Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

Widowed at 50 with 3 children, my mother, Adelaide was a strong, loving, vivacious, social and intelligent "modern" woman. A language teacher for over 40 years her students even included [former] NY State Governor George Pataki. Now, at age 86, she is in late stages of Alzheimer's Disease and barely gets out a rare few intelligible words scattered in her made-up rambling "language". It has been a long and slow progression from a little "clinical depression" which was the original diagnosis about 18 years ago. I have watched my mother descend through so many unpleasant phases of this ravaging illness. Now this formerly articulate woman has arrived back in "infanthood" totally dependent on others for her daily survival. Her journey has also been my journey. I am Christopher, the youngest of her children. I'm 47 and have been her main caregiver for the past 15+ years. She lives with me and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have become a very strong, loving manager. I have found hidden inner strength, both physical and emotional, to cope with becoming the “parent” to my mother with all that is implied. There have been so many “firsts” along the way and every one of them has made us stronger. From the first time my mother forgot a familiar face to the first time we faced incontinence I had a private cry followed by resolve to work though the challenge. My mother has managed to retain her cheerful and bright personality. She makes all of us smile at her grace and charm. It is easy to see the woman she was lurking beneath the surface of the woman she has become. People often ask me how I do it. What I don’t understand is that some people as me “why” I do it [take care of Adelaide at home]. I will answer the second question first with a very simple answer: SHE IS MY MOTHER! She was a loving parent who, I have no doubt, would have taken care of me if I had been born with some handicap or had some physical trauma while she was healthy. The answer to the first question of “how” is: to paraphrase an advertising campaign, I “just do it”! I have friends and friends-of-friends who call me for advice since I have become the default local “expert” on taking care of one’s parent(s). The first and most important words I offer are always the same: “it’s not easy but it’s also not impossible”. The toughest part is urging the newly inducted that they have to face the facts and accept the reversed role. After that…well…that’s just the beginning…and I wish them grace and good luck. --Christopher Lanni, NY (submitted on Feb. 17, 2007)

My husband and I bought a home with my mother, Fay Deright, about six years ago. She was 86 at the time. She was having some heart problems and chose to give up driving. At age 87 she had triple bypass surgery. Her quality of life improved significantly. Mother is one of nine children. Five are still living, the oldest being age 93. Mother is a hard worker and enjoys cooking and yard work. She is an avid reader and a huge fan of the Los Angeles Lakers. Church attendance is a major part of our life. We have many friends and enjoy entertaining. Mother and I plan company dinners together. The three of us have our own unique personalities, but definitely feel it was God's plan that we live together. We go to Indiana every year so Mother can be with her brother and sisters. We travel together frequently; however, when my husband and I want to get away, our oldest daughter spends the night with her. We are blessed that Mother's mind is very clear. She handles all of her financial affairs with some guidance from us. She was a nurse for 22 years - starting training at age 39. Mother just celebrated her 92nd birthday. --Lois Yoder, Murrieta, CA (submitted on Feb. 17, 2007)

