Oscars: Even more bloated than ‘Idol’

I live in Los Angeles and trust me, you don’t want to be here for this. The traffic is a nightmare, even on the little side streets. You’re better off being far away from it all. To that end, I’m happily in the San Fernando Valley on a friends’ big soft couch and there is some amazing shepherd’s pie and chicken casserole in the oven as I write this.

It’s the only thing I can really focus on right now because all they have on E!’s  red carpet coverage right now are the loser we-screwed-up-and-showed-up-first celebrities. For the record, that would be James McAvoy (the goat-man or whatever he was in “Narnia”) and then Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Maggie is presenting, but seriously, why is she there so early? OK, that’s all I have to say until the show starts...

8:13 pm ET
You know, I thought they were going to start this show right on time but ABC thinks they’re going to be as crazy as Ryan Seacrest showing everyone his underwear on E! And yes, he totally did that. Classing things up is just his job.

8:22 pm
Andre Leon Talley is the greatest red carpet host ever. All he wants is to talk about and love clothes. Right now he’s gushing about Cate Blanchett’s history of belt-wearing.

This is much more interesting than anything Ryan Seacrest has said in the last 120 minutes.

And that purple jacket is knocking me off my chair.

I just got an instant message from a friend who’s watching this show at a nudist party. I want to know if the naked people care about the outfits as much as I do. Probably not.

8:24 pm

Slide show   Here’s to the winners Mirren, Whitaker, Scorsese among those bringing home Oscars. more photos

Kate Winslet is mere steps away from Beard Papa, the awesome Japanese cream puff chain of shops. They have one at the Hollywood and Highland complex where the Kodak Theater is. That’s where the “American Idol” finale goes down too. Dang, I want one of those cream puffs now. I have no idea what Kate Winslet just said...

8:28 pm
Okay it's over, that boring red carpet crud. On to the show. I'm going to miss you, Andre Leon Talley.

8:30 pm
It starts with a clip show of nominees being “natural” and “off the cuff” and, of course, the tech people are the coolest ones. The stars aren’t used to being human beings anymore.

Philip Glass says nothing: he’s minimalist!

8:40 pm
Ellen looks cool. I like that velvet tux. She looks like a magician. 

Slide show   Red-carpet glamour One-shoulder gowns and light colors dominated the Oscar-night fashion choices.

I want her to start pulling out rabbits, pouring milk into her fist, sawing Portia in half. That would be fun. She’s saying funny stuff, which is her job of course, so it’s good that she’s doing her job. Seriously, though, nice outfit.

Now she’s introducing the nominees, the youngest and the oldest, Abigail Breslin and Peter O’Toole. She points out Jennifer Hudson, who has taken off the metallic crisping envelope she wore to the show. I hope you got a chance to see it on the red carpet. It was like if Labelle were being slow-roasted to golden brown goodness on the outside and moist and flavorful inside.

Ellen says if there were no blacks, Jews and gays there would be no Oscars. Cameras cut to some blacks, Jews and gays. Someone hands Ellen a tamborine and suddenly a gospel choir is making things awesome. I want a choir to follow me around all the time...

8:47 pm

‘Departed’  isn't Scorsese’s best Vote: Rate the Oscars fashions Mirren to have tea with the Queen? WP: 'Last King' sparks pride in Uganda WP: Oscars a bore and a horror Scorsese, ‘Departed’ seize Oscars Gore, Whitaker give best Oscar speeches Best moments weren’t in the script

Time for the first award. Mutually gorgeous people Daniel Craig and Nicole Kidman are presenting for something. I have no idea what. I can’t stop looking at both of them. Nicole looks like the coolest Christmas present ever. Oh, awesome,  “Pan’s Labyrinth” just won for Art Direction. Now I know what the award is for. It took me a second to catch up…

8:55 pm
Will Ferrell is singing! So is Jack Black!

Cut to Peter O’Toole, who has no idea who these cats are, even though they just called him out from the stage. Oh good, John C. Reilly has made it a trio of decent. And now that they’re done singing, it’s time to give “Pan’s Labyrinth” the makeup award...

And I was right. I’m amazing at predicting EVERYTHING.

So now the score is Mexico: 2, America: 0

MORE FROM 2007 ACADEMY AWARDS

‘Departed’  isn't Scorsese’s best

‘Departed’  isn't Scorsese’s best Vote: Rate the Oscars fashions Mirren to have tea with the Queen? WP: 'Last King' sparks pride in Uganda WP: Oscars a bore and a horror Scorsese, ‘Departed’ seize Oscars Gore, Whitaker give best Oscar speeches Best moments weren’t in the script At VF Oscar bash, stargazing gets old Stars don't play it safe on red carpet   Add 2007 Academy Awards headlines to your news reader: