Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

Stubborn, controlling, aloof, and critical are all words I would use to describe my mom. Her favorite word for herself is stoic. How I learned to hate that word growing up. I was told, when I cried when my grandma died, that it was a sign of weakness; that I should never cry in front of my husband, because men did not like that in a woman. (I've been married to my husband for over 36 years, and he has seen me cry many times.) Our household was a typical household of an alcoholic father; fighting, doors slamming, denial and worst of all withdrawing into ourselves and not having anyone to talk to and to help us. I know my mom at times barely coped. And having two kids made it even harder for her. Five years ago at 78 my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and he quit drinking, two years ago he died. I spent much of those three years in between with my mom and dad helping with his care and just spending time talking and being with them. I realized how important they are to me, and what a great loss it would be had I let the past drive me away as it did my brother. Dad was able to die at home in relative peace. I will always cherish those last years and days with my dad. And mom continues to be stoic. I now realize that one of her biggest fears is to be considered weak. She is now almost 79, lives 100 miles away from me, by herself, and is doing very well. She and I still fight like we did when I was a teenager, but then we laugh, and she calls me moody and too sensitive, and I tell her she is not sensitive enough. Incredibly, we have started a business together. We make and sell doll clothes at shows here in Michigan. It started out as a way to keep her busy while she stayed home with dad. She would make an outfit, and I would sell it on ebay. Well, we got to be pretty good at it, gave our business a name and are starting to develop a reputation among moms and grandmas who buy for their daughters and granddaughters. Most importantly, it has kept my mom active, and we have such a good time together. Mom was so excited when we sold out at our last show. I am having knee replacement surgery this next week, and mom is coming down to help take care of me. I want her to realize how important she is to me and that I need her as much as she needs me. While I will never be stoic, her stoicism helped me grow to be a strong, independent woman. She taught me to sew, to love to read and how to turn on the guilt button full force. Never one to show affection, mom is always startled when my daughters and I tell her we love her and give her a hug. With mom 79, she will not be able to live alone many more years. She knows she is welcome to live with my husband and I but is not ready to talk about it. My husband lost both his parents over 20 years ago and is so good to mom. Mom has only a small inheritance and her social security, but we will make sure she is comfortable and welcome for as long as necessary. --Georjean Knapp, Lansing, MI (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

I am one of four children taking care of my mom who is almost 92 years old.My three brothers are married and live at least two hours plus away and I (never married) live with my mom. She doesn't look, act or even think what a 92 year old would. She still bakes, cooks and travels around with the family when possible. She was an orphan, one of 6 children, as her parents and many family relatives as well died in the 1915 flu epidemic. She is a native New Yorker and had an interesting young life, an ophan, a model for a short time, a telephone operator in the Drake Hotel, etc. Mom has a heart of gold and just wants more and more for her children to be happy and healthy. She suffers from arthritis but continues to look forward to each new day. clnoelle@pb.net (East Rockaway, LI, NY) --Anonymous , East Rockaway, NY (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

Submitted by Pam Rhoades Millie (Rhoades) Ridenour on her 80th birthday

Our family’s story of caring for aging parents began approximately six or seven years ago.  My husband’s step-father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and along with the diagnosis came the progressive change in their lives.  Mom at that time was his primary caregiver.  As the disease continued it started to be apparent that it was not only robbing him of the man he had always been, but was also taking a physical and mental toll on mom.  One thing remained steadfast; as long as she was able to care for him he would not go into a long term care facility.  His care was very time intensive for her and she also had her own health issues.  She had macular degeneration, so did not see well and she had significant hearing loss.  As a family, we did everything we could to make things work as smoothly as possible for them.  We would see that they got to their numerous Dr’s appointments; we took them to get groceries; we took care of any maintenance around their home; my husband took care of the finances.  My sister-in-law researched and then introduced them to a seniors program in the town.  This was a great support for mom.  They would pick her up and deliver her to hair appointments and someone would stay with him.  They would sometimes pick him up and take him to the senior center for lunch.  There came a point when it appeared that mom was being overwhelmed with almost everything.  It was at that time we found that she had terminal cancer.  We were now faced with both having debilitating illnesses.  The parameters now changed.  Mom could no longer be his primary caregiver and we began our search for a quality long term care facility that was close enough to enable frequent visits for them.  We were told that mom had only about six months to live.  Our roles then changed and we soon became full-time caregivers for mom.  It was her wish to remain in her home.  She was able to function independently for a while, but the time came when we not only continued the tasks we had been doing now for three years, but were going to have to provide care 24/7.  We had the support of hospice, but in the area where she lived their time was limited.  We again, as a family worked out a plan where we would alternate days and nights with her and then one or the other would be there every other weekend.  Logistically, this was difficult as none of us lived in the same town.  During this time things sometimes were very intense because of the stress we were all under, but never once did it fracture the relationship between siblings.  We were united in taking care of mom.  We found that although this was a time of sadness it was also a time of blessings. We were privileged to be able to spend time, precious time with her.  We talked about her childhood; we talked about when my husband and his sister were growing up.  She reminisced about when my husband’s dad had left for World War II and then how blessed she was when he returned home safe and sound. She talked about how much she loved her eight grandchildren and her thirteen great-grandchildren.  Two months prior to her death she was well enough to travel to her grandson’s wedding in Florida and she welcomed a new great-grandson and great-granddaughter into the family. The most difficult thing was watching her slip away from us.  What a legacy she left.  She was a wonderful gracious lady who faced her future with courage and strength.  We love her very much and miss her.
-- Pam Rhoades

