The Translator tells you what they’re REALLY saying in sports:

President George W. Bush, whose Justice Department is actively pursuing a perjury case against San Francisco Giants slugger, newly crowned Major League Baseball career home run king and suspected steroid user Barry Bonds, to Fox News after Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s career home run mark of 755 last week: "There is a lot of speculation about Barry Bonds, and my only advice for people is to just let history be the judge. Let's find out the facts, and then everybody's opinion — one way or the other — will be verified or not verified."

Translation: “Karl Rove’s quitting, Alberto Gonzales is toast, Hillary’s invading my dreams and even Cheney’s starting to scare me. Thank goodness there’s somebody else out there with a lower public approval rating, less trust amongst his high-profile colleagues, and a worse legacy in the tainted annals of American history than me.”

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier, who apologized to two recruits who signed to play for the Gamecocks last winter but were then rejected by the school for academics earlier this summer: "In my opinion, I still believe we made a mistake. ... Hopefully, I truly believe this is the last year this is going to happen, because I can't operate like that. I can't operate misleading young men."

Translation: “You think I built a reputation as a dominant coach by having players adhere to insignificant, way-over-the-top requirements like basic academic standards? Please! Big-time college football has a grand tradition of payola, ingeniously creative class curriculum and flat-out cheating. Let’s keep it that way!”

ESPN producer Neil Goldberg, responding to NASCAR star Tony Stewart’s recent comments that the “worldwide Leader” left him with a “dagger in the back” by criticizing him for cursing and saying he would drink a case of beer to celebrate a victory in Chicago in July: “I love Tony Stewart, and Tony Stewart has called out everybody in this room at one time or another. Tony is great for the sport. He’s a hard-nosed racer, he goes out there to do a job and he’s going to say what he’s going to say.”

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Translation: “I love Tony Stewart ... when he’s being a good boy and obeying the rules of his sport’s broadcasting partner. He’s great for the sport ... when our ratings are solid. He’s going to say what he’s going to say ... until we order NASCAR to tell him not to and they robotically cave in to our every whim. If not, we’ll just have him fined and then sic Jeremy Schaap on him. Or even worse: He’ll forever be ineligible for ‘Who’s Now?’”

Woody Austin, the 43-year-old PGA Tour player with three career wins — and no majors — to his credit, who lost the PGA Championship at Southern Hills to Tiger Woods by two strokes after claiming boldly that he “outplayed” Woods on Friday, even though Austin shot 70 that day and Woods shot a major-scoring-record-tying 63: “People always say, ‘Are you intimidated by him?’ What, are we going to get in a fight? I’m not intimidated by him. I’m intimidated by the fact that I have a chance to win a golf tournament. I’m not intimidated by any other person. I’m intimidated by the golf.”

Translation: “Hey, if you can’t beat the guy, you might as well talk serious Tiger trash while you’re playing the miracle tournament of your otherwise journeyman career and get even more headlines. It should set me up perfectly for a Metamucil sponsorship in the Champions Tour in seven years.”

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