Third-party candidates take to the Web

Mark B. Graham (Independent)
"VOTE FOR MARK B GRAHAM FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 2008"
Age: 46
Star signs: Libra
Friend count: 232 (including Default Tom)
Comments: 64

Best comment: “Don't forget to join me this week... Make sure you check out my NEW PICS and SEXY OUTFIT on my webcam... its free so dont worry... (Just verify you age)” – Lily.

Interests: None listed.

Other social network memberships:
None

With its white background and default template, Mark B. Graham’s profile is as sparse as his photo – a long shot of the candidate sitting in at a kitchen table wearing tinted glasses and a very healthy moustache. There’s a spot for two videos, which don’t load, and all his comments are spam. On the plus side, Mark writes his own blog (though rarely updates it). The Kingston Trio’s version of “This Land is Your Land,” loads with the page.

Helen: Mark is one of several candidates who lists his occupation as “running for president.” Hmmm … I wonder how much that pays. Still, this guy seems earnest and genuine. In his “Who I’d like to meet” section, he writes: “I would like to meet every person that I can in the United States and talk to them.” I think that’s swell.

Ree: Yeah, he seems like a nice enough guy, but I find the cop shades and porn ‘stache disconcerting. Mark looks like the type to try to sell me something from the trunk of his car. And then maybe throw me in it. Not exactly a presidential vibe.

***

Steve Kissing (Independent)
"Put a Square in the Oval Office"
Age: 43
Star sign: Libra
Friend count: 1 (Default Tom will support you when no one else will!
Comments: 0
Best comment: N/A

Interests: blah blah blah

Other social network memberships:
None

If this Oliver Peebles-glasses-wearin’, David Sedaris-readin’- “Gray’s Anatomy”-watchin’, classic rock, folk and some country-listenin’ self-proclaimed “average joe” bothered to put as much ego into his MySpace profile as he did his Steve Kissing for President of the United States Web site, maybe we’d have something to talk about. Plus, his last login was April 25, 2007! Meanwhile, you can apply to be his running mate from his main sight, but you probably aren’t cool enough to vote for him.  

Helen: You’re in Cincinnati, Steve? Really? Shouldn’t you live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn? No wait, Philadelphia – that’s where all the cool kids are now! And what, no van dyke beard? Dang. Just lookin’ at this guy I can tell that he really wants to spill about that time he saw the Replacements. You know, before they sold out.

Ree: Steve’s the Midwest metrosexual you see on Nerve Personals and run away from. That’s self-satisfied grin he’s sporting on his campaign landing page says it all. But you know where he really lost me? In the “movies” section, he adds, “I don’t do sci-fi.” Well, Steve, sci-fi wouldn’t do you either.

***

Lanakila Washington (Humanist)
"Mr. Lanakila Washington - 2008 Presidential Candidate"
Age: 45
Star sign: Gemini
Friend count: 47
Comments: 13

Best comments: “Sup Washington! Guess who got FOUR sag waivers?????? ME!, and they said it couldn't be done, yup! Now all I need is $1, 520 to join. That's going to be a lot of background jobs, lol.” -- Billy

Interests: Lots! Varied and interesting.

Other social network memberships:
None

Lanakila Washington went with the basic white template, but utilized several MySpace functions, including a video library, a pan-and-scan photo gallery, and a killer campaign theme, “President Washington” by Spoken Word House, that loads with the page. He also (correctly) included his “interests” in the proper fields, though his only blog entry features a campaign video. 

Helen: This profile does an excellent job of showcasing Lanakila’s love of community and respect for history, something the two-party flacks have yet to grasp. I also dig his emerald-cut glamour shot in his senior prom tux. And check out his photo gallery – even when those around him are in sports coats, Lanakila’s still rockin’ the tux!

Ree: If he didn’t already have me with that awesome song (and he totally did) then the inclusion of the women in family on his heroes list sealed the deal. What’s not to like here? I was going to go on that hot “Charm the Model” kid on his friend list, but when I went to Charm’s page, I noticed he’s only 17. Now I feel dirty. And old.

***

Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey (Vampires, Witches and Pagan Party)
"AS PRESIDENT, TERRORISTS AND CRIMINALS WILL FEAR ME! 'CAUSE I WILL IMPALE THEM!!!!! THE AMERICAN VAMPYRE FROM JERSEY, IS OUT FOR BLOOD! THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES!!!"
Age: 43
Star sign: Aries
Friend count: 48,090

Comments: 3,309 (BEWARE MORTALS: Don’t click on Jonathan’s comment section — no matter how tiny the bikini! Mostly spams and phishing scams!)

Best comment: “perhaps you are the best man for the job, however i would like to encourage all people to write in their own names” — KB

Interests: Apparently, he really enjoyed “Titanic.” He’s a complicated vampire.

Other social network memberships:
None

While red text boxes on a generic flag template mean MySpace minus points for most candidates, here it is forgiven. Dude’s a vampire! Red is pretty much obligatory. Check out his pics section for photos of Vald hanging with Jeb Bush and Miss American 2006. Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” loads with the page.

Helen: The Bon Jovi song selection tells voters that while this Prince of Darkness may be a vampire, satanist and hecate witch,” he is first and foremost a New Jersian! And frankly, I’m a little shocked that Jonathan lost his gubernatorial bid. Even a blood-sucking fiend is bound to be less corrupt then most New Jersey politicos.

Ree: Hmmm…43 seems pretty young for a vampire, let alone a president. Still, the people are behind him. Jonathan “has more friends than any of the MySpace profiles, even McCain! Could be the mad vampire hypnotic skills, an evil spell, or maybe we should just give him props for his “About me” plea: “AM ASKING FOR EVERYONE TO PLEASE FORGET ABOUT MY RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. YES I AM A SATANIC VAMPYRE, AND A HECATE WITCH....... THAT IS NOT WHAT I AM RUNNING ON.” Family values and blood of the innocent, that’s his platform.

MORE FROM NETIQUETTE

Netiquette Section Front

Do it! CriminalSearch your ex! Time for a YouTube intervention Dude doesn't want his life; why would you? AP takes on blogosphere — sort of Kids find paradise by the cell phone light? Even Tom Cruise can't escape the Internet Facebook at work? Readers respond Your boss declares martial law on Facebook Beware the viral movie campaign Your virginity for Net neutrality Netiquette Section Front   Add Netiquette headlines to your news reader: