Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

My situation is unique. Our home is comprised of 4 generations of strong females! My mother however, of 86 years old has Alzeimers, which leaves my daughter, 26 who is raising her own little girl, me and my husband to all pitch in and help care for my mom. My mother was a factory worker in Detroit and her and I lived with her 2 sisters and a brother-in-law. So I learned at a very young age the value of families pitching in for one another. I also learned that hard work was necessary for survival. Because of the deep respect that I had for my mother, as a single woman, who put her life on hold for me, it seemed only natural that we would stay close my whole life. My mother has always been there for me. It was through her example that I went to college and landed in a great career. Throughout my life, my mother always took time to listen to me and live by example. I lived with endless stories about life in the days of World War II and the Depression, as well as, what it was like for my mother and her 2 sisters to be on their own when their mother died at a very young age. I learned life lessions that I will never forget. It seemed only natural that when my mother's sisters eventually died and my uncle moved down south, several years ago, my mother would move in with my family. At the time, my 2 children were teenagers. My husband and I both worked full time, and as usual, my mother worked hard and "took care of the house." She told me, as only an old Southern lady could, "I have to earn my keep!" I could not believe that she felt this way, but this was her mindset her entire life. Therefore, as guilty as I felt, I let mom clean and cook for us. She seemed to enjoy all the activity in my house and she told me that my children and their friends "kept her young." As my children grew up and moved away, my mother continued to stay in great health. After my daughter's divorce, she and my granddaughter moved back in with us. Once again, we certainly had a full house. As challenging as it was at times, it was such a blessing for all of us to be under one roof again. As time passed, my mother's short term memory slowly began to decrease. She repeated the same questions over and over again. I knew that there was something wrong. The doctor confirmed her diagnosis, but together my family decided that we would take care of my mother as long as we possible could. My mother continues to try to do laundry, although most of the time someone looses their outfit, we never loose sight of the fact that she has to remain feeling productive. Many nights are spent with my family listening to the old "war stories" (WWII) as my little granddaughter laughs and talks in the background; the difference today as compared with 20 years ago, is that I am now telling the stories back to my mother! --Debra Dahl, Sterling Heights, MI (submitted on Feb. 18, 2007)

My name is Vincent Fusco and I am the care giver for my Mom Sandy Fusco. My story goes like most of your other stories, my mom is 78 yrs old and her health is fair but not great, she is over weight with high blood pressure and very poor circulation in both of her legs wit a touch of dementia. I had made a choice this past may to give up my high paying job in the bay area, to move down to Modesto, Calif. to take care of my mother. My choice came when almost three yrs ago when my Dad pass on from a massive stroke which left my mom living alone. Paying for some one to clean the house and helping her out with some others bills, I did for some time, but it put my health in stressful situation, you see I am a 51 yr old gay male who has been living with HIV+ since 1984. It came a time when I was traveling down to see her every weekend and taking time off, weeks at a time to help her with the day to day choir's. So my decision this past May, was to move back and to stay with her. Giving up my life style, friends, and job, was my own decision and as of now I still believe I have done the right thing. Our relationship was turn into I'm the parent and she is the child, I make household decisions keeping up with her bills and mind, take the time off from my job to take her to Doctors visits, her hair appointments. and other activity's. At that time I was commuting from Modesto to the bay area with a two and a half hour each way, totaling up to a five hour commute pulse a eight hour job. this took much of my personal life to much of nothing, all my time was sleeping ,eating , taking care of my mom and that was it. So I made another decision which was to quit my job in the bay area and to look for a job in the central valley. It could me six months but i did with a pay cut, but I have a fifteen minute commute to deal with and now I can spend more time exercising going to committees with the hospital that I am working now. Also helping my mom with her getting to exercise and eating more healthier and most of all is my love for her is the most important thing in my life. I want her to enjoy these wonderful years she still has on this earth. Oh by the way she has lived on the same street for over forty-eight years and I the street is the same name as ours live on 316 Fusco Avenue, pretty cool having the same name as the street. This is my story and my love to my Mom Sandy Fusco. Thank you for reading my story. --vincent fusco, 316 fusco avenue modesto calif, CA (submitted on Feb. 18, 2007)

Submitted by Carol Smith Our Daddy and Grandpa

My Mom died in December of 2005. About 9 years before she passed away, she had a knee replacement. Our perfect, loving, feisty, spunky, active, intelligent, and independent wife, mother and grandmother was never quite the same. Her health deteriorated. She could no longer be alone. She seemed confused and forgetful. So our Daddy retired from his job at the young age of 84 to be home with her. He would help her bathe, dress, eat and take her everywhere he went. As her disease progressed, Daddy needed help so his granddaughter, Erica, began to spend 3-4 days a week assisting with the care of her Grandma. About 4 years before she passed away, Mom required constant care and Daddy need more help. Not sure what to do, Daddy and I began interviewing home health care nurses. After interviewing several without any good feelings, my sister-in-law came up with the idea that maybe our family could help out. Family members willing signed up to assist including sons, daughters, granddaughters, grandsons, and all our husbands and wives. Now we had an entire staff to assist Daddy with Mom’s care. We would bathe her, dress her, and feed her in the morning, feed her and care for her personal needs in the early afternoon, feed her dinner in the evening, and put her to bed every night. Erica became a full-time caregiver. It always took two people to care for Grandma morning, noon, and night. Daddy did the math and figured we had a minimum of 2 people per shift 3 times a day, 7 days a week. That’s 21 shifts a week and 1092 shifts a year to care for Mom. Whenever the granddaughters or grandsons would arrive at the house, they came bringing any number of great-grandchildren and Daddy knows each of them personally. As a family, we experienced a very rare and extremely rewarding opportunity. During that time, Mom taught us many real life lessons. We learned about commitment, dedication, devotion, loyalty, compassion, kindness, and service. We received great gifts of satisfaction, a sense of achievement, contentment, and much pride, pleasure, and happiness. My Daddy has been without his sweetheart now for a little over a year. He is 93 years old and has continued to be independent. However he did get a little spoiled over the past few years, so as a family we decided to keep Erica on "Daddy Daytime Duty" to help him with his meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. so he has time to do what he likes; drive (yes he still drives) to the mall or Wal-mart, walk, golf, bowl, family parties and much more. We just found out that Daddy has Muscle Invasive Bladder Cancer and after much research on treatment options, he has decided to have his bladder removed. He will be scheduled for this very extensive surgery within the next couple of weeks. This will give our experienced care giving family the opportunity again to assist with Daddy's care at home ("Trading Places"). We figure he'll live to be 100+. He is an amazing man with a great life story and a strong will to live. --Carol Smith, Salt Lake City, UT (submitted on Feb. 18, 2007)

Submitted by Carol Dishart This is the last photo of my Daddy, George Webb, taken on a gorgeous day! Thanksgiving 2006

One of the sweetest "chapters" of my life has just ended with the death of my Mother 2 1/2 years ago and then my Dad's death 2 weeks ago. I am blessed to have 4 siblings to share some of the effort and decisions, but especially grateful for my sister who was my partner in the many ways we cared for our parents during their last years. Divorced, our parents ended up in Assisted Living Facilities in separate states and 4 of us in other states. In spite of that, I was lucky enough to spend lots of special sweet time with them. They were so needy and so appreciative of all that we did for them. Daddy, a very independent Presbyterian minister, became a victim of a scam. It was then that we realized he was not safe in his home alone. With the help of my brother-in-law, a physician, we had a family intervention and "suggested" that he try out the Assisted Living Facility for one week. That day, with tears of appreciation for our love for him, he packed a bag, and never went back home. My sister and I went through every piece of paper he kept, and gradually took over his finances and the task of cleaning out and selling his home. Our relationship with Daddy became sweeter and sweeter as his needs increased. I feel that it has been a great priviledge to share this passage with my parents, and has made me a better human being in the process. I now know the best plan for my life once I reach 70! --Carol Dishart, Wexford, PA (submitted on Feb. 18, 2007)

I live in NYC. My sister, my nephew, and my Mom all live in Virginia. I know that I will have to give up this life eventually to help my sister take care of my mother. Right now my mother is fine, but just a few months ago the doctor thought my mother had a very serious illness. We lost our dad to lung cancer four years ago and are all still trying to recover from that emotionally. When we were waiting for the test results to come back on my Mom, I was starting to plot and scheme giving up my career and my life here in NY to move to VA. My Mom's still young (66) but she has chronic illnesses--none of which have stopped her from living her life at this point, but I know that eventually we will have to sell the house because of the stairs. Right now my Mom is the main caretaker for my nephew (dropping him off and picking him up from school everyday) and my sister and my mother are principal caretakers for my grandmother and have been for the past ten years. My Mom made sure Grandma kept doctor's appointments, and recently Grandma became a dialysis patient and Mom had to help with the handling of that. Often my mother is out of the house all day from the time she drops my nephew at school until she has to be back to pick him up. Occasionally she will squeeze in some time to see some friends for lunch--but not often. Right now Grandma is in the hospital because the nursing home could no longer take care of her. We all helped to take care of Grandma while we watched my dad lose his battle with lung cancer. It was exhasting for all of us. I flew back and forth home to VA on weekends; a very expensive thing to do on a working woman's salary. Mostly what my sister and I are both worried about is money. I help out with money when needed and feel guilty about not being in the day to day care of my family. I spend all of my vacation and free time with my family in VA. Neither my sister or I have a lot saved, and we are still all trying to help to raise my 12 year old nephew who will be off to college in a few years--probably right around the time my Mom will need more of our time to care for her. That part of this family saga is too long for this box. I pray every night for the health and well being of my family. I am almost always concerned about money because when you don't have enough of it, all of this can be more than a little intimidating and can bankrupt you in ways that are not just financial. It's just the two of us (my sister and me) and we are planning now how to deal with the issues that will come when my Mom won't be able to do the things that she can do now. I realize that right now my sister and I are more fortunate than most folks, but we are all too aware of what is to come. I may be faced with changing careers, moving to a new town, and taking care of Mom all at the same time. --Kathy Fauntleroy, New York, NY (submitted on Feb. 18, 2007)

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