They’ve already told you about the biggest sex mistakes men and women make; now, iVillage sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox and sex therapist Ian Kerner are revealing the biggest mistakes both sexes make in the bedroom, plus answering questions from TODAY viewers:

Mistakes both men and women make

1. Both sexes fall into routine, and let sex become just physical.
Ian:There are two types of sexual arousal — mental and physical. In the beginning of a relationship, we have no shortage of sexy thoughts and feelings that turn us on and create a sense of sexual anticipation, but after a while the mental component can easily fade and we rely on physical stimulation. We know each other’s bodies and we know how to get where we’re going, but we don’t know how to appreciate the journey anymore. That’s when it becomes time to introduce some new routes and paths to pleasure.

Tracey: How about this for frightening — most couples have sex at 10.36 p.m. on a Saturday night, in bed, for around 4-7 minutes. And they do exactly the same thing almost every single time, in exactly the same order. How exciting is that 10 years on? The trick to good long-term sex is to stop focusing on your bits and start thinking about your brain — that’s the biggest erogenous zone. Stimulate your brain by doing new and interesting things — that does mean role play and talking about fantasies and stuff like that — and your sex life will instantly be better.

2. Both sexes miss the point that your sex life is a function of your overall relationship.  It takes a great relationship to have a great sex life.
Ian: Diet, stress, nutrition, exercise and medication all play a big role in sexual desire. If you or your partner aren’t taking care of your health together, your sex life could quickly go in the dumps. Eat for your heart and you’re eating for your libido. Don’t just eat to live, eat for love. It also exercise increases metabolism, blood flow and endorphins — all of nature’s natural aphrodisiacs.

Tracey: You can’t separate your sex life from your relationship. The two affect each other. If you don’t particularly like your partner out of bed or are angry with them, you’re not exactly going to jump enthusiastically between the sheets come bedtime, saying “Give it to me, big boy!” And if your sex life is bad, you’re not going to be happy OUT of bed. When sex is good, it usually accounts for about one quarter of the total enjoyment of the relationship. But when sex is bad — or not happening at all — it tends to poison everything else. If you’re not having good sex, you’re not feeling attractive or physically connected to your partner, but you are feeling frustrated and resentful. Both sex and love are equally important.

3. Both sexes assume that a good sex life is measured based on quantity rather than quality.
Ian: I can’t tell you how many times someone has come to me and said “My sex life is in trouble — we used to have sex five times a day, now we only have it twice a day.” People change, relationships change. Why should sex stay the same? What’s right for one couple in terms of a number is wrong for others. Averages are at about twice a week, but a little good sex goes a lot farther than a lot of bad sex. Don’t base your sex life on a number or on a past standard. Stay connected and sexual in the present.

Tracey: We need to move away from that ridiculous statistic that says the average couple has sex 2.2 times per week. It’s an average — that means they took the sex life of two 19-year-olds, who’ve just discovered sex and think it’s the best invention since the iPod, and combined it with Aunt Bertha, who’s 90 and hasn’t had sex for 30 years. It’s an average, not the mean. The amount of sex a couple has is much more dependent on what stage of the relationship they’re in. At the beginning, you can’t stop doing it; after 10 years, it’s less frequent.  Stop focusing on the number of times you’re having sex and instead look at how good the sex you both have is when you do have it. I strongly believe you should aim to connect sexually a couple of times a week, but that doesn’t mean a marathon session. A good long, sexy kiss and a bit of fooling around counts as sex, too.

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