Tough love can help that grown child get a job

Eve Tahmincioglu • Profile • E-mail

Is there a twentysomething unemployed kid lying on your couch?

If so, you’re not alone. Quite a few parents write me about their struggling adult children, many who are fresh out of college, who just can’t get on the right career path, or any path at all.

Many found the professions they had hoped to break into weren’t easy to break into. Others haven’t quite figured out what it is they want to do, biding their time in the rooms they grew up in waiting for the career fairy to show them a sign.

Nicholas Aretakis, author of "No More Ramen: The 20-Something's Real World Survival Guide," notes that 14 percent of all U.S. families had at least one adult child in their household in 2005, a big increase from 3 percent in 1970. And last year the jobless rate among 20- to 24-year-olds was 8.2 percent, more than double what the rate was among the 25-plus crowd, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

“Hands on” parents who are more likely to say they are “good friends” with their sons and daughters, Aretakis says, are willing to help with the job search and give their older children room and board in hopes of providing them with all of life’s advantages.

Unfortunately, sometimes moms and dads enable Junior’s lack of success.

“As long as parents are supporting these kids there will be no real drive to get out of the house,” says Mindy Bingham, author of "Career Choices and Changes."

The key, she says, is an “expectation of self-sufficiency.” Parents should be having that conversation with kids starting at age 13 and 14, that they will be expected to take care of themselves and hold down a job when they become adults. But for older children now is a time for remediation, she advises. Give them an adult reality check — the gravy train is coming to an end.

Bingham suggests having adult kids contribute to the home by paying rent and covering all their own bills. That, she says, often puts the fire under young adults to find a career and move on.

Another parent faux pas — becoming a career buttinsky.

“I’ve heard of instances where parents were calling employers on their child’s behalf and asking why they didn’t get the job or where they’ve called to negotiate salaries,” says Stephen Seaward, director of career development at Saint Joseph College in West Hartford, Conn. “Meanwhile, the employer is thinking, ‘Can this student handle himself if they have to have someone do this for them? How will I ever be able to use this person to interact with customers?’”

So the bottom line is, you have to strike a balance when helping your children find their career bliss. Advice, guidance, a shoulder to cry on. These are all acceptable. But this is their cross to bear, and if they don’t take on the career burden they may end up on your couch at age 30.

Here are some of your letters:

I’m a very frustrated mother. My son graduated last May with his master's in microbiology from a Tennessee state college. He worked for the school two years while working on his masters. He did a semester internship while getting his B.S. in biology and graduated with an overall GPA of 3.7. He has sent out many resumes on the Internet and has only had one interview in the state of Iowa.

Many of the businesses want experience, yet no one is willing to give him a job. What do I do to help him? As a parent that has always taken care of her children, and tried to guide them in the right direction, things just don’t seem to be going so well. All he wants is a job, to use the degrees that he has earned after going to school. What can I do to help him? Who can I contact to help him? Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
— A Very Concerned Mom from Tennessee      

A lot of the questions you’re asking include the word “I”. Unfortunately, you can’t get your son a job. It’s all up to him from now on; and you’re not a failure as a mom because he doesn’t have a gig yet.

Obviously, parents who have friends or relatives in the industry their children want to break into can open the door to those resources, but even in this case, the child has to be the one that calls these contacts and makes the connection.

I have often stated in my column that the key to finding a job is networking, not sending out resumes into the abyss that can often be web-based job boards.

Your son should go back to the college where he got his degree, and exhaust all the resources the career office there can offer. Also, he should start calling alumni from the school that have gone into his chosen career, says career counselor Anna Ivey. There is nothing wrong with making cold calls or sending e-mails to these individuals and find out if they know of jobs available or can hook them up with others in the industry.

And what about the organization where he did his internship? Are there jobs available there, or can they connect him with other firms who are looking to hire?

Thinking small can also help. If he wants a job in microbiology he should apply to smaller firms, possibly start ups that might give him an opportunity to learn. The pay may not be as good but it will get him the valuable experience he needs.

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