Jail bad? It’s just another way to get publicity

Jail isn’t so bad, when you think about it. I’ve never been, so I can’t really speak from first-hand knowledge.

But I have watched a lot of TV over the years, and I believe real-life jail falls somewhere between “Oz” and the cell in “The Andy Griffith Show” where Otis the Mayberry town drunk used to sleep off benders.

There are three squares a day, especially in the latter example, where an inmate on a typical day might feast on Aunt Bee’s homemade fried chicken and blueberry pie. There is a bed, a bathroom area and usually a chatty roommate to keep you company. I don’t believe most jails in the United States have wireless Internet yet — especially the Supermax prison in Colorado, which is a little behind the times if you ask me — but you know it’s coming. You can’t stand in the way of technology.

Paris Hilton would be advised to remember all this, and more. She began her 3-week jail sentence on Monday for violating terms of her probation. She will be held in an 8-by-12 cell in the Los Angeles County’s detention center for women in Lynwood, Calif. That may sound bleak, but you give Paris a few swatches of fabric, a Restoration Hardware catalog and a little encouragement and that place is going to look really cute, mark my words.

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However, it isn’t the day-to-day routine of confinement that is the attraction here for Paris Hilton, it’s the aftermath. When she finally finishes her stretch, she will have street cred, which is the one thing on Earth she can’t buy, although don’t think one of her minions hasn’t contacted Sotheby’s to inquire.

Despite the efforts of her beleaguered publicists — the fact that Elliot “Mintz” rhymes with “prince” is not coincidental, in my opinion — Paris is played. She’s not yesterday’s news, or the day before’s news, but the day-before-that’s news.  The whole party girl thing wore thin a long time ago. She had another spat with Nicole Richie. She comforted Lindsey Lohan after a meltdown at Hyde. She made another sex video ... OK, I’ll look at it a few times, but then explain to me how it’s different than the others?

Jail may turn out to be the best thing to ever happen to Paris Hilton.

Everything old is news again

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After serving her time, she’ll have new stories to tell. She’ll have a whole new perspective on life.

She’ll be news again!

And that’s the most important aspect of being a celebrity. Although many complain about paparazzi snapping their photos as they emerge from restaurants and nightclubs, or about anecdotes on the Internet or in gossip rags about canoodling with this squeeze or that, the fact is they would become absolutely apoplectic if they received no attention at all.

This, I’m afraid, was happening to Paris Hilton. Although it’s no laughing matter that she has earned this jail time by getting behind the wheel of a car when she shouldn’t have been — remember, she was busted in September on a DUI after failing a field sobriety test — her star was fading quickly. Before the judge handed down her jail sentence recently, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim had more star wattage than Paris Hilton. Together, I mean, not separately. I tend to exaggerate, but I’m not out of my mind.

After jail, Paris will be asked to appear on talk shows, she’ll get invited to parties rather than having to crash them, she might even be asked to serve as a celebrity judge on “American Idol,” although let’s hope she and Paula Abdul don’t drive to the show together.

All in all, jail will be just the ticket for Paris. In Hollywood, jail is the new rehab.

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