When shopping and spending go too far

Olivia Mellan, a money coach and psychotherapist based in Washington, D.C., describes herself as a “recovering over-spender.”

“The urge to shop used to take me over like a tidal wave,” recalled Mellan, author of the books “Overcoming Overspending” and “Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships.”

“I didn’t have the wherewithal to say, ‘You really don’t need that,’ or, ‘Maybe you can’t afford it this week.’ ”

Mellan said she was deeply affected by the example of her mother, who used to buy clothes for her as a way to express love for her.

“So when I was grown up and I felt lonely or depressed, I’d buy clothes too,” Mellan said.

In the early and mid-1980s, Mellan’s therapy work began to focus on finding ways to help people with their money problems. Right around then she began to realize that she needed to help herself as well. Another catalyst: Her husband came to serve as a supportive money mentor for her.

“I got an 800 in my college boards in math. I’m not stupid,” she said. “So why did I need my husband to tell me to pay off my credit cards in full every month? I don’t know why, but that’s what I needed.”

Mellan was able to get the help she needed through the support of her spouse and through her own in-depth analysis of behavioral patterns around money. Others suffering with ongoing money woes end up needing more objective help from the outside.

That outside help can come in the form of specialized therapy, in-patient treatment or co-dependency programs. It also can come through Debtors Anonymous, a 12-step program that provides support and guidance in a manner similar to groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous.

Debtors Anonymous turned out to be a godsend for Willie, a former chronic under-earner and debtor who lives in the Pacific Northwest and asked for his last name not to appear in this story. For years, his erratic earning patterns, high levels of credit-card debt and recurring habit of bouncing checks wreaked havoc in his personal life. In 1989, it culminated in the loss of his marriage and his home — not to mention his self-respect when he filed for bankruptcy.

“My wife was a very good woman who just got tired of it,” Willie said. “That was one of the many, many … losses I experienced because of my issues with money.”

Willie said he grew up in poverty and, as an adult, living in a constant state of crisis around money just felt normal. He now realizes that the negative feelings he harbored toward himself were anything but normal, though.

“I used to say, ‘I’m such a loser. I’m such a loser.’ It was like my mantra,” he said. “I had so much shame in my life.”

He first discovered Debtors Anonymous in 1994, and he remained associated with the group for years. But it wasn’t until three years ago — when he ran into yet another serious money crisis — that he took his involvement with the group seriously and began doing absolutely everything his fellow members encouraged him to do, including working closely with a sponsor and living by a detailed spending plan.

Today, Willie is happily remarried and earning a solid, steady income. He always has an emergency fund set aside so he doesn’t have to return to that chaotic state of crisis again.

“Last year, I had a bridge put in and a crown, and even though I had really good dental coverage, it still cost me $5,000. I was able to pay for it,” Willie said. “Before, I would have been really stressed out and would have felt a lot of fear. But this time it didn’t affect my spending plan, and I didn’t have to give up my vacation or anything like that. I was prepared for it.”

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