Third-party candidates take to the Web

Helen A.S. Popkin

What Third Party candidates lack in funds, MySpace friends and a snow ball’s chance in Hades, they more than make up for in heart on their MySpace profiles. Well, not really.

You’re welcome to vote for a third party candidate, but as “Simpsons” space alien Kang quipped “Go ahead, throw your vote away!”

Ree

Still, from the Green Party and the Libertarians to the Vampires, Witches, and Pagan Party, outside candidates understand the importance of a good MySpace profile, even if they don’t all manage to make one. 

Part III: Third party candidates

Elaine Brown (Green Party)
"Until We're Free"
Age: 64
Star sign: Pisces
Friend count: 348
Comments: 72

Best comment: “Happy Belated Birthday Queen Mama!” – Nappy Logic

Interests: Just music (Trick Daddy, Van Cliburn) and heroes (Fannie Lou Hamer).

Other social network memberships:
None

Former Black Panther Party leader and prison reform activist Elaine Brown has a lot of smart, important things to say on her MySpace profile. Unfortunately, the black background and red and blue text in fluctuating font sizes makes it fairly difficult to read. A writer and musician to boot, this Renaissance woman wrote and sings her campaign theme song, “The End of Silence,” which loads with the page.

Helen: Elaine’s profile projects the call-to-action energy lacking in flack-generated pages of the Dems and Republicans. However, this page isn’t so much a presidency bid as it is about prison reform. Still, there’s lots of information here, as well as her music, making Elaine’s profile worth a visit. But beware of retina burnout.

Ree: Scroll past Elaine’s empty, wasted blog section and you’ll find this title-cased declaration: “Vicious Rumor mongering Will Not Deter Me from My Campaign for the Green Party Presidential Nomination.” What rumor mongering? I knew nothing of this rumor mongering until she mentioned it. If she’s going to bring it up, she needs to spill the beans. Now I want to go Google it and learn more. It’s all I can think about!

***

George Phillies (Libertarian)
"George Phillies, Libertarian Candidate for President"
Age: 59
Star sign: Leo
Friend count: 791 (Including “Jack Tripper, and Green Day!)
Comments: 57

Best comment: “Thanks for the add!” – Mike Gravel 

Interests: Books: (“I’ve written eight … ) and heroes (Josiah Willard Gibbs)

Other social network memberships:
Facebook
Yahoo Groups

This free MySpace page, with its default layout with obligatory American flag graphics, was “paid for by Phillies 2008.” In yet another blatant abuse of the “interest” fields, George includes videos, debate audios and a plug for his books. The site previously featured a lively a cappella Libertarian anthem, “Get Out.” But last time we checked, it was “deleted by the artist.”

Helen: What’s with George’s Grandpa glamour shot? The big plastic glasses are endearing, but the off-white windbreaker is too much. Put on a tie for criminy’s sake! You’re running for president!

Ree: Under the “children” field he’s written “someday.” Dude! You’re 59! And you ain’t no Tony Randall. Further, the only personal tidbit we get is his hero, Josiah Willard Gibbs, a theoretical physicist and chemist. George is out for the brainiac vote.

***

Steve Kubby (Libertarian Party)
"Let Freedom Grow!"
Age: 60
Star sign: Capricorn
Friend count: 4,564
Comments: 168

Best comment: Tokin’, drinkin’ pot leaf graphic that says: “Just stopped by to say high” -- Rev. Cannabis Connoisseur

Interests: Books about pot.

Other social network memberships:
None

Possibly even more garish than Elaine Brown’s MySpace page, Steve Kubby’s profile also suffers from an intense background (this one blue) and a non-sequiturous array of changing font sizes and colors. Seriously, stare at this site for one minute and look away. You’ll still be seeing it three days later. Bob Marley’s “One Love” loads with the site.

Helen: Dang, who built this site? Jeff Spicoli? P.S. Steve’s “Daily Show” clip is totally handicammed straight from the TV screen, bootleg-movie style.

Ree: Steve’s statement that, “This is no more about marijuana than the Boston Tea Party was about tea” is somewhat compromised by the photo of a big hairy bud that follows it. Not to mention that photo of Steve in the universally understood “take a toke” pose. And the Bob Marley music. You know, I’m beginning to suspect this is entirely about pot.

***

Bob W. Hargis (Independent)
"I govern for the American working man because thats what i am and thats who i care about."
Age: 18
Star sign: Capricorn
Friend count: 1 (Just lonely Default Tom)
Comments: 0

Best comment: N/A

Interests: His presidential outline, campaign videos.

Other social network memberships:
None

This profile’s dark background features a seriously creepy eagle head that scrolls with the page – its angry eye glaring at you from beneath the every text box. This make’s Bob’s neatly stacked word blocks difficult to read – both visually and metaphorically.

Helen: Bob lists his age as “18,” yet in his “About me” section, he states that he is a 20-year veteran Public Servant, Critical Care Paramedic, Instructor & Executive EMS Director. Either he doesn’t quite grasp how to fill out a MySpace profile (a common candidate trait found in every political affiliation) or he started working two years prior to birth (which is really impressive).

Ree: OK, we’ve seen plenty of flack blurbs in the third person, but who’s writing this guy’s stuff? His mom? He clearly doesn’t have campaign staff or an exploratory committee. He also states that “Change is one vote away.” Who is that one vote, Default Tom?

Wayne Allen Root (Libertarian Party)
"Root for America 2008"
Age: 43
Star sign: Cancer
Friend count: 64
Comments: 4

Best comment: We don’t know as we can’t read them.

Interests: None listed.

Other social network memberships:
None

Perhaps misunderstanding the statement, “transparent candidate," Wayne Allen Root’s profile challenges the optical nerve of the American with an image of Old Glory bleeding over his entire content. This includes portrait, videos and red text boxes with white font.

Helen: Is it me, or does this dude look just like Marjoe Gortner?

Ree: All I know is that Wayne’s “W.A.R. Story” (get it?) states that he is not only “the most prolific and recognized sports oddsmaker/prognosticator in American television history,” he “has morphed into high profile CEO and entrepreneur, self-made millionaire, best-selling author, TV celebrity, and Libertarian Presidential candidate.” With all that juice, why not hook up a better MySpace profile?

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