Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

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FIRSTPERSON

MORE | LEGAL INFORMATION

Aging without children — who provides care?
As baby boomers age, many of them are facing old age without a family to care for them. NBC's Nancy Snyderman reports.

When a parent is dying, every last moment is precious

Video: Buying time for Dad

Hello, My name is Kelly Smith and I'm 36 years old and my grandparents fell into hard times four years ago and needed some help. It seemed like no one would step up to the plate so, after talking with my husband about the thought of adding on to are house and taking them in like they did with me 32 years ago was a wounderful feeling of something that I could return to them. It has been a hard road for them and are family. We all have learned that family is the most important thing that will keep on giving and taking but is well worth it. My Grandma is 86 years old and when she moved in she was ill and in the hospital, when she recoved she is active in some lodges and attends the Sn. Center to have lunch and to play cards with other people her age. My grandfather has had a tough life in the sevetys he had a terrable accident that sent him to the hospital for about a year, back then that was norm. Then he went to work as a security gard and still his luck was not good this time the accident has made it to were he couldn't go back to work. My grandparent have had it hard but over all still know that they are loved. It isn't allway a bed of roses but the end result is that my teenage boy's will grow up knowing that family is very important and that caring for someone is give and take and that life is that way all of are year here on earth.
--Kelly Smith, Nampa, ID (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

Submitted by Lauri Mitchell
My dad and me, August 2006

My dad is 87, my mom is 83. Three years ago they were living a good life independently in sunny Boca Raton. Then my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's. The stress of her increasing need for care took a toll on both of my parents. After several car accidents, the last of which resulted in totalling their car, we told my dad he needed to give up his driver's license (my mom was no longer driving), and it was clearly time for them to make a move. We found an independent living community (with assisted, Alzheimer's and nursing care available on the campus) in Rockville, MD. These sunbirds migrated back to their home town, out of the warm climate, to be near one of their 3 children, my sister. My brother and I are still 200 and 400 miles away respectively. My Dad is still a very vibrant 87-y.o. He has formed a Couples Club, a Bronx club (he was born there and wanted to meet others with a common heritage), joined a WWII veterans group for weekly breakfasts, and participates in many activities. He is making the best of what he frequently describes as a difficult situation. If not for the emergency response system, medical care, home health agency and physical therapy on the premises, my siblings and I would not have the peace of mind that we now enjoy. These services, plus my sister's ability to make weekly (or more frequent) visits, makes it possible for my parents to live with some remaining degree of independence - and dignity. It is costly, and we children are helping out. Fortunately we can afford it. When I watched Brian and Tim with their dads, it brought tears to my eyes. So many of our generation are adapting to this difficult reversal of roles and trying to do what is best for our parents. No one prepared us for this, there is no road map, and it's not easy. But is sure is comforting to realize how many others are facing these challenges, and see how they are dealing with them. Thank you NBC Nightly News for giving this situation such visibility, with cgreat ompassion and honesty. Lauri Mitchell
--Lauri Mitchell, Chestnut Hill, MA (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

Just 8 months ago I moved my parents back to the Midwest from Lakeland,FL. I basically told them that there 11 year vacation was over. I had been going to visit them about every 5 months to check on them and do repairs and fixups around the house. The health care is so much better here in Omaha and I worried what might happen to them 1500 miles away. being the oldest of 3 boys I took it upon myself to step up and do all I can to help them in their Golden Years. My dad is my hero. He has taught so much thru the years; everything from home repairs to the proper way to turn a screwdriver; to common sense. He had his own hobbyshop at the age of 13 when he was designing and building model control-line airplanes that would fly and perform stunts at over 80mph. In fact, after he won a local fly-in contest, a man from DeBolt models waited til my dad went to collect his trophy to take measurements of my dad's plane. The next year deBolt came out with a plane that actually was my dad's design. He was pretty upset. I still think he should have persued action. Dad has designed model aircraft wings for planes that are too fast for him to fly. He was a draftsman, then a mechanical engineer and then design engineer. he worked on the Viking lander that went to Mars and even worked on early Space Shuttle while at Martin Marietta. It is hard to see your hero grow old and sometimes struggle even to get up out of a chair. he has neuropathy in both legs and cannot feel his feet. He says it feels like he is walking in shoeboxes. It even affects his balance, so I worry about falls, which he has had numerous times; so far without serious injury. He and Mom have both had TIA mini-strokes in the last couple months, and Mom also had emergency gall bladder surgery. Glad I was here to help. Mom also has what I believe is the beginnings of dimentia. She will often ask me the same question or tell me the same story 3 or 4 times during my daily visits. I wonder if she will get Alzheimers and how I will feel when she refers to me as "that nice young man" rather than her son. They have become dependant on my daily visits. I try and stop in each day for coffee or a higball cocktail and see how they are coping with their new environment. They really miss their friends in Florida, but my parents siblings say that I have done the right thing in moving them back. I am their GPS system. I have them call me on their cell and put it on speakerphone, then I talk them to their destination. They still use dialup to get on the internet(use it just for email) and Dad doesn't understand the concept of 'surfing' the web. I have a new respect for those whose job is to be a caregivers to seniors. Although it is stressful and physically draining at times, I find it is also very rewarding being able to give back to the two people who have given me so much for so long. It is the least that I can do, for as long as I am able.
--Mark 'Chuck' Rumsey, Omaha, NE (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

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Submitted by Carol Gowdy
IMGPO104 - My Mother Hazel Thompson and the author, Christmas 2006.

We are very blessed to have a wonderful "special needs" Assisted Living Facility for Alzheimer's Patients in our area. The Mill Creek Alzheimer's Special Care Center in Springfield, IL is one of about 24 such facilities in the country operated by JEA Senior Living. These centers originated in Washington State, begun by a man struggling to find appropriate care for his own mother. When a patient has Alzheimer's Disease, many times a regular Assisted Living Facility or a Nursing Home is not appropriate. In my mother's case, she was in "too good of shape" to be in a nursing home, although she needs around the clock supervision and help with most aspects of daily living. The staff treats each member like family, providing a warm homelike atmosphere, wonderful meals and lots of activities and social times to make the most of an Alzheimer's patient's "Meaningful Moments". Having to admit a loved one with Alzheimer's is especially painful to the family, because most of the time the patient is not a part of the decision, and the family feels guilt at not being able to care for them at home anymore. At monthly support group meetings, we share our feelings of guilt and sadness with not being able to "do it all" anymore. I have learned that Alzheimer's affects each person differently, so that even a family member with previous experience with the disease, may not readily accept that is what is happening to their loved one, often times until the caregiver has physically and emotionally exhausted themselves. In our case, my father tried to care for my mother, but the stress of trying to understand her changing personality and moods took a great toll - he suffered a stroke and they both had to be admitted to a nursing home; he died 6 months later, and she lives on, wondering each day where he went and why he won't come home from work. As our population is getting older, I believe more and more of these facilities will become necessary. Unfortunately, medicare and private insurances do not pay for nursing care for specifically Alzheimer's Disease. When my mother was admitted along with my father, she was strictly "private pay". Fortunately my father had the wisdom to purchase longterm care insurance and he had a good government pension to provide for my mother, so we are among the lucky ones who can afford this type of care - many people can not.
--Carol Gowdy, Edinburg, IL (submitted on Feb. 14, 2007)

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