Dining out with the little darlings

Have you had “the talk” with your kids?

Not the one about the birds and the bees — the one where you tell your kids exactly how you expect them to behave in a restaurant.

Make the ground rules clear (“there will be no loud burping, belching or yelling and no kicking your baby brother under the table ...”) and that restaurant meal across town or across country can be a fun, memorable adventure for the whole family.

Skip “the talk” and the kid-tested tips below, though, and you risk ruining not just your family’s meal but the dining experience of those around you.

You might even end up being forever known as “that family whose three-year-old bit the waiter and made the Maitre d’ cry.”

Many parents try to lay down the law mid-meal amid toppled water glasses, upended soup bowls and disapproving looks from other diners. But Leo MacLeod of Portland, Ore., says he learned early on that it’s too late to discuss manners once the family is seated at the table in a restaurant. When his kids were young he’d give them “the talk” in the car before bringing them into a restaurant. “This avoids embarrassing them in a public place by chastising them. That wouldn’t be respectful of the kids.”

“A good approach,” says Susan Huston. She holds etiquette classes for adults and children in Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas and says the goal of “the talk’ is not to scold but to “explain to children that when they are in a restaurant there are many other people around them who wish to talk, eat and enjoy their dinner.” It also lets kids know that “they will be expected to behave, follow a parent’s requests and instructions and put on their best manners.”

Ideally, says Huston, kids have learned those best manners at home during regular family meals and perhaps during a few “pretend” restaurant meals with practice menus, a few unfamiliar foods and a table set with “better dishes and more forks, knives, and glasses etc. ...”

What else works? Try some of these road-tested tips for dining with little darlings:

Don’t skip “the talk.” Meals at your house might be raucous events where everyone talks at once and is allowed to reach across the table. But even in kid-friendly restaurants, young diners should be reminded — before they step through the door — that eating out is a special occasion worthy of “inside voices” and extra good behavior.

Do your homework. Don’t torture a hungry kid by making them sit in a stuffy, white-tablecloth restaurant with nothing to do while the adults sip cocktails and chat away about work, politics and that scandalous affair the neighbor thinks no one knows about. Find family-friendly restaurants that have kids’ menus, highchairs, crayons and coloring books and a wait staff that clearly love kids and is incredibly patient. Word spreads fast about the kid-friendliest spots in town. When your family is on the road, seek guidance from a hotel desk clerk or concierge, other families or the folks at the local Visitors and Convention Bureau hotline. And don’t be shy about just stopping by to “visit” a restaurant before making a commitment.

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Be prepared. Restaurant-supplied diversions are a great treat, but don’t assume they’ll always be available. Bring some books, drawing paper, markers, stamped postcards and other activities that might keep your children quiet and entertained while they wait for their meals to arrive. Some parents say a long wait at a restaurant is a good time to declare a moratorium on the “no Game Boys at the table” rule in force at many homes.

Make it special. The promise of a mocktail, flaming dessert, pupu platter or some other “exotic” dish not on the menu at home might entice even the most fidgety child to sit still — for a while.  And asking a young person to tell the waiter your order, tally the tip or add an opinion on the topic being discussed by the adults at the table can turn a boring meal into a “grown up” educational experience.

Meltdowns are for cheeseburgers. If your child has a meltdown please do not ignore their behavior and allow them to disrupt other diners. You may be accustomed to waiting out a tantrum or adept at tuning it out completely, but it is never appropriate to expect other diners to do so. Take the child to the bathroom, to the car, or for a walk outside the restaurant until they calm down. Or ask to have your meals boxed up and try again another day.

Don’t make the waiter cry. A busy restaurant is an exciting but dangerous place. There are sharp utensils, interesting strangers at other tables and men and women rushing about with big trays filled with plates of sizzling food and cups of hot, sloshing liquids. If you allow your child to wander about or roll around on the floor, there's a good chance they’ll get underfoot and cause one of those trays to come crashing down. And that’s when tears will really begin to flow.

Break bread but don’t bite the waiter: Don’t skimp on the tip if your family’s dining adventure includes pleas for rushed service, multiple substitutions to accommodate finicky eaters, an extra dessert to replace the one that “fell” on the floor and a mashed up pile of food under the table. And if in all the commotion your child does bite the waiter, double the tip and make a beeline for the door.