Do men cheat for the thrill? Or the sex?

Women can be cheaters too
Men have not cornered the market when it comes to philandering. Women tend to be motivated to cheat by more emotional factors than men. Women are really looking for communication and emotional intimacy in the new bond. They want to talk to someone who makes them feel important, cared for, secure and understood. Many women cheat out of feelings of insecurity over their abilities and their attractiveness. Some women feel lonely within their marriages and want to connect to someone who will be affectionate and attentive.
Anger and disappointment with their spouse often spurs a woman to seek another man. She may specifically look for a man who makes more money or has a better job. Or this may just be a means of punishing her husband for not giving her the emotional attention she craves.

The search for feeling sexy, playful and less sexually inhibited may also be the start of an affair, especially if fears of aging and loss of attractiveness are bothering her. Psychologically women who enter into affairs with men who are 10 to 20 years older than them may be looking for affection from a father who never gave it to them. If their father was gone, neglectful or angry a lot she may crave that paternal attention and seek it in an affair. Sometimes women who struggle with depression start affairs to push away the depressed feelings and be swept up in romance.

Most women will say that while romance is important to them and they care for this lover that they are not actually in love with him. While sex does happen, sharing confidences ranks high in importance. Women often choose to cheat with married men. It seems safer in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, concerns over having the man reveal the affair and not having too much time or effort asked of them.

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Full-time working women are more likely to cheat then stay-at-home women and their lover more than half the time comes from work. This is partially due to opportunity but also has a lot to do with feeling that the man is interested in what she thinks about and who she is. Sometimes women cheat because they believe it will somehow help their ailing marriage. This is a MYTH. In fact, the excitement of new romance often makes their marriage seem even more drab and horrible and they really want to leave. Generally speaking women are less likely to jump into an affair. Many women have known their affair partner for at least a few months and have contemplated having the affair for weeks.

Getting over the affair when a woman cheats requires the same kind of work as when a man cheats … but the job is harder. In general, men are less forgiving of their wife cheating than wives are about their cheating husbands. Overall, only about a third of marriages survive affairs. It is hard to forgive, redevelop trust and make your marriage a more intimate and satisfying one but it can be done. Some couples find their marriage is the best it has ever been after repairing from an affair.

How to save your marriage:

• Ending the affair. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. You must end the affair and tell him you want to make the marriage work. Don’t overdo the details. Tell him who, where, how long, why and who else knows. Don’t tell him the gory details. This will only fester in his mind and pain him (unnecessarily) forever.
• Figure out why you did it. What is lacking in the marriage? What drives you to search for love in wrong places? What made you risk it all? Then address these things with yourself, with your spouse and possibly with a therapist.
• Repair the marriage. Trust, passion, open communication and respect. These all must be regained and worked hard on. Sometimes a marriage counselor can really help.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: If you sense your partner may stray, then get moving on protecting your union. Ask him more of what he wants with you, sexually and emotionally, don’t let him hang out with her without you, don’t stay at home angry and pouting and giving him both opportunity and impetus. Tell him what you really love about him.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie,” by Dr. Gail Saltz. She is also the author of "Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts," which helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.

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