When musicians decide they’re actors

Sadly, ‘80s hip-hop trio (and the band of men that “American Idol” finalist Blake Lewis should be forced to pay royalties to for the rest of his career) The Fat Boys were only ever allowed to star in one narrative feature, “Disorderlies.”  I say “sadly” because they were hilarious as wacky nursing home employees who made sure all the seniors in their care had rollicking, rap-slang-infused golden years.

See, trained comic actors — bloated with arrogance and self-assurance that every utterance and mug is laff-riot gold — they will fail you. Billy Crystal and Robin Williams prove this over and over. But the Fat Boys were simply self-trained rappers with a love of chocolate cake and good times.

Like the Pet Shop Boys and Prince, they knew who they were and didn’t feel the need to change that up too much just because there happened to be actors standing near them doing whatever it is they felt needed to be done. They just were, and that was plenty. The Three Stooges, had they lived in the 1980s, would have made this movie, one that featured high-society people, including ’70s pop star Helen Reddy of “Angie Baby” fame, falling fully clothed into a pool.

Note to future filmmakers, including whoever’s responsible for the nascent Larry The Cable Guy oeuvre: this kind of thing is never not funny. In fact, the surviving members of the band should be in the next Larry The Cable Guy movie. It’ll be constant hijinks.

The roll call is nearly endless, too, thank goodness. The acting cockroach has bitten Charo, Marilyn Manson, The Bee Gees, Missy Elliot, Dio, Lance Bass, Pat Boone, Da Brat, Jarvis Cocker, Donna Summer, Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, Usher, George Strait, The Village People and S Club 7. They’ve all dared. Most have failed. But none have been boring (well, except George Strait and Jessica Simpson if I’m going to be totally honest.) And go check out another piece I wrote for this very site called “The Casting Ouch” if you’re worried that I ignored your favorite big-screen performance by Britney Spears, Vanilla Ice, Kelly Rowland, Run DMC, Kelly Clarkson, Jermaine Jackson, Kate Smith, Mariah Carey, Liberace or Madonna.

Meanwhile, I’m preparing my thesis on “Spice World” as we speak.

Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and the author of “Exile in Guyville.” Find him at www.myspace.com/dlelandwhite.

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