Oscars: Even more bloated than ‘Idol’

9:03 pm
Abigail Breslin and Will Smith’s kid with the incredibly long name present for Best Animated Short. Get it? Because they’re animated? And they’re short?

Winner, read by Abigail Breslin because she can actually read, is...

“The Danish Poet.”

The winner is very happy.

And they keep the kids on stage to give the award for Best Live Action Short. One of them has some guys making out in it, from the looks of it. The one about the singing/dancing Jews and Palestinians wins!

9:08 pm
Commercials are happening. While they are happening I want to say that I love the practice of cutting to random celebrities while nobodies win awards for best short this or that. Like just now they cut to Gwyneth Paltrow while somebody Not Famous won and you could see the “I don’t care about you” look on her face...

9:18 pm
I’m really into the Salute to Sound Effects choir. I want these people to be the ones who interrupt the winners who go long, like with thundering hooves and the sound of bees buzzing. Beyoncé likes it too, says the cutaway. And I like Beyoncé’s dress, all covered in Green Giant peas and beans and grapes.

Now the award for Sound Editing, presented by Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell. And the “Pirates of the Caribbean” shut-out starts here. They’re boring, of course. But I’d rather hear them talk for an hour than listen to the voiceover woman who gives out the pop-up video factoids as people walk down the aisle. The sound effects guy’s dad survived Iwo Jima. I’m glad about that, but...

Oh, now here’s Jessica Biel and the guy from “Narnia.” More sound awards I think. Jessica Biel can’t believe she’s here. Yes, Sound Mixing. “Dreamgirls” wins. Cut to Jennifer Hudson, who wants to jump out of her seat everytime someone says that movie’s title.

9:25 pm
Rachel Weisz is here to tell you about the trials of each of these brave, brave best supporting actor nominees. Djimon Hounsou spent weeks under the hot sun in Africa. Eddie Murphy didn’t wear latex! He actually overdosed! Jackie Earle Haley actually castrated himself.

How these men even made it here alive is a testament to their integrity.

Alan Arkin wins. As he walks to the podium, the camera pans past Beyoncé and you CAN SEE RIGHT UP HER DRESS! WHOO HOO! Then he reads The Gettysburg Address.

9:35 pm
Things no one in this particular house cares about:

1. The dancers making shapes of things.

2. Randy Newman. And now, by extension, James Taylor. But minus Randy Newman we all agree that James Taylor is awesome. Okay, wait, now we’re all arguing about who is boring and who is rad. And it’s a draw.

3. Melissa Etheridge and PSA song about the environment. My friend Dennis just told me that he saw Etheridge in concert this past summer and she was lobbying Academy voters in the audience even then, like, “Provided the world doesn’t flood before February of ’07, I would like an Oscar.”

9:40 pm
Al Gore and Leo!

Leo wants to know if Al has something to announce.

Al says, “Yes, I want to announce that my face is huge.” Okay, just kidding. He announces that he is grateful to Hollywood. Jerry Seinfeld is making a freaky face in the audience.

Well played, camera operators. Now Leo is talking about how the show is now “green” and everyone is applauding how incredible they all are for minimizing this year’s show’s methane emissions.

9:45 pm
My friend at the nudist party hasn’t phoned, hasn’t IM’d, nothing. My naked friends are completely unreliable. I have to know what the nude people think about this amazing green show! They’re so selfish, those nudists.

Cameron Diaz is here, presenting for Best Animated Feature. The winner is “Happy Feet,” the weirdest animated film of the year definitely. But it wasn’t as cool as “Monster House.”

And now Oscar-winning screenwriter Ben Affleck (yeah, he does, remember?) presents a montage tribute to writers, from writer-director Nancy Meyers, who writes awful, awful movies. So that’s appropriate.

9:55 pm
Tom Hanks and Helen Mirren present for Best Adapted Screenplay. God I hope “Borat” wins. It must. Or there’s no sense in going on with life...

“The Departed” wins. Whatever. Man, Crispin Glover has really let himself go...

Writer makes speech, speech, speech... Jack Nicholson is asleep, Peter O’Toole can’t figure out why all these people are talking...

10:10 pm
It has just been announced, for no good reason, from one gay in the room with me, “I LOVE ANNE HATHAWAY!”

Heroic feats of modeling are taking place as living costume dioramas are brought out on stage. And “Marie Antoinette” just won! I loved that movie. Almost no else did. Oh look, I had no idea that Georges Sand was also a costume designer. And still alive.

It would be funny if all the models from losing movies stomped off the stage or started fighting.

OK, next it’s Crazy in 3... 2... 1...

Crazy is here. Tom Cruise is presenting the humanitarian award to Sherry Lansing, rolling off a list of selfless acts committed by the woman. But why does everything Tom Cruise says sound like a lie? He could be reciting the Periodic Table and you’d think he was making it all up. But apparently Sherry Lansing is the new Mother Teresa. My friend Dennis, in the midst of the litany of her amazing accomplishments, says, “What’s going on with her lips?”

Lansing emerges in a whoosh of gorgeous dress and bones. I know one humanitarian who hasn’t eaten in three weeks.

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