Growing up trapped in a man's body

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However, by the time I turned 20, I had begun coming out to several people I knew and trusted; my friend Lindsay was the first followed by several others. Though I was nervous each time I told someone, everyone I have told has been very supportive. I mean, Lindsay was a girl who I had idolized and pretended to have been in love with for a year — someone that should have despised me — yet she still was, and continues to be, a major support in my life. I think that is one thing transgender people need to know: though there are several people who will NOT accept you, there are many others who will.

I am also very lucky in the sense that my family is fairly supportive as well. They do not really understand transgenderism, and I am not sure they actually see me as their daughter on an absolutely sincere level, but they love me anyway. I guess that is all I can really ask of them; they love me and accept me for who I am whether or not they comprehend just who I am.

I am also fairly lucky in that I did start hormones reasonably early. For most transgender people, it is never early enough — and I often feel I missed out on so much in my life because of it — but I believe I will do well. In fact, on my first day going full-time as a girl while at school, I got a boyfriend; I received my first kiss EVER on New Years’ Eve 2006. People at school are very nice to me, and my social life has increased exponentially. I could not tell you how great I felt the moment I realized I could actually fulfill my dream of being the girl I always knew I was, and people would not only accept me for it, but love me for it as well. Though I still planned on having surgeries — and I am often self-conscious about my appearance — I was very content for the first time in my life.

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I could have easily gone “stealth,” as they call it — that is, never mentioning I was transgender and just living life as a woman. I could have; I realized this about a month after going full-time. However, having been to the Southern Comfort Conference, and having talked with many transgender people across the country online, I realized not everyone could. Not everyone had the benefits I did, and for a lot, they never will. I then began to realize in my own life that there were times when I had to confront my old life — when I went to the bank or checked out a library book while still having my old name. I could argue that after surgery and a legal name change, none of this would occur again; however, that would be stupid to think that. Even the most beautiful and so-called “complete” transsexuals have to deal with their old identities sometime, and it only takes one time for it to seriously hurt or even kill you.

I then got an e-mail from NBC talking about a documentary for transgender youth. Something clicked within me when I read that e-mail. I am not sure why, but at that point I realized that if I did not stand up to advocate for transgender rights, perhaps no one would. The transgender population is fairly small as is, but probably only a handful actually fight for the rights of transgender people openly. I knew I had to do this documentary for all those people who could not or would not (for very understandable reasons) fight for their rights and support; I knew I had to do this documentary for myself — facing the problems of every transgender person out in the open, rather than being struck from behind.

Was I nervous when NBC actually picked me to be on the show? Was I worried about my safety following the airing of it? Certainly, but none of that really seemed to matter; the transgender community is very close-knit, and it means a lot to me. So, fear and apprehension were not things that were going to hold me back. In fact, after the documentary was filmed, I decided I wanted to go further. I was going to volunteer for the Southern Comfort Conference — the same conference that had so helped me just a few months before.

If I could, would I change it so I was born female? Probably every time. However, it is not going to happen, and I have come to a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed of who I am. In fact, I have a lot of advantages and perspectives that only a small percentage of the population have. I do not want anyone else to be ashamed of who they are either, and I certainly hope that if I can, that someone else going through the same issues does not have to put up with the same trauma I had to go through because of my actions. I might be missing out on several things I might have wanted to do by doing this highly public thing, but I have a feeling this is just going to be the beginning.

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