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Submitted by Gayla Stout Arvel August Phifer-"Pop" In front of the ashtray he made from a USS Wisconsin 5 inch shell casing shot off the coast of Okinawa on Easter Sunday 1945.
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I am excited to see you share your own personal stories of caring for elderly family members. I too am helping my parents who are now responsible for my 95 year old Grandfather, Arvel August Phifer, and his care. "Pop" as everyone calls him is the oldest living veteran on record who served aboard the USS Wisconsin Battleship in World War II. He was married to my Grandmother for over 73 years and she passed away on Christmas Eve 2004. He never was able to go back to his own home after her passing. After several months of trying to care for Pop in their own home, my parents realized they could not give him the kind of care he needed. We found a wonderful assisted living, private care home nearby and what a Godsend they have been. Pop is active and enjoys his friends and family.
Pop entered the service when he was 36 years old which was rare. He was "Pop" on the USS Wisconsin to many of the 'youngsters' he served alongside in World War II. Pop couldn't tell you what he had for breakfast but he remembers vivid details of life on his precious battleship. He even donated many artifacts to the Maritime Museum in Norfolk, VA where the USS Wisconsin is docked for public display. "She's a Grand Old Baby" Pop says with a big smile!!! --Gayla Stout, Ashland, VA
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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My mother lived with my husband and me for the last 10 years of her life. It was a challenge for us and her. She was used to caring for herself and doing things for herself. Sometimes, there was the expected strain of two women living in the same house and each did things differently. Until the last 18 months of her life, she kept my house, did laundry, and was there for our youngest son when he came home from school. I cannot tell you what a tremendous help this was for me; and she felt (and was!) needed. Only another woman will understand how if felt to come home from work and actually be able to rest before starting dinner or spend time with her child and spouse. Living with us also gave my mother financial independence. As long as she was able, she'd visit her other children (which gave us and her a break) and she didn't have to worry about bills, etc. while she was away. It also gave her the opportunity to spend quality time with a brother and a sister who died before she did. It was just a blessing to us all. I still miss her everyday. --Daphne White, Horn Lake, MS
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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Submitted by Karen Castevens My Grandmother Martha Goins and her youngest son Doug several years ago.
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My mother Mary Easter and some of her siblings care for my grandmother Martha Goins, who is in her late 80's each day. She goes over and bathes her and helps her with daily chores. My own mother Mary who is sick can't hardly take care of herself, but she still manages to go over and take care of her. Some of her siblings are also sick that help her out. They don't want her to be put into a home, nor do they want anyone outside of the family to take care of her. It has been a great time of bonding for them all. They come together and do what has to be done for her. They love her, and that is all that counts...Right?? --Karen Castevens, Mount Airy, NC
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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The emotion that was forthcoming as I watched the Trading Places segments was, I am sorry to admit, one of envy. While I am delighted to know that some of the elderly parents are doing so well, I don't believe that this is the majority experience for the working Baby Boomers. My husband and cared for my mother in our home for almost five years until I came home from work, found her on the floor after suffering a stroke and was given (after several days of hospitalization) three days to find an appropriate nursing home for her. The doctors gave me no option but to place my 86 year old mother in a nursing home 7 years ago. At 93, she is very frail but can walk with a walker. I visit her every day on my lunch hour to not only check on her, pick up her laundry and visit briefly but, most importantly, to be sure the staff is doing their job. Over the years, I have learned that the CNA's are the "front line" as caregivers. This is an unfortunate system as they have the least training and are poorly paid not to mention my greatest frustration - many seem devoid of common sense! I have never witnessed any mistreatment of any of the residents and I am so grateful for that but it is so sad as my mother is unable to participate in her own care/safety due to dementia and her frail condition. But, as is often the case, somewhere in her mind, she still believes that she can do certain things and will try to act on them. In the 7 years she's been there, this has resulted in a broken hip, several surgeries, a broken leg and collar bone. The only way a 93 year old person with dementia can be safe is with a 24 hour watch (which is impossible).
I am also delighted that Big Russ and Brian Williams' father are doing so well but my mother has outlived all her friends and almost all of her family so my husband and I (both working fulltime at 59 and 68) are my mother's only hope. Although it sounds horribly cynical, I do believe based on my experience that being able to afford extra help makes all the difference in the lives of elderly people. My mother was a smart, frugal woman all of her life and her reward was that every penny of her hard earned money has been paid to the nursing home. My sister who lives out of town and I have supplemented my mother's expenses to allow her to remain in a private room. Although my sister and I should be saving every penny for our own retirement, we have made the choice to try to make my mother's life as pleasant and dignified as possible. My mother enjoys solitary activities - tv and "big print" books (while not remembering any of this) - and would be so distraught to have to live with a stranager. The segment of the population that I am concerned about are the "sandwich generation" - those women who are not only dealing with elderly parents but also have children in the home. Working full time and taking care of my mother is difficult enough. Not a day goes by when I leave my mother that I don't feel like crying. --alice boss, winston-salem, NC
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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My Mom and I watched the segment from her hospital room. She was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and in the space of a few weeks, has gone from an 81 year old KY spitfire with a boyfirend from Long Island, spending the winter in Florida, where I could rarely reach her by phone as she was always out and about, to lying in a hospital recovering from an infection, and anicipating a permanent move into my condo for the remainder of her life. I have gone from carefree, single sales rep with a home office and tons of free time, to a concerned caregiver juggling a job and the rapidly changing demands of this issue.
Those with no financial resources and no family support haunt me. How many elderly are going thru this alone? The medical community is hardened to this suffering. How many elderly do not have a daughter to sleep on the floor next to the hospital bed to make certain the patients needs are attended to? --BJ Robinson, Ft Mitchell, KY
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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Brian, I'm also going through the trials and tribulations of taking care of an aging parent My father died last year unexpectedly. My mother was told she had two weeks to two months to live and that was about 10 weeks ago. She is down to 68 pounds and when she is sleeping, which is quite often, she already looks as if she has passed away.Bathing her is like washing a skeleton and it makes me want to cry. I'm making it sound like my mother is not aware of daily life anymore but on the contrary she watches TV all day long and from time to time will look out the window to watch her beloved deer, birds and squirrels. Fortunately, I have three siblings and we are all helping in some way, shape or form. Dementia has taken enough of a toll on her that we do not believe she really remembers the condition she is in and we have decided not to remind her. It has been devastating on me financially as she lives 600 miles from me so I have to leave my business and I feel I can't take on more business as I never know when I'll be needed. We did have her in assisted living but she wanted to come home so bad and that is where she is,under 24 hour care from some family member or from time to time we have hired in home care for a night or two. All in all it is very draining mentally and physically but I keep thinking of all the love, care and time she gave me. --Robin Noel, Branson, MO
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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Submitted by Patricia Staniszewski a picture of Henrietta Kobylczak
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My mother, Henrietta Kobylczak, is 97 yrs young. She refuses assisted living, bakes bread once a week, does her own laundry, cleans after the cleaning lady leaves, all her own cooking. When we tell her that she shouldn't do something, she purses her lips and does it anyway, --Patricia Staniszewski, Milwaukee, WI
(submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)
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