Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

There is no sadness here really... My mom will be 85 in May. She was born in France and lived through WW II. Her mother died during the war due to cancer, her father was a member of the French Resistance and imprisioned at Buchenwald. He was liberated but died two years later-on her one year wedding anniversary to my dad- an American GI. Her brother was killed in Indochina that same year ('47)- he had joined the French Army in 1945 at the age of 17 to fight Germans. She had two kids- me and my sister. Our father left our family and our nice comfortable middle class life vanished overnight. Mom would find a job, and a home for us (a small trailer) and finished raising us. She would become a local businesswoman, and survived breast cancer and a second husband. I joined the Marine Corps at the age of 17- and she did not stand in my way, signing for me to enlist, despite her misgivings and guilt over the death of her brother, whom she had also signed for to enlist. Her father was still in Buchenwald at that time. I returned home a 19 year old Sgt. from Vietnam in 1970 and went on to college. I would go on to medical school and now live and practice in Southern CA as a physician. My sister works as a medical social worker in Florence, Oregon- and also quite involved in the local Boy Scouts. This year, for her work in the community- she has been nominated for "citizen of the year". So mom's kids have done okay... My mom lives independently there in Florence, close to my sister on the Oregon Coast. She paints and spends time with her grandchildren. I'm trying to get her to write or dictate her life story... She lived through quite a lot of history... Some years back I encouraged her to look into regaining her French citizenship. With some prodding, she followed through. Though she is proud to be an American, there was always sadness when she talked of losing that part of her French identity. That was then- now, dual citizenship is recognized in France and a number of formre US-French war brides have taken this path. On March 7th of this year (my sister Nancy's birthday. She was named after the town of the same name in France, near my mom's birthplace Vaucouleurs... ), I'll meet her in Portland at the French Consulate, where her French citizenship will be re-instated. A circle now complete... It's surely almost just symbolic, but for her it means a lot... She's still going strong, this might make her a wee bit stronger.. That's my story... and hers. --Joseph Smith, Temecula, CA (submitted on Feb. 17, 2007)

Submitted by Suzanne Davis 90th birthday cruise

We have read vignettes from your viewers which suggest that money can help solve many of the issues surrounding elder care. We would like to tell you our 90 year-old mother’s story, a cautionary tale. In 2002 when pain from scoliosis and osteoarthritis became a major issue, our mother made the decision to relocate to a “5 star” life care facility in Connecticut. She made a sizable investment to purchase a one bedroom apartment. There are three levels of care: independent, assisted living and a health care center. We are upset about what has transpired and we feel people should be aware of the pitfalls. Our mother had long-term care insurance which she let lapse upon advise from the Marketing Office at the facility. After two years in Independent Living, our mother’s health declined. The facility recommended a move to Assisted Living, saying it would be beneficial given her deteriorating physical condition. Once again, we listened. We have since learned there is very little assistance in Assisted Living. Residents are provided three meals a day, medication, “bed checks” and showering. Anyone who needs more help than that has to provide his or her own. As a result, our mother, who is now confined to a wheelchair and is unable to take care of herself, is paying not only large sums (about $4,000 per month) for residing in Assisted Living, but she has had to hire round-the-clock help to take care of her which costs about $100,000 a year. Some of this cost would have been covered by her long term care insurance. Given the level of help she has had to hire, she would have been better off financially if she had stayed in Independent Living. Furthermore, the facility dictates what type of help our mother can hire. A kindly companion was rejected because she was not a CNA. Our mother is mentally acute, which is not the case for many of the Assisted Living residents. We have learned that the life care setting is geared more to the needs of the mentally disabled elderly than the needs of the physically disabled. On several occasions our mother has required admission to the Health Care Center, or full-time nursing area. We found a total lack of care, attention and compassion. While the facility consistently gets high marks from the State of Connecticut for the physical plant, in the Health Care Center our mother was neglected, verbally abused and over medicated to keep her quiet. In short, despite her large investment and assurances of the best care available, she was subjected to the same horrors some of your viewers report in Medicaid facilities. There is a history of longevity in women in our family. Our mother’s biggest concern these days is that she will outlive her resources. As aging baby boomers, we worry that same fate could befall many of us. --Suzanne Davis, Stratford, CT (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

Submitted by ELIANA DOMINGUEZ THIS IS THEIR PICTURE DURING BETTER TIMES - THEIR LAST VALENTINE'S DAY WITH HEALTH.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my story. For five years I was the sole caregiver of elderly parents. My mother suffered from Alzheimers and my father, in addition to heart disease, also suffered the pain from seeing the love of his life, my mother, crumble and wither into nothing Caring for a loved one with Azheimers is more challenging than anyone could imagine. Every single need of the patient must be met by the caregiver. My father helped me take care of my mom until he was too weak to lift her to change her diapers, bathe her, etc. I worked full-time, as I stil do. So, as soon as they became ill I started the long journey of seeking assistance from the county, state, elderly programs etc. I was unsuccessful. So I dealt with the reality. Fortunately I worked ten minutes away from my home and this would allow me to run back and forth during lunch and other times to care for them. I was raised with my two brothers whom I love very much. We have always been a close family. But, when it came time to care for my parents, this task became automatically mine as the eldest female sibling. Taking care of them was extremely difficult. I had to learn so much, their needs became bigger as each day passed. It made me at times feel so lonely, as I was alone facing their care and their every need. It was hard, but at the same time, I feel I became someone that I love as a result of this opportunity. Yes, this was the opportunity of a lifetime. I got to know so much more about these two wonderful human beings that had done so much for their children and the community. They both suffered under Cuba's dictatorship, and had brought us to this country, having left a lifetime of friends and financial security in their country to allow their children the freedom and opportunities only found here. The least I could do is give them back, even if just a little, of what they gave us. I would wake up every morning, make breakfast for them, separate their multiple pills, bathe my Mom and help my Dad in the shower. I would head to work, come back during lunch , feed them, change my Mom's and head back to work. When I arrived at the end of the day, I would make dinner, take care of their evening medications, and get them ready for bed. My father would sometimes stay up late and we would just talk about anything and everything, he reminisced of better times, of younger days, of when he met my mother, of Cuba, etc. This, he would tell me, was his favorite part of the day. He could no longer have conversations with my mother as she had lost most of her ability to speak or hear - I was all he had.I dedicated all my time to them, and I don't regret it for a second. I did, however, neglect myself a lot. I am a diabetic with heart and blood pressure problems and at times their needs became more important to me than mine. As difficult as it was, I would give anything for one more day with them. THE LESSONS i LEARNED ARE PRICELESS --ELIANA DOMINGUEZ, miami, FL (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

