Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

In Mar. 2005, I flew to WI to drive my parents back to Virginia Beach, where we live. In Dec. 05, our lives were forever changed by a "simple" cataract surgery. From that point, my life became a blur of drs., tests, surgeries, etc. She and I knew she was dying but no one wanted to say the words. Her every wish was my command. She never intended to outlive my father, but that is what happened. I now care for my 93 yo father. I promised no nursing homes and I meant it then and I mean it now. I have no life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. --Leah Benzineb, Virginia Beach, VA (submitted on Feb. 20, 2007)

Submitted by Steve Ray Sally Wilson Christmas 2005

This story is not one of a burden, but one of celebration. Sally Wilson just turned 98 years young this past December. Sally has had a rich and rewarding life....not speaking in a financial way, but in ways of the heart. She has been blessed to have her family close by and to be included in their lives. Sally grew up on the plains of eastern Colorado when life was a little tougher and self-reliance was a necessary trait. When she tells her grandchildren that she had her own horse....well, the kids think that sounds pretty privileged. In fact, it was just the way it was in those days. Being an only child, books became her "best friend" and those friends have served her well throughout her life. Education was important to her, and in her career years, she found herself as the administrative assistant/secretary to the Canadian Air Vice Marshal (the commanding officer of NORAD) in Colorado Springs. Sally lost her husband and life-long companion two years ago. Ed was 92 when he passed away, but he was very active too. As a matter of fact, he was known to occasionally break 200 in his weekly bowling league. Not every 92 year old can make that claim ! Sally still lives on her own and those books are still her best companion. Her daughter, Cindy, takes her to the Colorado Springs library every week, and Sally will check out 10-15 books each time. She reads voraciously, and she can hold her own in any discussion...be it current events and what the administration is doing in Iraq to Social Security to Paris Hilton and Anna Nicole Smith. She is a true delight and a role model for her family on a life "well-lived". --Steve Ray, Centennial, CO (submitted on Feb. 20, 2007)

My wife's mother was widowed 16 years ago at age 86. She is now 102. There are too many stories to tell. This will summarize dealing with the health care system, care-givers, and finances. Importantly I hope this will show our appreciation for the help of wonderful caregivers and a financial advisor. Navigating doctors and hospitals, finding these caring and expert people has been emotionally draining for my wife. When her husband died, Lucille, a delightful lady with a smile for everyone, turned off her interests, moved to an assisted living home, but alzheimer's symptoms began to show. My wife took over her finances and began to closely monitor her care. Her only resources were proceeds of the sale of her small house and medicare. Then she fell and broke her arm and hip, and was given 6 months to live. She recovered and moved to a board and care home for the elderly that my wife found after a depressing search. At this home she fell again, doctors wanted to invasively treat an ulcer she did not have, to painfully fix teeth she didn't need, said she had diabetes and gave her chocolate cake, and overmedicated her. She lost speech and memory. My wife successfully battled the doctors, the HMO and Medicare, fought bureaucracy, and kept her mother comfortable. After two years, Lucille bopped another resident with a newspaper and was kicked out for unruly behavior, and the search began again. This time my wife found a small board and care Hearthstone Lodge, run by a wonderful nurse named Sally. Lucille has been there for 12 years. Sally had a doctor stop most medications and Lucille's smile returned. She could not speak any longer. The home could not, by law, give medical treatment, so when Lucille fell again, had a minor medical problem, she had to be sent to a hospital emergency room. There, the frail 90-plus year old lady was assaulted, poked and prodded, and sent back, after nothing to do. This procedure terrified Lucille, and after one traumatic hospital visit, the hospital doctor advised that her end was so near that hospice care would be appropriate. This would avoid the emergency room and provide comfort care. Her doctor certified that she had 6 months to live. That was 4 years ago. Medicare has threatened to stop paying for hospice, causing it to quit; once we got notice that hospice was quitting and would take her bed "tomorrow." This one put my 68 year-old wife in the emergency room with a heart episode of her own. But still, my wife, with Sally's support, put out these fires. Sally has now sold the home, but Last year at Christmas, Lucille's entire family, my wife, our two children, and their three young children visited Lucille. Lucille had not spoken an understandable word for over 10 years, and when she was shown her infant great-grand-daughter, she said "Cute baby," and kissed her! Not a dry eye in the house. These were the best tears my wife had shed in a long time. We pray that God will call Lucille home soon. --David Dana, Carlsbad, CA (submitted on Feb. 20, 2007)

