This just in: Hilton a hard habit to break

Also, thinking of AP as a man serves a useful purpose. Because if AP were, say, a 45-year-old woman, intelligent, highly ambitious, a little frumpy but not to the point where it works against her in job interviews, with a traditional view of what constitutes news, Paris Hilton would only move on the wire if it was determined that she had killed Anna Nicole Smith. Other than that, the subject of Paris Hilton would be left to the hedonistic devices of the many gossip Web sites and the network television entertainment shows that specialize in presenting the exploits of the truly unimportant to the insanely bored.

In this situation, AP the guy got himself into trouble because he was easily led astray. Other news organizations were paying close attention to Paris Hilton, so AP decided he too would gush. The trouble is, of course, that Paris Hilton the news item isn’t some babe at a swanky nightclub attracting the drooling attention of a gaggle of libidinous men, even though Paris Hilton the human is. She’s a creation of the modern media, a vapid exercise in journalistic excess. Compared to her, Britney Spears is Henry Kissinger.

The AP’s ban was a cry for help. He needed somebody to save himself from himself. He needed Paris Hilton rehab.

He was part of the problem in creating this monster, and now he desperately wanted to escape its clutches. But like Ray Milland’s character in “The Lost Weekend,” looking pathetically up at the ceiling to discover a bottle of cheap hooch he stashed away inside a light fixture, AP realized he couldn’t live without. His blood-Paris content is almost three times the legal limit. Any attempt at going cold turkey is fruitless. So the ban was rescinded.

Slideshow   Ooo la la! It’s Paris! The highs and lows of trés jolie media darling Paris Hilton’s life. more photos

Perhaps like myself, AP was let down early on by his journalism professors. He needed a more precise definition of what news is, but he apparently received the same inscrutable expression and cryptic explanation in response. So he set out to discover the answer for himself, and as a result here he is, groveling at the feet of a hotel heiress as she skips past the velvet ropes and onto the red carpet.

If only AP’s friends could pull him aside, stage an intervention and tell him how silly he looks. Yet sadly, AP only has two friends, and they’re both bartenders, working different shifts.

The sudden abandoning of the Paris Hilton moratorium means Paris in the springtime, Paris in the fall, Paris throughout the hot, steamy summer, and Paris in the winter, all bundled up in fur. If she breaks a heel, AP will move a bulletin. If another randy video emerges, AP will cull from world reaction and bring us a second lead write-through, with quotes.

AP’s reporters and editors are the offensive linemen of journalism. And right now, they can’t get up.

Michael Ventre lives in Los Angeles and is a regular contributor to MSNBC.com.

MORE FROM CELEBRITIES

Celebrities Section Front

Pair allegedly tried to extort John Stamos Burglary reported at Nicky Hilton’s home Autopsy: Overdose killed Springsteen’s cousin Travis Barker settles suit over plane crash Uma Thurman calls off engagement Elton John to support boy he can’t adopt USO feeds troops starved for entertainment Taking mementos into battle Alexa Ray Joel reportedly feeling better Access Hollywood section Celebrities Section Front   Add Celebrities headlines to your news reader: