Fear of commitment? It’s now a women’s thing

You're so not alone
As millions of single women stand on the threshold of commitment, struggling with their fears as they try to decide whether to get married, cohabit, or break up, many of them wonder:

• Is this normal?
• Why am I feeling so anxious?
• Am I the only one who feels this way?

The answers to these questions are simple: (1) Yes, it's normal. (2) Because commitment is scary. (3) And no, you're not alone.

The Census Bureau reports that single women are the fastest-growing segment of the American population, with more than 47 million in this country, 22 million of whom fall within the 25-to-44 age range. Many of these women are right now struggling with commitment anxiety.

While it's becoming clear that women have immense anxiety about commitment and are pushing back marriage later every year, there is almost no information about our ambivalence. As a result, many of us feel completely alone when in fact there are millions of others just like us. The most important thing to realize is that you're not alone. Not even close!

CPs around the world
If you thought American women had major commitment issues, you'd be surprised to find that your girlfriends around the globe are just as stumped. Here's how some other countries stack up in the commitment department.

United States: The number of women living alone has increased more than 33 percent in the past fifteen years to 30 million, and the marriage rate in 2004 has declined nearly 50 percent since 1970, from 76.5 marriages per 1,000 unmarried women to 39.9 (State of Our Union, National Marriage Project).

Japan: The number of unmarried Japanese women ages 25 to 34 is skyrocketing, so much so that the government is enacting policies to ensure the continuation of the population. How apocalyptic! What used to be a very family-centric culture has quickly become single-minded, with a bestseller about life as a thirty-something single female, titled Howl of the Loser Dogs, flying off the shelves and Boyfriend Pillows (headrests shaped like a man's arm) selling out as quickly as they're made.

Brits: When it comes to our friends across the pond, they're taking commitment-phobia to a whole new level. With the average age of women getting married now at 32 years (Office of National Statistics, 2001), there's a reason why singleton Bridget Jones was invented here. And with a new National Singles Week holiday to call their very own, it's unlikely that the trend will reverse anytime soon.

Aussies: Australia's marriage rate is the lowest it has been in a hundred years. Nearly a third of all Australian women from 30 to 34 are single. And this from the people who brought us Muriel's Wedding?

Not your mother's problem
Female commitment-phobia is a relatively new phenomenon. Not to say that our mothers didn't struggle with a certain amount of anxiety, because they did, and many still do. But when it came to 'fessing up to their commitment issues, the old-girl network never stood a chance. Back then, the idea of an unmarried girl on the loose was just plain unheard of. In fact, they had another, not-so-flattering name for that type of girl.

When it came right down to it, there just wasn't any room for ambiguity or indecision. Like it or not, a woman had to maintain a certain measure of semi-respectability. Translation: get married and have kids, pronto! Those who struggled with committing usually stayed silent, sucked it up, and went through with it despite their misgivings. Our mothers just didn't have the wherewithal to defy these expectations (ever see those pouty bride photos from the old days?). Besides those awful cone-shaped bras, there was a good reason why so many of them looked so peevish.

Of course, there were a few rare exceptions. Not everyone walked gently into that good night of matrimonial bliss. There were the brazen sex-kitten screen stars such as Mae West, fiercely independent actresses like Katharine Hepburn, and unrepentant serial wedders Elizabeth Taylor and Hedy Lamarr. These feisty femmes were around kicking up a storm the whole time, but no one really noticed or cared to think about the matter much. After all, they were famous, and certain allowances had to be made for Hollywood types.

But that was then. And now? Well, we have a much bigger problem on our hands. We're still confronted with a barrage of social pressure to settle down and commit, but it's not like anyone really cares what we do anymore (save for dear old Grammy and De Beers, of course). These days women are free to choose rather than just be influenced by social pressure. We have more opportunities than ever before. We can get married, get divorced, travel the world, run a Fortune 500 company, play the field, cohabit, have kids, adopt puppies, all of the above, or none of it. It's really anyone's call.

Excerpted from “Kiss and Run” by Elina Furman. Copyright © 2007 by Elina Furman. All rights reserved. Published by Simon and Schuster. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.

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