My story is probably like so many others, but I want to share it anyhow! I like to call myself a 'Primary Care Manager' since I quit my day job to take on the care of my elderly parents. My parents were both in their 80's and my dad was failing. He started with prostate and bladder problems and had his first stay in the hospital last May. Also starting with some dementia and mobility problems, I left my condo behind and moved to the lower level of my parents house. Their security knowing that there was someone in the house was of first importance. My parents had always made it clear to all of us (I am the youngest of 5 children) that their wish was, to stay in their house until the 'end'. My oldest sister was working for my parents at the time, basically running their house and assisting in all other aspects of their daily lives!! In June she decided to go back to teaching, so after long discussion, I decided I would take on the care of my parents asmy full time job! I quit my job as a Purchasing and Accounting Manager to care for my parents. 'Chief cook and bottle washer' takes on a whole new meaning. The opportunities for participation in personal care abound. There are even late night diaper runs. Trips to the Doctor and bringing my mom back and forth for daily visits when my dad was in the hospital. My mom has a type of Parkinson's and is totally dependent on a walker. We bought her a very light weight one with 4 wheels and a light weight wheel chair, that I keep in my trunk for outings, are both necessities!!! We have rolling chairs in the kitchen for the times they were able to make it into the kitchen. Rolling around gives easy access to the refridgerator!! Sadly, after 7 UIT's, my dad died in October and my mom is SO grateful to have me here in the house with her. If I were not here, she would not be able to stay here alone. She can't even water a plant alone. The giving back is such an amazing reward. My mom thanks me daily for being here.....I am her driver, I get her in and out of the shower and tub, I do her hair, in between hairdresser visits, her nails and even an occasional pedicure!!! I drive her to the Doctor, an occasional movie or store, I am her dietician, her cook and her grocery shopper. I keep her favorite blue garden going in the summer and her roses in bloom!! I keep the bird feeders full in the winter and the plants in the green house blooming and flowers on tables, or by her favorite chair. After 64 years of marriage and 40 years in this house, I try also to keep her mind busy and active. Encouraging TV is something she never did for me!! When she is gone, I know my skills will allow me to once again join the working world and that I will NEVER regret a miniute of time spent here in her care. (I did recently buy a condo, to reinvest my $$ and once it closes, have a place to 'escape' to on weekends so I also feel my life is moving forward.) --Sandy Whitman, Farmington, CT (submitted on Feb. 17, 2007)

We have an amazing story of my husband's parents, Doyte and Mary Kibbey. They both turned 92 in 2206 and celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary on Jan. 1, 2007. They are both in good health and live by themselves in the home where my husband was born, almost 63 years ago. They are both active in community service clubs, social clubs and their church. Doyte is an avid coin collector, loves crossword puzzles and still rides his bicycle. He still rings the church bells every Sunday morning, at theiir church of 92 years (we have a picture of their Mother's holding them in their arms as babies in front of the church.) Mary has made over 50 quilts, reads and still teaches a Sunday School class, every Sunday. They live in Matthews, a small Indiana town of 500 people. Their church is just across the ally from their house, making it convenient for them to go over and help out with almost everything that takes place. We had several inches of snow and some blizzard conditions last week, here in Indiana and they called to check on us and make sure we were OK. I told my husband that there was 'something wrong with this picture.' We should have called to check on them! --Anonymous , Marion, IN (submitted on Feb. 17, 2007)

Submitted by Anonymous As a young hot lifeguard

Caring for the Mother I’d never cared to know I come from what can’t be the only “fractured family” in America. Parents divorced, children gone their own ways ~ no communication between any of us for years. I couldn’t even tell give my Doctors any family health history. I didn’t know them…. Didn’t want to…. Had decided years ago that I didn’t care. People would tell me that if my Mother died without us making peace, I would deeply regret it. I countered with the logic that I wouldn’t miss what I never knew. This past fall she was hospitalized and sent to a nursing home for rehab. My husband, coming from a close family, urged me to at least go visit. So I went, once, and then again. I felt badly for her, small and frail in her bed. I wasn’t going because I loved her, or even because she was my Mother. I was going because she was an elderly woman scared. Alone in her room, I had a captive audience ~ that if I so wanted, I could MAKE her give me answers. I could treat her coldly, but she looked too frail for my anger. Instead, we just talked randomly. In bits and pieces, she told me stories of her life. Then, suddenly, it was time for her to go home. And I realized that the spent time with her was like starting a really good book ~ only to have it taken away unfinished. She didn’t do well at home alone. My husband and I discussed it and made the decision to move temporarily to her small town. We rented the small apartment directly below her large one, knowing it would never work to all live together. It’s been four months now and it’s honestly one of the best things I’ve ever done. I’ve found out that I had made a lot of assumptions about how she felt about things when we were once a family. I’ve discovered that she is neither cruel nor evil. That she felt as much pain, worry and heartache as any Mother watching her children grow. I began to understand the reasons behind things in the past, and that she had done the best she could with what she had. I’m glad to be here. I look forward to seeing her everyday. We laugh, we eat donuts, and we share our thoughts and feelings. She’s frail and dizzy and falls down a lot ~ so we scoop her up, mend her wounds, take her back to the hospital when necessary. Our time together may be short or long. Regardless, I will have finished my good book. --Anonymous , Mt Gilead, OH (submitted on Feb. 17, 2007)

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