Pondering Paris' not-so-simple life in jail

Upon first glance, the image of Paris Hilton being led away in handcuffs isn’t so unusual, given her affinity for making sex videos. As a true artist, she is obligated to explore new frontiers, even though most of her Internet fans might agree there are few left.

But recent events might throw a dark new twist – dare I say, a sordid wrinkle – into the Paris Hilton oeuvre. It seems Los Angeles city prosecutors will ask a judge to revoke her probation because she was caught in February driving with a suspended license. If the judge agrees, she could spend 90 days in jail.

Some of this depends on the judge. If it’s, say, Judge Larry Seidlin, the man who presided over the Anna Nicole Smith case and who is taking lots of meetings in Hollywood these days, Paris could avoid incarceration simply by telling him a sob story. He likes to sob.

If it isn’t Seidlin, if it’s someone who believes that a celebrity who pleaded no-contest to alcohol-related reckless driving in September — only to follow up that incident by getting nabbed speeding along Sunset Boulevard in a blue Bentley Continental GTC at night with the headlights off and a suspended license — does not deserve preferential treatment, then Paris may have to check into the Graybar Hotel, which is not affiliated with the Hilton chain.

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To her legions of fans, the image of their idol being stripped, cavity-searched, scrubbed with pumice soap and deloused by sadistic female prison ogresses, all while holding her little dog in her purse, might be too much to bear. After all, her entire reputation is built on dignity.

Of course, life in stir may not be as bad for Paris as some might think. It seemed to agree with Martha Stewart. Remember, Martha didn’t really complain that much about her actual time in prison, but rather about the discomfort she experienced afterward while wearing an electronic ankle bracelet. While in custody, Martha simply employed the same survival tactics she used in the business world, and in fact, she sliced up fewer dirtbags in the prison showers than she does on a typical day in the boardroom.

Paris could conceivably experience this same dynamic. But she will have to toughen up first. Trading tabloid barbs with Nicole Richie or exchanging slaps with Shanna Moakler at Hyde over a Greek shipping heir pales in comparison to engaging Maggie the Toothless Cannibal in an eye-gouging contest over the last dinner roll.

Living with few creature comforts will not throw Paris for a loop, as it might for some. Remember, she had to pluck chickens and milk cows in “The Simple Life.” In fact, in another episode from Season Four she and Nicole threw a surprise commitment ceremony for unwed lesbian mothers. Inside a women’s prison, those varied experiences may prove beneficial, so long as she doesn’t become confused and try to milk unwed lesbian mothers.

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