Pondering Paris' not-so-simple life in jail

“The Simple Life,” although purportedly unscripted, is largely staged. Prison won’t be. That’s when Paris will really have to think on her feet. Example I: What if the brutish matron of the guards has Paris brought to her office for a private intensive on the importance of respecting authority. Which earrings should she wear? Example II: Will the prison snitch back off if you throw a cosmo in her face? Example III: Those large coils of razor wire atop the cement walls. Are they sort of like the velvet ropes outside a nightclub? And if so, where’s the big guy with the clipboard?

Probably the most significant adjustment Paris will have to make behind bars is the lack of men. In addition to Stavros Niarchos, she has been romantically linked to Paris Latsis, Brandon Davis, Josh Henderson, Brian Urlacher, Matt Leinart and many others. Clearly, Paris enjoys the company of men.

Yet she may be imprisoned for up to 90 days with nothing but women. If that happens, she has three options: 1) Request to be placed in a cell block that is patrolled by male guards, and preferably, male guards who happen to be either professional athletes or sons of Greek shipping magnates. 2) Many female inmates look like men, so perhaps with a little work, they can be made to look like somebody she would actually sleep with and then dump. 3) Conjugal visits, Paris’ preferred of the three choices, since they most closely reflect her current dating habits.

While she’s in prison, she’ll probably have to work. Again, she is not unaccustomed to demeaning tasks after performing pregnancy tests on cattle, cleaning rooms at a motel, emptying airplane lavatories and recording the single “Stars Are Blind.”

The major difference before prison is that Paris was compensated handsomely for everything she did. Inside prison, she’ll get pennies per hour for folding laundry or making license plates. The money she earns during her entire 90-day stretch won’t even be enough to pay the cover charge at Shag. Fortunately, she has money put aside.

That brings us to life after prison. The purpose of incarceration is threefold: One, to punish. Two, to rehabilitate. Three, to protect society.

On the first point, I think 90 days in jail will send a message to Paris that she can’t act like a spoiled socialite forever, or at least for the 90 days she’s in jail. On the second, I’m sure she’ll be a better person after serving her sentence and won’t even consider violating her probation again, unless she’s really craving an In-N-Out burger.

The third point is the most problematic, because as long as there are parties and paparazzi, there will be Paris, which means society will always be vulnerable as long as she is allowed to walk, or drive, the streets.

Paris Hilton coming out of a restaurant. Paris Hilton cracking up a car. Paris Hilton breaking up with one guy and hooking up with another. Paris Hilton on TV, on CD, on DVD.

With Paris free, all of us are in a kind of prison, with no hope of parole.

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