Submitted by Doreen Dineen 5 generations

This is about my 107 year old grandfather , Ray, who still lives in his own house and is being taken care of by his children, Almeda, 78 (main caregiver), Alice, 71, and my father, Ray Clifford, 81 and daughter-in-law Betty. He is blind and very hard of hearing and moves from his bed to his chair in his living room with assistance. His mind is still with him. His children visit several times a day to fix his meals and read parts of the newspaper to him and put him to bed. He listens to the news at night and only likes non-fiction tapes. He will be 108 in April. Almeda lost her husband last year, Alice is a survivor of breast cancer and her husband recently had extensive heart surgery. Dad had his knee replaced 2 years ago. Grandpa lost another son several years ago. I never hear complaints from any of his caregivers, (my aunts and father). I wish I had a picture of all of them together around grandpa, but all I have is a 5 generation picture of my family with grandpa taken at Thanksgiving. We all love and admire him. --Doreen Dineen, Freeville, NY (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

Submitted by Kathleen Weber Loretta Ellison Skowronek surrounded by her five children at her 80th Birthday celebration in 2004.

My 82 year old mother is very active and has always stated her wish to advoid being a 'burden' to any of her five children. Being the eldest of her children, and the only one who lives in the same city, she and I began having open conversations about her wishes for her future about five years ago. I suggested we talk about what she wanted while she was healthy and able to make choices that were not based any immediate need. This has taken some of the emotion out of the conversation since she was able to look at options more objectively. She and I visited all of the assited living facilities in our community to get a sense of what she felt would best meet her needs. As we discussed - if and when she requires this type of living arrangement I need to feel secure that I know what she wants since at that point she would be less able to make that decision on her own. After visiting the beautiful facilities it was clear she wasn't ready for assisted living. Instead, she has purchased a small villa home which is all on one floor and has snow removal and lawn care included which has cut down on the amount of responsibility required to remain independent. In her current home, we can bring in many services to help her maintain her independence and dignity. That is our shared goal. Yes, there are many extras that need to be accomplished to assist her in her latest environment but what a privilege to be asked an opinion on her latest project. In the last 3 years she has completely redecorated the villa and established a beautiful perrenial garden. Her new surroundings has energized her beyond belief. One of her concerns has always been the financial requirements needed for her final years. Once she understood that a home where she could 'age in place' was an investment which could be sold, if necessary, to provide a different type of living arrangement she was able to part with some of her retirement savings to provide for her own benefit. It's important that she see those savings as something she deserves to enjoy. When I accompany her on a shopping trip I have often said to a sales person "I'm helping her spend my inheritance". My goal for my mom is that she spend the rest of her years in an environment of her choice surrounded by services which meet her needs but retain her dignity and independence. The key to this goal is that it is a shared goal. --Kathleen Weber, SYLVANIA, OH (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

When my 91 year-old father agreed to move in with my family (of six), I knew there would be challenges and joys that I couldn't have anticipated. In the main, it has been "workable" with pragmatic adjustments to the reality of an ongoing houseguest. I admire my wife's ability to sustain her open mindedness in the face of our new family dynamics. Kari and I have presented this to the children (ages 7 -16) as a family mission, a challenge to live our faith and "walk the talk". A special monent occurred on New Year's day this year when the phone rang. It was my father's 93 year old brother Al, (who lives independently with his wife Theresa) calling to wish his "little brother" a Happy New Year. The statistical improbability of that occurrance made me smile and realize what a unique experience we are living. My father Harold, is amazingly sharp for his age, drives his own car and gets out to see friends and attend community events. He is treasured in his community for his knowledge, patience, grace and wisdom. Thank you for your series on this area of American life. It has brought encouragement to those of us who are "trying to do the right thing". --Kurt Schreck, Lake City, MN (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

In 1996, one year after my dad passed away, Mom (82) and I sold our houses and bought one together. Mom was in good health, walking two miles a day, bowling, helping cook meals at church for Mens' Club, volunteering at the Alzheimer's Association, and playing Bridge. Now at 93 Mom wears braces on her lower legs and must use a walker. She has macular degeneration, but is able to read large print books. She is in charge of the prayer chain and obtaining greeters at church. She can no longer live alone and I am privileged to be able to care for her and help her when she needs it so she can live in our home and not have to live in a facility. She is still mentally alert, sometimes remembering things I have forgotten. At night when I put her to bed I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me and is so glad she has me to take care of her. She loves to get out and go places. We either take her walker or wheelchair. In the summer we attend the huge outdoor theater in St. Louis. Mom is so easy to get along with and never complains about anything. We suffered two power outages in 2006 and Mom was able to go with the flow. She is a wonderful woman and everyone loves her. I'm so lucky to have her.
-- Jeannie in Ferguson, Mo.

Submitted by Kay Cotton photo of Mom and Dad on 12/25/06

Your series this week on Trading Places has been wonderful. My sister and I are blessed to have both our parents living and until recently both in very good health. My Dad will be 95 in March and Mom will be 92 in June. In July they will celebrate their 72nd wedding anniversary. Although they have lived independently for 6 months at their home in NYS and for 6 months at their condo in Florida, they are now staying with my sister in Maryland as my Dad has undergone two cancer surgeries since 12/26/06 and prepares for additional treatment. My sister who is retired has been phenomenal in coordinating everything and caring for them at her home. As a child, she said she never even wanted to “play nurse” but she sure has stepped up to the plate in handling their care. Being in New York State and working full-time has made it difficult for me to see them but I speak with them several times a day and have seen them twice. We are both so grateful for the love and friendship they have shared with us for so many years and I doubt I will ever be able to truly make my sister understand how much I appreciate what she has done for Mom and Dad. --Kay Cotton, Rochester, NY (submitted on Feb. 15, 2007)

Submitted by Anonymous Mom with 1st great grandchhild

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