Making a scene at the airport

By James Wysong

Travel columnist

updated 10:55 a.m. ET June 26, 2007

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You stand in long, slow-moving lines as your flight time approaches. The security agent decides to open your bag and display your personal items for everyone to see. Your flight is delayed and gets pushed back every 30 minutes. The moron sitting next to you is practically screaming into his cell phone. The gate agent smirks as she assigns you to the worst seat on the airplane. The flight attendant shrugs as you wedge yourself into a middle seat between two oversized Krispy Kreme models.

You're having a bad day at the airport, and your patience has all but disappeared. What you do next is crucial, for these days it is not only dangerous to make a scene, it can also land you in jail. Every one of us is capable of losing it at the airport, and I've seen the most unlikely individuals lose their cool and get hauled off by the authorities.

Using 10 real-life incidents as examples, let me suggest that you may be about to lose your cool if you feel like doing any of the following things:

1. Breaking the neck of a gate agent.

2. Yelling "Bomb!" at the top of your lungs just to get the security line moving faster.

3. Spreading your feces all over the walls in first class because you didn't get the upgrade you wanted.

4. Faking a heart attack to get someone at customer service to rebook your ticket.

5. Screaming "UUHHH!" in the ear of the pilot after a long flight exacerbated by his irritating announcements.

6. Breaking the teeth of the loud caller next to you, and then grabbing his cell phone and parking it up his tookus.

7. Singing loudly in the aisles about what a horrible airline you're on for the duration of the flight.

8. Hanging yourself in the lavatory.

9. Breaking the fingers of a ticket agent who, you've decided, is too absorbed with her keyboard.

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10. Urinating on the flight attendant when she yells at you about you being out of your seat while the seat-belt sign is on.

The problem is that flying can be an unsettling experience, even if you fly a lot. Besides all the industry annoyances — long lines, rude workers, confusing security and airport directives, delays, cancellations, bad attitudes, airline inefficiencies — you have all your own stuff to worry about: personal stress, claustrophobia, hunger, sleep deprivation, fear of flying, maybe an angry boss back at the office. It's a volatile mix, and the final straw can be the most trivial vexation — a kid crying, or a spilled Coke.

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