Van Halen in the House!

Meet a California-based ’80s hard rock band struggling to keep the peace long enough to play one gig. For them, this should be a time to reflect proudly on artistic contributions and commercial successes — revolutionizing the heavy metal sound, selling 56 million albums in the U.S., and making it into the Guinness Book of World Records with the most No. 1 hits on the Billboard Mainstream Rock List ever.

Instead, these middle-aged musicians are trapped in a decades-long drama of toxic attitudes and scuttled reunions — with innocent fans trapped in the fray. After canceling a much-anticipated 40-date tour in February, these guys can’t even stay civil for their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

If nostalgia for camaraderie lost, love of music, and wads and wads of serious concert ticket lucre can’t get this band back together, there’s only one man left to turn to. Take an exclusive peek inside an event that almost certainly never happened, as Van Halen moves in for an intensive week-long stay in the Dr. Phil House!

DAY 1: ORIENTATION

Dr. Phil McGraw: Now boys, I’ve brought you here to get real. Not with me, but with each other. First let me tell you that I know a thing or two about the music business. My close personal friends, Brooks and Dunn, have clued me into the stresses you’re likely facing. The women, the roadies, what have you. So let’s start with Eddie. Why do you think you boys have such a hard time of it?

Eddie Van Halen: Man, my brother, Alex, and me …

NBC VIDEO Some furious over rap group’s induction March 12: R.E.M. and Van Halen will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, alongside hip hop legends Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Rolling Stone’s Toure’ and MSNBC-TV’s Contessa Brewer discuss. MSNBC

Alex Van Halen: Hey.

Eddie: We can’t find anyone with enough integrity to just respect the music, man.

Dr. Phil: OK, I hear ya. You don’t think people like Dave or Michael Anthony here get it. Not even your old pal Sammy Hagar. Now, maybe I’m about as sharp as a cotton swab, but it seems like it’s always someone else’s fault. It’s never Eddie’s fault. Is that what you want me to believe?

Eddie: Man, I’m just saying.

Alex: Yeah.

Dr. Phil: Dave, what are you smiling about?

David Lee Roth: Dude, I’m just so psyched to be here! I can’t believe we’re all together. We can totally make this work! Woo!

Lynn Goldsmith / Corbis file Alex Van Halen

Dr. Phil: Now Dave … sit back down please. Now Dave, I don’t think you care if you’re playing with the band or being played by the band. Eddie’s saying one thing, and you’re hearing another. Good Lord, son, if your brain was a buffet, we’d all be starving.

Eddie: Heh.

Dr. Phil: Now Eddie, is there anything you’d like to say to Dave?

Eddie: Man, you’re just all ego. You act like you ARE Van Halen.

David: Showmanship! Dude, I’m just givin’ the people what they want. Whoa-eeee!

Dr. Phil: Now, see, this is interesting. Ultimately it’s all about giving the fans what they want. But if what the fans want isn’t the same thing that the band wants, you’ve got to compromise.

David: Compromising! Weeooweeoo!

Dr. Phil: Son, I asked you to sit down. When they were passing out brains, you were in line for more spandex pants, weren’t ya’?

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