Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

In 2001, we (three brothers) were facing the tough decision that caregivers face, “what are we going to do with Mom?” My younger brother and I decided to install a computer system with a webcam for our mom - who, by the way, had no computer experience - so we could videoconference with her. We were just doing what we knew how to do. My younger brother is a networking specialist for Cisco Systems and I was a systems engineer with IBM. The system we developed literally exceeded our expectations! I would call and have coffee with her almost every morning. The system gave her something to look forward to every day: one or two of her boys were going to visit, albeit electronically. The system enhanced our mother’s quality of life and our lives as caregivers. It allowed us to keep her connected to family and enabled us, even with her Alzheimer’s, to keep her independent and on the farm for the next 2 ½ years. In 2004, our mom developed cancer and passed away, but with the distance caregiving technology, we were able to keep her independent and on the farm up until the last 60 days of her life. Now, this is not the end of the story ... it is just the beginning!

Everyone kept telling us what a great idea, so I put together some proposals to fund the research and development of this “distance caregiving technology” idea. To date, we have received grants for over $1 million, primarily from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and the Oklahoma Center for Advancement of Science and Technology (OCAST). The distance caregiving technology, now called AttentiveCare, has been developed to the point where other distance caregivers are integrating it into their intervention care strategies ... and our personal caregiving story is just being repeated ... over and over! See caregiver testimonial link:  http://www.caregivertech.com/testimonials.php

I am not sure what is in store for the next chapter of the story, but being a caregiver changed my life. Now, caregiving is my life ... and I can’t think of anything that I would rather be doing than helping other caregivers experience what it we experienced ... and technology can help! It has been a fun and very gratifying journey!
--Ken Nixon, Oklahoma City

Submitted by Trudy Mandeville Crowshaw Mom and Dad - age 90 - still very devoted to each - my role models on Valentine's Day!

I had the joy to be one of the primary caregivers for my parents during the last years of their life – my opportunity to give back to them – although I don’t think that it will ever be possible to repay them for all that they have given me. Because you see, they chose to take care of me. I was a foster child – a personal placement for family friends. They shared in my upbringing and care with my biological family - without taking any money. They loved me – without question or reservation – something that I don’t believe many people can boast. It was never an issue that I wasn’t their biological or legally their child. My father would say that I was the “last of the Mohegan’s”. They were also my role models, particularly my dad. We took many trips to the emergency room during the last few years – something that many of us who share care of elderly parents certainly understand. During one visit, a nursing assistant came to us and said that he wanted to be the one to care for my dad. He was a retired fireman – like my dad. My dad had been his lieutenant and he told me – something I already knew – but was grateful to hear from someone outside the family – this man was the kindest, gentlest man that he had ever known and it was a pleasure to have him as boss. When my dad died on Mother’s Day in 1997, people from all of the nursing home stopped in to say goodbye. The last visitor was a male nursing assistant. It was a change of shift and he had just finished work. When I looked up, he was standing in the door crying. Wiping his eyes, he asked if he could give my father his last bath. He said my father was a true gentleman and he considered a blessing to know him. He certainly was a gentle man. A hero to me, quiet and unassuming and a hero to so many others – especially to my mother. We were all blessed for knowing him. And I can think of no better way than to share my favorite picture of my parents with the world on this Valentine’s Day. This was the last wedding anniversary together, a special event at the nursing home, celebrating 65 years of marriage. --Trudy Mandeville Crowshaw, Burrillville, RI (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

Submitted by Denise Bean My father and I on his 86th birthday.....all he wanted was beer and some steamers.....

Mom and Dad lived and worked the American dream - work hard, raise two kids, retire from the cold New York winters to Florida. Life was grand...a couple of years into their retirement, my husband and I moved to Florida and now we were only separated by a 4.5 hour car drive rather than a 22 hour car drive..what else could you ask for? Then an unwelcomed guest arrived and has not left - Alzheimer’s. The disease attacked my mom and turned their dream into a nightmare. A few years ago they gave up their lovely condo and moved in with us. They no longer travel, visit friends and family nor dine out. Their visitors consist of the daily home health care provider that gives dad a few hours of "me time" each week day. Mom doesn't know the difference and dad is truly a saint. On Valentine's Day he gives new meaning to the words "till death do us part". There is a definitely an up side to all of this...I have realized what a remarkable man my husband is for volunteering to take on this responsibility, my dad has given us an invaluable lesson on what a marriage is, and we have the privilege of mom and dad's company till they move on to their next "home". Their company provides lessons to be learned that no website or magazine can provide...the lesson of true love, on Valentine's Day. --Ann Politano, Clearwater, FL (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

On May 23, I lost my father, Moe Plaksin, who was also my best friend. The loss was humongous to my brother, me, also to my father's many friends. Daddy was 89 going on 60. The son of Russian immigrants, Moe was a kind gentleman whose philosophy on life was to treat others as he would like to be treated. He would greet everyone with a cheerful "How do?" as his hazel eyes sparkled. He led a quiet life. A World War II veteran, he was a salesman for Julius Wile & Sons, which gave him time left over for golf - the love of his life. Golf started when he was 11 years old. As a 50-year member of Midvale Country Club, Penfield, N.Y., he was honored for twice shooting his ages, 76 and 78, the only member to have done so. His last two years of life, when his health began to decline, his strength of character and sense of humor remained with him. The last three months of his life were not easy, however his "How do?" greeting was still there. Thank God for hospice during his last few days.  Also thank God for me being with him as he passed. Death came quickly and peacefully. Thank you Dad, for all the intangibles you gave me- love, a sense of values, and loyalty. As your caregiver, I received courage from you. I'll love forever- you are my sunshine. My Dad was twice married and twice widowed. My Mom passed at age 50, caused by what was determined as sudden death. Daddy remarried 10 years later. His second wife passed from pancreatic cancer. I was my Dad's health care agent, his wishes for when the time came were explicit for when there was no possibility of quality of life. Carrying out his wishes was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life.
--Toni Mitchell, Rochester, N.Y.

Submitted by Deah Pickett Dad after a split at our imaginary casion...

My name is Deah Pickett and I live in Northern California. I am a single parent of two angelic daughters, and a full time care giver to my Father, a decorated WW2 vet. I also had the privilege of taking care of my beloved Mother until unfortunate circumstances led us to place her. Sadly, a year after her admittance into a nursing home, she was neglected and passed without any loved ones by her side. With the truth on my side and an amazing law firm, we prevailed at holding the facility accountable for their lack of care to our mother. Taking care of Dad on a daily basis, my twin brother and I vow to keep our precious Father at home, perhaps honoring our Mother, while protecting Dad. I have worked in the medical field for over 20 years so my task with Dad come easy. It is the daily conflicts that come with being a single parent, the anger felt at siblings who judge without offering assistance, and the never ending nights of feeling like I am taking on the world at a very slow and lonely pace. I am saddened by the attitudes of administrators who claim that C.N.A.'s are a dime a dozen. That most nursing home patients are neglected simply due to a lack of staff. Wages are slightly above minimum wage for C.N.A. and their work is often thank-less. Dad and I share a special bond these days, he is my hero and I am his. When I cannot be there because of having to care for my minor children, my brother is there...I know my brother would rather be elsewhere but I also know my brother is committed to the care of our Father. Dad seldom likes to venture outside his comfort zone. Trips to the doctor and his barber are his only desires outside of his home. I often read to him, play cards (we have our own imaginary casino) and keep him updated with the latest on the Sacramento Kings. I think it is normal to have fears yet I tell myself to be strong and remain a positive example to my children, although they often see my tears shed for Mom. Guilt is a powerful emotion and most likely a part of keeping Dad safe at home. There are also precious memories. Our trip to Piedmont, Ca. in January 2006 so that he could attend his induction into his High School's sports hall of fame, having the distinct pleasure of meeting Clint Eastwood that same evening, and stopping for mocha's at 2 am as we drove back home. A long day for a man who was 81 at the time and mostly confined to a wheel chair. Finances are always a struggle, insurance rules difficult to decipher, meal preparation when TV dinners become boring, medications boxes filled weekly, supplies in endless need, regular household chores to be completed for two households, single parenting, and the tragedies of house fires, cancer, divorces, and sudden death...Perhaps too much for one human being to endure, but handled nevertheless because of a simple truth...The love and admiration for my Father, my beloved Mother, and my darling daughters. It is for them, that I continue this path until I am led elsewhere --Deah Pickett, Chico, CA (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

Submitted by p_kimmich@yahoo.com Paula Kimmich My Mom and Dad on their 63rd wedding anniversary.

My sister and I have tried to gently put my parents in an assisted living situation, but they are fiercely independant. They continue to live in their home with frequent visits from our brother who keeps a eye on them. I dread the day I get a call from my brother on whatever may happen in the future. The visits from him, or knowing that he is in town, is enough to make them happy, even though no one is there to make certain that medications are taken in the correct amount, etc. They are both in their mid 80's, so why not let them live life the way they want?? They live in Texas, my sister is in Florida, and I am in Nevada. Our hearts break to be this far away from them. --Paula Kimmich, Reno, NV (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

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