Independent, religious, spirited & full of life describes our mother of 90 years. After 85 we ran her 2 times a day to McDonald's, just to meet her friends that were slowing dieing off. Then, one day she knew it was time for into assisted living. As her body began to fail her she went back & forth to the hospital & rehabilitation. She had countless appointments & hours on the phone with my brother's guidance. What would I have done, if I were born an only child? My brother lives in another state, but, so wise & a loving son. Decisions, decisions. Then came the loss of one eye. Pride & a zest for life let me to long ride to N. Jersey to obtain an artificial eye. She walked in the very next day to a major family event-with pride! This women that could run rings around us, slowly needs her children. "Full circle, ya know,” she says. Her mind was her prize possession. She knew all of her appointments, medications & even the grams.  How do you live within a body that is young, whereas, you cannot see & your hearing is failing even with the hearing aids? She battled to save her last eye as it slowly dimmed. She is now in a long-term care daily in a wheelchair, able to walk, but needs a guide IF she walks with the walker. The homes are short handed. I run back & forth with anything she needs & exercise her on her walker almost each day. Every hour at home magnetizes me to return to her. She goes in & out of anger for her condition. Oh, how I prize the days, I arrive, & she is the mother of my youth. With more frustration her mind is now going & she keeps asking me why. I simply tell her that "God, prepared her over her 90 years with her strong faith." I often kid her & tell her that the only alternative was to die young, but she would have missed out on all the great grandchildren & all the new inventions since the crystal radios. Day after day I go over to the nursing home & see her from a distance & it breaks my heart. I cannot imagine being blind, hard of hearing & in a wheelchair all day long with her active mind. Aging is painful, not only to the aged, but to the people that love them. I sometimes wonder what I will do when I have to face this inevitable future. I only pray that someone like my brother or myself will be there for ME. With her mind going in and out now, she goes between anger, confusion & a sense of humor. She says she breaths into a mirror each day to "make sure everything is working." So, I return again & again saying "How are you mom?  She says with dignity, as she pulls up her Depends, "Life is full circle, Lois... just, remember that when you look at the daffodil in the Spring. It did return and  IS beautiful once more."  "But, mom, you have had 90 years that most people do not have..." She answers quickly, "I know, I know. I am greedy, greedy, greedy."
-- Lois McClure, New Jersey

My story is very simple, and I believe the most typical of children with aging parents. I am an only child with only my Mom left alive. Mom had a stroke last Dec. and I had to make the decision to have her go to a rest home. This was also upon the Doctor's suggestion. Mom lives only on Social Security and I can't afford to pay for private care for her. The rest home is one of the nicest in our city, but it is still a rest home. Mom hates seeing all the people in such bad shape, she says this is the most depressing part of the whole experience. No one has any idea what this is like for the child of an aging parent unless they have gone through the situation. Having my Mom cry and tell me she's scared, telling me she doesn't want to stay alone all night and begging me to get in bed with her. To say it's heartbreaking is an understatement. I appreciate your segments on the aging, but I also know that this is one time where money would help, even though I realize it doesn't 'buy happiness'. As with a little child, I'd rather go through this myself than see my Mom go through it. Thank you so much for the time in reading my short story --Cindy Ryba, Treynor, IA (submitted on Feb. 20, 2007)

One of the hardest aspects of dealing with dementia is dealing with driving. My father refused to believe that he couldn't drive, even though four doctors ordered him not to and when we moved him from Florida to New York to be closer to family, New York wouldn't issue him a driver's license. He managed to convince the State of Florida that he was just visiting in New York and to keep his Florida driver's license valid for most of another year. Apparently, the State of Florida would issue licenses to dead people if they thought they could vote. On the bright side of this, when we hired a home health aide to assist him with his daily living, he would have nothing to do with it until we explained that the aide was really a chauffer to drive him around. Not that he really had any place to go except for doctor's appointments and out to lunch with the "chauffer". Another aspect of dealing with dementia that is very difficult is deciding when to take over making the decisions. Looking back, if I had it to do over again, I would have taken charge of my father's affairs a couple of years earlier and insisted on moving dad to a location closer to family. In retrospect, while I was trying to defer to his wishes and leave him with the maximum of self respect, he was not making wise decisions in many areas. The result was that family members had to go to great and inconvenient lengths traveling across the country on short notice to deal with various problems, and he left behind easily preventable legal problems that his children now have to cope with. --Anonymous , Scotts Valley6, CA (submitted on Feb. 20, 2007)

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