Is brainless consumerism killing our culture?

Where to Begin
Case the joint thoroughly. In the days before your Action, as you walk through the target store, slow yourself down and . . . slow the products down, too. See through them. Watch how the branding works. A Nike store is covered with the flying sweating limbs of the famous. A McDonald’s is so bright the air has an ice-like quality, but smells like fries. A Starbucks is dedicated to uniformity but with items that suggest originality, such as mismatching beatnik-like furniture.

These Evil nonplaces each dare us to answer with the perfect violation, the introduction of an internal opposition that explodes the picture. We hope that you find an Action wonderfully suited to cave in the propaganda of your Devil store. We hope these sketches of Actions free your own imagination in these imagination-killing settings.

From the Mouths of Babes to the Blog of the Church
At many Art Attacks there are three types of witnesses: the people, the press, and the police. The latter two are media — they send the message out by way of their theater and so they are important. And you should know who will be there and what to do if a badge or microphones are suddenly thrust in your face.

Publicaffairs

But the first witness is the people. They are often there shopping and we are hoping to interrupt them in an entertaining way. We want to help them create a folk story from their experience. It is always a pleasure to overhear one of them weeks after an Action, “I saw this terrible marriage spat. It was in the middle of the mall. The wife was describing a sweatshop factory and the husband was on his knees. He was absolutely wretched. He was begging her not to leave him because he bought a Tickle-Me-Elmo that was made in Sri Lanka or somewhere. I mean, he was groveling . . . it was incredible!” Don’t be fooled into thinking that this is just light comedy. This is the heart of the matter. This is NEW. To us this is the birthing of new anti-Shopocalyptic language.

A key to change is found in the talk of interrupted shoppers. Communicate. Try to hear what is being said on the grapevine, on blogs, find out what others are doing with their impressions. Post it all on your website, send it all to ours! Revbilly.com! OH PRAISE! WHEN THE SHOPPING STOPS!

Role Players
Every Art Attack should have an Action Manager (AM). Most of the thirteen Actions described below have steps in them and the manager can signal when to stand up and sing, to go to the climax of the piece, or to suddenly go mute if the police happen by. Oftentimes the AM stands near the front door or window, to see both into the store and out into the surrounding cityscape.

It helps to also have a Physical Educator. This is someone who can really lead warm-ups in the church basement, a church members’ yard, or a public park. Breaking through the strict choreography of products and retail environments takes body-and-soul readiness. When you Disturb The Customers, you are doing hard work. Usually we’re basking in the pleasurable release of it for hours afterward, but we’re sore the next morning. Breathing and stretching beforehand helps.

Arrange for your Fair Witness. You’ll want to get a later critique from someone not involved in the Action itself, someone who sits on the very edge of the whole play and can see all the elements. This person is not holding a spy cam or watching for police. His or her only job is to see it all.

And always be polite to the workers and customers. Most of these Actions are comedies with a social conscience. But comedy is very close to anger, and excites all kinds of stuff in onlookers… know that border. Don’t be angry at anyone who is angry with you. They may be dealing with the breaking apart of Living Through Products, a fundamentalist faith, oppressive and hard to leave behind.

Stay soft, cunning, loving.

Sponsored Lover
Two leads (Jamie and Lucy) and two supporting parishioners (the shills) are needed. If possible each shill has a couple of supporting shills coming in from across the Starbucks to join the debate. This Action is designed to spread. If it’s working, a whole Town Hall meeting develops inside our host chain store, discussing the issue of corporate appropriation of human emotions.

Jamie and Lucy are the two lovers. You two enter the store and sit, staring into each others’ eyes. Hold hands in the center of the table. You are transfixed, and just a bit loud. Your shills sit nearby with the AM in sight. The AM sizes up the progress of the play and signals all the shills to turn toward the lovers and openly watch, encouraging voyeuristic interest from throughout the coffee shop.

Jamie: “I love you.”

Lucy: “Oh, I love you.”

Jamie: “I love you.”

Lucy: “Yes darling, I love you so much.”

Jamie: “I want to elope, marry, everything.”

Lucy: “I want to plunge into a new life.”

Jamie: “I love you.”

Lucy: “I love you, too.”

Jamie gets on one knee beside the table.

Jamie: “Will you marry me?, brought to you by Subway—Eat Fresh!”

Lucy: “Oh sweetheart . . . but . . . What did you say?”

Jamie: “What I’ve been saying all along. I love you, brought to you by Fig Newtons, The Taste Treat from Nabisco.”

Lucy: “I love you. Just say ‘I love you.’”

Jamie: “I just love you, Lucy, brought to you by Waste Management Systems, WM, Relax —We’ll Clean Up!”

Lucy: “Honey, what IS this?”

Jamie: “This is my undying devotion to you, that’s all sweetheart, don’t be concerned, sponsored by Zocor. It’s Your Future. Be There.”

Lucy: “Have you, have you . . . SOLD OUR LOVE?!”

Jamie: “Honey, brought to you by your local Coca-Cola bottler, I love you as much as ever! Believe me! by Polo Deckwear.”

Lucy: “Oh my god . . . this is a nightmare . . .”

It unravels from there. This little comedy can branch out in several directions. We would like to hear what you come up with — or see your videotape. It’s very important for the shills to come over to the lovers and spread the discussion throughout the Starbucks. Be loud enough. Don’t be afraid of entering the zone of Exalted Embarrassment.

“Excuse me. I couldn’t help but overhear that you found a corporate sponsor for your marriage proposal. That’s a fascinating profit center. Very creative, almost artistic. Who do you talk to for that kind of arrangement . . . do you have an agent?”

A second shill approaches in a state of shocked (and loud) disbelief. “Saying ‘I love you’ with corporate sponsorship? Are you, are you SERIOUS? I just want to say that this is incredible. Has it come to this? What is this culture coming to? ARE YOU INSANE?”

Another shill marches up. “Look, dude, this is the twentyfirst century, so get on board or get out of the way. You’re either with us or against us. How do you think people make a living today? I’ve sold ad space on my grandma’s forehead!”

The notion that you can sell intimate emotions to corporations is debated by the shills, while the lovers sit in the center of it all. Maybe you’ll be lucky and a Joni Mitchell love song will come over the Starbucks sound system…

Once we had a little old man speak up. He was the kind of nondescript fellow who might haunt the back pages of a Carson McCullers southern diner, that person who is always quietly there in the back with his newspaper and careful napkin and fork. I noticed him and I thought we must be annoying him. Suddenly he put his paper down and called out—

“Did you read the one about the desperate couple who offered to name their child Wal-Mart Lowest Prices Always Johnson? They were demanding a million dollars. Imagine that—growing up with that name. ‘Hello who are you?’ ‘Oh my name is Wal-Mart Lowest Prices Always Johnson!’ I mean, what would you call such a child at home? ‘Wally’? Yes that’s probably what they had in mind. Drop the advertisement in the middle and just stick with Wally but meanwhile get out of town with that Wal-Mart money. Yes, I’m sure of it, that’s what they were thinking, that young couple. Oh well, his name is probably Harold now, something like that. Probably Harold Higby Johnson, after some deceased Uncle Harold Higby or some such. Oh well.”

He brought down the house.

Copyright 2007 by PublicAffairs, a member of the Perseus Books Group. Excerpted from "What Would Jesus Buy: Fabulous Prayers in the Face of the Shopocalypse," by Reverend Billy.  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from PublicAffairs. To learn more about the book, you can visit: www.revbilly.com or www.publicaffairsbooks.com

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