Are we raising a nation of little egomaniacs?

While Joens’ sons, who are now 18 and 21, were growing up she acknowledges that she sometimes felt educators and parents mishandled situations in the name of self-esteem.

“A teacher once informed me that she didn’t want to push kids too far because if they had trouble with the work they wouldn’t feel good about themselves,” explains Joens. Her sons also went to schools that did away with reading and math levels for fear that ranking children would make those in the lesser accomplished groups “feel bad.”

She acknowledges that these types of actions can come off as ridiculous and may even give children a false feeling of success. However, she does not buy into the notion that self-esteem produces narcissistic kids.

“We have a pretty mentally unhealthy society right now," she says. "It’s not because we focused on self-esteem too much. In fact, I think we should pay more attention to it ... we need to do it right. We need to give kids accurate feedback, teach them to know themselves, their families and what they think and feel about different issues. You don’t tell a child who is a C student in math that he is a wonderful mathematician.  He knows doggoned well that the kid sitting next to him — the A student — if far better.”

Instead, she says, you tell him that with work he may be able to bring his grade up or master more of the needed skills.

Scheck agrees, noting that his kids were usually pretty good at knowing what was real and what wasn’t. Throughout their childhood both of his kids were showered with feel-good ribbons and awards for merely participating in sports, music and science events. Whatever they did, they seemed to come home with a certificate or a ribbon.

But have his kids grown into self-important egomaniacs because of the praise and ribbons?

Maybe sometimes. Scheck recalls his son coming home from volunteering in the emergency room and complaining that the doctors and nurses didn’t include him in any of their discussions about patients. His son was in high school at the time.

“Times like these have made it clear that our kids have much higher opinions of themselves than my wife and I ever did at their age,” he says. After the Schecks stopped laughing, however, they used it as a teachable moment. “We talked to him not only about patient confidentiality but also about how he has to earn the respect of people he admires. It’s not just automatic,” says Scheck. “He got it. And you know what? Eventually the doctors did include him in some of their discussions.”

An 'A' for effort
According to Charlotte Reznick, an associate clinical professor of psychology at UCLA, this is a good example of a kid with decent self-esteem going after what he wanted.

“If you don’t think you can, you won’t even try,” says Reznick. The best thing about self-esteem is that it gives kids courage to explore and learn. So if Scheck’s son never thought he was worthy of contributing to an ER department or, as he’s currently doing, studying science at a well-respected university, he never would have gone for these goals.

“I don’t want parents to think they should stop telling kids they’re important. They need that. This is simply a great time to reevaluate what self-esteem means. Kids need self-esteem so they have enough courage to explore the areas that interest them,” Reznick says.

Scheck, dean of liberal arts and sciences at Western Oregon University, believes the current generation may feel more entitled than their elders but he doesn’t feel society is damned because of it.

“I started teaching college 25 years ago and today I run into just as many fantastic kids — and just as many obnoxious ones — as I did when I started.” 

Victoria Clayton is a freelance writer based in California and co-author of "Fearless Pregnancy: Wisdom and Reassurance from a Doctor, a Midwife and a Mom," published by Fair Winds Press.

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