When the boss is a bully: How to cope

For some employees who work for bullies, acceptance might also be an option, says Gini Graham Scott, author of “A Survival Guide to Working with Bad Bosses: Dealing with Bullies, Idiots, Back-Stabbers, and Other Managers from Hell.”

There might be some companies, she says, where people are just more intense and emotional because of cultural differences. “If you're part of a culture and everyone yells at everyone you have to learn to accept that, or maybe the job is not right for you,” she explains.

And don’t take it personally. “I think some women can be more sensitive and personalize these things, where men can have a stiffer upper lip. They all yell at each other and then go out and have a drink,” Graham Scott adds.

Linda Barkdoll, Coordinator of the Human Resources Development graduate program at McDaniel College, offers some tips when you’re caught up in a boss’ fury:

• Do not escalate the boss's ill humor by being argumentative, or shouting back.
• Do not be insubordinate.
• If possible, try to ask questions to clarify what the boss's concern is.
• Use a calm and quiet voice when speaking to the boss. It can have a de-escalating, calming effect.
• Remember you have to work with/for this person, so try to figure out what the triggers are. If it is something you are doing, try not to.
• If your boss has moments of sanity, try to talk with him/her regarding the effect the shouting and verbal abuse has on you and on your work. Keep the focus of your comments on the boss's behavior and its effects, not on the boss personally.
• If you are ever concerned for your safety, remove yourself from the boss's presence.
• If the situation is unbearable, or the boss is hopeless, consider finding another job. Your physical and mental health should not be sacrificed to keep the boss happy.

And if you can’t defuse the situation, Barkdoll adds, you can go to HR, complain to your boss’ boss, file an EEOC complaint if you think it’s warranted, or go to a union rep if your company has a union.

Some of the things you should never do, adds Covey, are wallow in the pain a bully boss causes or gossip with co-workers about how bad he or she is.

“It’s not morally right to become a judge of someone else. It’s like a cancer, people full of complaining and criticizing. It begins to affect the body, affect relationships with loved ones,” he says.

And you can find comfort in the fact that many employees before you have suffered under a workplace tyrant and survived to go onto greatness. In my book, “From the Sandbox to the Corner Office” almost every one of the 55 CEOs I interviewed said they had a bad boss in their past.

William Novelli, the CEO of AARP, the membership organization for older Americans, told me he once had a boss that used fear and intimidation, but realized later, “I probably learned more from him than any other boss, but I don’t think you want to manage the way he did.”

As for Sarah Thurston, she left after only four months with the yeller. In hindsight, she says, “I think a good question to ask anyone that’s interviewing you is, ‘How do you deal with conflict at work?’ Might be interesting to hear their response.”

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