Fall movies enter the dread zone

It’s not that I mind the Chipmunks being updated all gangsta. Seriously, that doesn’t bother me. They’re cartoons, you know? And what animated character wouldn’t benefit from being re-imagined as the kids from Kris Kross? It’s just that I’ve seen the trailer where one of them accidentally ingests the other’s… how to put this… chipmunk “leavings.”  And so now I know what I have to look forward to from “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” due just in time for all your annual holiday animal-waste-devouring hopes and dreams.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, because right around the bend comes:

“Across The Universe” (Sept. 14)
Never mind that the only notable people ever to assume that the Beatles were telling them a literal story with their songs — If only someone would arrange them in the proper, puzzle-solving order! — were the Bee Gees and Charles Manson. Julie Taymor got the secret message, too. Now there’s a movie starring a character named “Jude” who paints pictures of apples. Well, Ms. Taymor’s got a legacy to live up to. Think back to “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” where a character was named “Strawberry Fields,” a robot bleeped out the song “She’s Leaving Home” and Carol Channing participated in an all-star disco cover version of the title number. How do you top that? With Bono? He’s no Carol Channing.

“Game Plan” (Sept. 14)
The Rock plays a pro football player who meets an adorable female child actor claiming to be his daughter (and you thought it was just NBA guys with kids scattered all over the country). Guess what he does then? That’s right, he starts behaving just like a 9-year-old girl. She, in turn (spoiler alert), begins downing human growth hormone, testosterone shots and steroid patches until it’s time for the wacky duo to undergo the final transformation, if you know what I mean.

“In The Valley of Elah” (Sept. 14)

Slide show Fall flicks to watch Cate Blanchett returns as Queen Elizabeth; Brad Pitt saddles up to play Jesse James. more photos

Oh good. Paul Haggis’s traveling “Crash”-themed circus is rolling through town again. What lessons will the Oscar-appointed silencer of all racism be teaching us this time? Hmm? That the war in Iraq hurts American soldiers and is bad? This is an excellent idea. The three percent of the country that still thinks we’re there for a real reason and that the returning veterans are being cared for properly need Hollywood to remind them of how wrong they were. The rest of you can watch the documentary “No End In Sight” and then make sure you’re registered to vote.

“House” (Oct. 10)
It’s about people trapped in a house with a psycho. Great! I’m there. As long as there’s a lot of sex and gore and point-of-impact murders and — oh, you say it’s based on a Christian horror novel? Like one where there’s a Christian message about sin and stuff? Wait, is this going to be like one of those Evangelical haunted houses where there are skits about getting abortions and going to raves and being gay and that’s supposed to be the horror part? May I please watch a sneak preview of “Alvin and The Chipmunks” instead?

“Martian Child” (Oct. 26)
Speaking of the horror of being gay, apparently the brain trust behind this film were sufficiently not into the fact that the real-life and really gay adoptive father of the kid who thinks he’s a Martian was, you know, that way (aka, author David Gerrold, who wrote the memoir “The Martian Child,” about his own experience with adopting an emotionally disturbed boy), because they changed John Cusack’s character to straight. Look, at no point should an audience be confused or exposed to things they aren’t ready for. I think we can all agree on that. What do you bet that the kid snaps out of his emotional troubles at the end, too?

“Saw IV” (Oct. 26)
The killer was killed at the kill-filled end of the killapalooza “Saw III,” which simply means he’ll be back as a phantom or something this time around. So it’s going to be like “Ghost Dad” but with more wacky murder contraptions. And less pudding.

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