Submitted by Barby Oliver Barby, my Godmother Alice and my mom Betty. We were in Gulfport, MS. visiting my Godmother after Katrina.

Concerns from an Only Child. After living far away from my parents all of my adult life, I was fortunate enough to be able to move closer to them seven years ago. I presently live about a 2 hour drive from home, which is Kermit, TX. Sadly, my sweet, little daddy passed away two years ago. My dad suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and because my mother was in good health, she was his caregiver. As he declined, her health began to decline as well. That was very worrisome for me and at the time, I worked full time and could not be there constantly to help. After my dad passed away, it took about a year for my mother to regain her strength. I am very grateful now and blessed that my 83 year old mom is in excellent health. In fact, she planted a marvelous garden last year which helped her out of her “blue funk”. Mom loved sharing her harvest with friends and neighbors. After my dad passed away, I decided to retire from 32 marvelous years of teaching elementary children so I could spend some quality time with my mother and be available for her any time she needed me. Moving to Lubbock where I live is not an option for my mom. She refuses to move and says she will have home health care take care of her when the time comes. I never want to take away her independence. Fortunately, my dad, a Lieutenant Colonel WW11 Veteran from the U.S. Air Force had great medical insurance so finances and medical care are not a burden to her. MY GREATEST CONCERN is how our older parents are cared for when they inevitably have to go to hospitals or care facilities. As baby boomers, I want us unite to hold the doctors, hospitals, and hospital staffs accountable for their actions and care for our parents. My dad’s experience was a nightmare. After falling and breaking his hip, my dad had hip replacement surgery in a nearby city. Sadly, he never woke up after his surgery, but he was in the hospital for five days. Unbeknownst to us, the hospital and doctors labeled him as “imminent death pending” though no communication of this sort was relayed to our family. We continued to have hope that he would wake up and no one told us differently. Because he was old, and dying, he was moved five different times to make rooms available for other patients. My mom was told they needed his space in ICU, so they moved Daddy back to the orthopedic floor. What doctors and nurses, and hospital aides do not realize is that patients and their families are not used to death and dying. At one point, I inquired about my dad’s condition and the doctor told me he did not know because he had no crystal ball to predict the future. This is arrogant and inexcusable behavior. How are we going to insure that our parents will receive the best care when the time comes? I promised myself after the loss of my dad that I would somehow speak out for our veterans and our elderly parents. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so. God Bless YOU! --Barby Oliver, Lubbock, TX (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

Submitted by Carolyn Wignes photo of my Mother, Hattie Mae Watkins, at one of the assisted living facilities where she lived.

Caring for elderly parents should be an obligation for adult children. It is payback for the years our parents invested in rearing us. Regardless of how good of a job we think they did as parents, we still owe them our support in their time of need. I have been taking care of my mother’s business and medical needs for over 7 years. A stroke left her memory impaired but physically independent. The family found an assisted living facility that we thought would provide her a safe place to live and would manage her daily medications. We were fortunate Mom had a retirement income to cover this expense. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 7+ years of elder care, it is this: Do not think for one minute that you can leave your elderly parent in a long-term facility or even a hospital without checking on them periodically! And checking by phone doesn’t count. You need to visit the facility often to observe and ask questions. For the elderly who cannot speak for themselves, a family member or friend needs to be consistently following up with all healthcare providers to ensure your loved one gets the care they need and deserve. While I have found many individual healthcare workers are doing a good job within their individual role, I have found that the coordination between individuals, between shifts, and between health care groups sorely lacking. In this age of specialization, we seem to have lost the family doctor model that takes ownership of the patient until he/she is well, or at least out of danger. In overseeing my Mom’s healthcare, I have personally experienced some horrible mistakes and near misses made by caregivers in assisted living facilities. And I am not alone… I have heard similar horror stories from many others. It scares me to think of what happens to the elderly who have no one to personally check on them. Every elderly parent who goes into an emergency room, or a hospital, or a long-term care facility needs to have a representative go with them or to check on them to ensure they are getting the quality of care needed for their well-being and survival. If there is no family member nearby to fulfill this role, there needs to be an organization that provides this service. What an opportunity for a volunteer group or a service support organization! --Carolyn Wignes, Columbia, SC (submitted on Feb. 16, 2007)

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