Comic-Con 2007: So many geeks, so little time

6. Most old people are cooler and more interesting than you will probably ever be.
I went to the less-populated panels featuring long-forgotten comics artists for two reasons: to report on the least hyped of the weekend’s offerings — it’s not like “The Bourne Ultimatum” needed me to help it along anyway — and because I couldn’t get into the other super-popular panels anyway. My reward was learning about of the existence of two old-school comic artists, one still very much alive and one long since passed.

The resting-in-peace Fletcher Hanks was a mystery in life and death, spending a very short time in the 1930s creating excellently bizarre comics like “Stardust The Super Wizard,” about a blond crimebuster with an enormous body and very small peanut-shaped head who hoisted a lot of bad guys on their own petards. Hanks also created “Fantomah, Mystery Woman of the Jungle,” a blonde crimebuster in a loincloth who could fly, turn her head into an angry skull, and who battled giant spiders and super-gorillas. Hanks’s work (and sad alcoholic demise) is documented in the amazing new book “I Shall Destroy All the Civilized Planets!” by comics historian Paul Karasik. 

Even more fascinating was the life-in-her-own-words panel from Lily Renee Phillips, one of the lone pioneering female artists of the late 1940s/early 1950s. Vienna-born, Phillips escaped the Nazis on one of the kindertransports, lost her parents for two years, found them again, wound up in the United States, became a teen model for a while and had her likeness turned into mannequins for New York’s Peck & Peck department store. Then, at age 18, armed with a drawing of Tarzan as her resume, went to work for Fiction House comics where she was handed a title called “Werewolf Hunter” because none of the men there wanted to do it. Eventually, she would go on to create “Señorita Rio” about a Carmen Miranda-esque nightclub entertainer who was also a sexy spy and Nazi-hunter. And what have you done with your life?

7. Kristin Chenoweth loves Jesus but will also flash you her cleavage.
Full disclosure time. I went to the advance pilot episode screening of the new super-hyped ABC show “Pushing Daisies” because the creator, Bryan Fuller, is my friend and because he told me there’d be free pie given away. But I can say this with no other agenda in mind than to tell you about something awesome: this show is fantastic and if you don’t watch it when it airs this fall then you’re wasting an hour of your life each week on some lesser pursuit. The cast was there for the packed screening and were all very gracious when Broadway diva and Hollywood Christian anomaly costar Kristin Chenoweth got most of the crowd-love. In response, Chenoweth bared a PG-13 amount of flesh and giggled enthusiastically about how she makes out with her dog, adding, “…and we use tongue.” The pie was cherry. Also, it was delicious.

8. BET has a hot new emerging PR situation on its hands!
The flap over their recently-announced “Hot Ghetto Mess” might just be the tip of the iceberg. Black Entertainment Television hosted an animation panel where they showed their YouTube sensation “Read A Book.” A three-minute profanity-bleeped, mock-PSA, “Read A Book” parodies the Lil’ Jon/crunk/booty-babe rap video phenomenon by simultaneously celebrating and mercilessly attacking African-American stereotypes.

But when the thong-clad cartoon strippers shook their butts (emblazoned with “BO” and “OK” on each cheek) in the camera, that’s when the female audience members began to stand up and walk out. The rest of them departed when an animated 13 year-old pregnant girl hosted an Orlando Jones-created cartoon game show called “Who Need They A** Whooped?” But maybe they can win back that departing demo with the special “Hip Hop Vs. America” where it appears that they’ve scored an interview with a fairly cranky Oprah.

9. The equivalent of seeing giraffes in a zoo…
That would be the following favorite perennial personalities and moments: 

1. Kevin Smith hosting a hot-ticket panel where the big announcement turned out to be a re-release of his film “Chasing Amy” with a supplemental disc of extras;
2. Seeing “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening gamely talk to any fan who stopped him on the vendor floor while he shopped for comics;
3. Richard Hatch of the original 1970s version of “Battlestar Galactica” selling his autograph and doing a fairly brisk business;
4. Trekkies wandering around looking adrift;
5. Multiple Princess Leias, all filling out their Jedi Bikinis with varying degrees of success — the most popular one being the nearly nude woman who wantonly abandoned emulating the original costume, opting instead for two barely nipple-covering pasties, a front and back cloth panel and some string
6. Klingon street theater.

It’s good to have stuff you can always count on.

10. Robot Michael Jackson from “Moonwalker” vs. that dumb talking thing from “Short Circuit.”
If you’re ever at Comic-Con and you have the nerve for it, wander into the stone-coldest supergeek party they have running, the “Starship Smackdown,” where a collection of “spaceship-ologists” weigh the various merits of sci-fi and fantasy characters and how they would emerge victorious or defeated in an all-out battle for supremacy. In other words, “Who would win in a fight? Boba Fett or Dr. Who?”

This year they opened up the potential brawlers field to include robots, aliens and computers, meaning that the WOPR from “WarGames” could fight the Monolith from “2001” and possibly win. But not really, because that Monolith spent most of the event kicking the butt of every galactic comer. Next year I plan to go back and propose that John Travolta’s “word processor” from the 1985 aerobics movie “Perfect” throw down with Meg Ryan’s laptop from “You’ve Got Mail.” All of which means that I think 12 years with my partner has turned me into one of them.

Dave White is the author of “Exile in Guyville.” Find him at www.imdavewhite.com.

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