child can be traced back to a mistake made by the mother.  As adults we’re all imperfect, so that means all mothers are incompetent.  But some mothers are worse than others. Take women who work.  If you work outside the home, you might as well bring coconut arsenic squares to the school bake sale.”

MR. COLBERT:  Mm-hmm.

MR. RUSSERT:  Doesn’t Hillary Clinton work outside the home?

MR. COLBERT:  I believe she does, yeah.

MR. RUSSERT:  Are you talking about her?

MR. COLBERT:  I’m talking about all mothers who don’t spend all their time thinking about their children and nothing else.

MR. RUSSERT:  Women should be out of the work force?

MR. COLBERT:  No, they can be in the work force as long as they bring their children with them.  That’s, that’s all I mean to imply.

MR. RUSSERT:  Gay marriage.

MR. COLBERT:  Yeah.

MR. RUSSERT:  This is, again, from the Colbert Bible.

MR. COLBERT:  Yeah.

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