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Engel: ‘I’ve seen so many ugly things’
'I have so many memories I am not sure people are equipped to deal with,' says NBC correspondent Richard Engel, on his five years covering the war
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War Zone Diary 2008 MSNBC documentary: Watch Richard Engel on the front lines. He reflects on some of the physical and emotional scars that the war has left on the people of Iraq. Doc Block |
Editor's note: Below is a partial transcript to the MSNBC special report “
RICHARD ENGEL: I was a freelancer and I’d snuck into Iraq”
ANNOUNCER: A gripping look at the realities of covering the war In Iraq
ENGEL: They call this intense urban fighting. All of this does have a psychological impact. I’ve seen so many ugly things”
ANNOUNCER: For five years, Richard Engel put his own life on hold to report from the war zone
ENGEL: I thought it would be important to document for my own sake what i was going through. It looks like a bullet may have just come through my window. You can hear those bombings outside. I don’t even notice them anymore. You start to wonder, am I doing the right thing? I did at some stage think i may have been recording my obituary.
VIDEO DIARY RICHARD ENGEL: Well, I’m hearing lots of anti-aircraft fire around me. It’s been the most intense so far.
March 21, 2003 9:00 PM EST “Shock and Awe”
The building was shaking. I thought to myself, “I can’t keep this up much longer. If it is gonna be like this every, single night I’m not gonna live through this.”
VIDEO DIARY: Whoa! Whoa! It’s okay. Uh, It’s going to be okay.
I thought it would be important to document for my own sake what I was going through. I’m now making a little dinner for myself. Note to self, next time think of more knives and forks and spoons.
I thought, “If I’m gonna keep a journal in this digital age, I may as well keep a video journal so that I’ll have some sort of record of it
VIDEO DIARY: That’s me, filming.
Not only of what I was saying and what I was feeling but also what I was looking like, what the place where I was living looked like.
VIDEO DIARY: I have managed to rig this light. The hotel has continued to operate as an emergency light. I’ve managed to pull it out of wall, split the wires, and I am running a wire from it, to power an extension cord.
I did at some stage think I may have been recording my own obituary.
VIDEO DIARY: So, we wait, huh.
I was a freelancer and I’d snuck into Iraq bribing some Iraqi officials with a few hundred dollars. They gave me an illegal visa, and then once I was here, I was very surprised. Almost all of the other news organizations pulled their reporters out.
VIDEO DIARY: On this roof at one stage, there were many, many camera crews. They are all now unfortunately mostly gone
Suddenly, I was one of the few people left in the country.
VIDEO DIARY: I just spoke with my wife. She’s not very calm. She’s uh, she’s nervous she’s not telling me to leave but she’s saying that it’s been very difficult on her and the rest of my family. When you speak to your family, it brings it home and makes you think about the big picture and you start to wonder, am I doing the right thing? Am I going to end up looking like some sort of foolish cowboy who, who stayed out?
I don’t think you can really prepare for an urban war.
VIDEO DIARY: I have here a helmet and a bullet proof jacket, a belt, a money belt with a zipper in the back to uh, there should be about a thousand dollars in there. A whole stack of local currency, it’s not worth as much as you’d think. All of this is about a hundred and, about a hundred and ten dollars or so.
I was just trying to think, what are the things I was going to need.
VIDEO DIARY: Here’s some extra food that I’ve stored up.. some peas.. some sort of chicken luncheon meat that I really hope I don’t have to eat.
I didn’t want to be dependant on any other people, if, if possible
VIDEO DIARY: This is something I really hope I don’t have to use. It’s atropine.. You probably have seen this in other reports. This is what you are supposed to take in case of a nerve agent attack these are little syringes. You undo this knob, this yellow knob, and then you stab yourself with the green end. If you do this when you’re not exposed to a nerve agent it can be lethal so you want to be very careful with that stuff. I hope to never open that little pouch.
I would go out during the day with my camera and drivers and try and assess the situation, the mood.
There were a few times where I was nervous, U.S. forces had dropped a cruise missile into a crowded marketplace killing many civilians
When I got there some of them were quite aggressive. They were holding up body parts in my face and screaming, “this is what the American government has done. This is what your government has done.”
The Iraqi government had this bizarre attitude. The press conferences were completely ridiculous. Most of the microphones that were in front of those podiums were not even plugged in. They were just taped to the podium itself and that was like the regime in general. It was just a facade at this point.
April 3, 2003: Baghdad Blackout
It happened one night. Power was cut in Baghdad. I knew it then. The Americans were coming. As the Americans were approaching I could see their air support coming in. The apache attack helicopters and the a-10 warthog. just laying waste to anything in front of the advancing American troops
VIDEO DIARY: You can hear those bombings outside. I don’t even notice them anymore, hardly, and um they are sort of just background music
So the war was getting much, much closer and I think those were by far the most dangerous days.
VIDEO DIARY: Don’t know what just happened. It looks like a bullet may have just come through my window.
It went right through the balcony window and lodged into the ceiling. Had I been standing up it would’ve—it was about this level. It would’ve gone right through my head.
VIDEO DIARY: Why are they shooting bullets up at my ceiling?
The Iraqi, the government sort of faded into the background, it just disappeared. The final moment was when the information minister was on the roof saying, “we’re winning. The Americans aren’t even here in Baghdad but the tanks were behind him.”
“We’ve besieged them. And we killed most of them. And I think we will finish them soon. My feelings, as usual, we will slaughter them all.”
VIDEO DIARY: The camera is live, so you are going to be off me and then show is the streets, ok?
There was a tremendous sense of relief. I remember when I first saw the marines rolling down into that square, I had this huge smile on my face. I had lived through it. What people saw on television was that the statue was being pulled down by a crowd of Iraqis. But what I was hearing was that those Iraqis were all Shiites. They were not only celebrating the arrival of the Americans, but they were also cheering, “long live sadr. Long live sadr.” And (noise) it was clear then that this was just the start of a new conflict.
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