Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

Submitted by Craig Merrifield Myself and my mother.

My mother is 92 years old. I'm an only child and my father passed away 12 years ago. My parents both worked there whole lives in a factory. Both retiring. My mother lived in her own home and was very independent. She drove a car and was very self sufficient. My mother had a stroke 18 months ago and at that time her doctor told me she should not be living alone. My wife and I decided we would move her in with us and take care of her. That lasted for 6 weeks. It was just to much pressure on us. I had to sell my mothers home and put her in a nursing home just a few blocks from where I live. She than had another stroke a couple months ago. I had to put her in a different nursing home because she required skilled care. The money she received from her home and the life savings from both of my parents is just about all depleted. At that time medicaid willl have to take care of the expenses. This is a picture I am supplying of my mother while she was living with us and prior to her last stroke. --Craig Merrifield, Denver, IA (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

There are two key factors in ensuring that an elderly parent lives happily, or at least satisfactorily, in a nursing home, as my brother and I have learned over the past seven years. One is the spirit in which the parent approaches life in a nursing home. Our 97-year-old father is upbeat, pleasant to be around and strives to make the best of every day. He reaches out to the nursing home staff and they love and care for him in return. The other factor is constant attention from the adult children. Our father lives in Arkansas, my brother lives in Boulder and I live in Los Angeles. We have hired a retired nurse who spends an hour every Monday, Wednesday and Friday with our father. They have become fast friends and she is able to keep an eye on how the staff treats him, is constantly aware of his physical condition and looks out for such needs as clothing and health supplies. Four times a year, either my brother or I attend the state’s mandated quarterly care planning sessions. We spend several days visiting our father in the nursing home, meeting with the staff, buying any new supplies and generally keeping up our parent/son relationship. Because of our father’s good spirits and personality, and because the nursing home staff sees our efforts to keep up with our father’s health, care and well-being, they are more attentive to him. Of course, he would rather be with one or both of us – and we would prefer that – but neither of us is able to provide the care and attention he needs at his advanced age. He’s determined to make the best of his situation and we all believe we are lucky to have found a caring place for him to live out his life. --Heard Bill, Los Angeles, CA (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

Just as your story on caring for your elderly parents is airing, my sister and I have been busy packing up my mothers condo, putting it up for sale and moving her into a memory care facility 700 miles away. We are fortunate that the facility will take our mother with dementia, however, in order for our mother to get quality care in another state, she will loose all of her health benefits. We will have to find another health care provider. Finding an insurance company that will accept an eighty year old woman with several health issues, not to mention dementia, that needs prescription coverage that won't charge an arm and a leg will be our next challenge!! Both the very rich and the very poor seem to make out better than the middle class in situations such as the one our family is currently struggling with. --Sharon LaBella, El Paso, TX (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

If I could convey one message only from my experiences as both a caregiver and elder law/estate planning attorney, I would suggest that no one pooh-pooh the idea of placing their parent in a nursing home -- and no parent pooh-pooh the idea of going into one. It is not the horrible thing many people believe -- so long as the family does its job by selecting a home with quality care and a good activities program. I took care of my mother, a multiple stroke victim, for almost 10 years in my home -- until it became too difficult for me to do so. I had just opened my own law practice, and was trying to juggle that with managing a home when my mother became totally disabled at age 65. I was not prepared for that financially or otherwise. In the interim, my father (from whom she was divorced) became sick, and although he lived independently until he died, he relied on me for many daily or routine tasks. I was sandwiched -- between two separate parents, instead of between generations! While my mother lived at my home she was becoming increasingly isolated and had few activities in which she had an interest. TV was her life, with a weekly visit to the local seniors program, an occasional dinner out, or trip to the doctor. Even though I tried to have many guests to the home to visit, she would often retreat to her bedroom. My mother finally decided it was time to move into a nursing home two years ago, and it was the best decision she ever made -- for her and for me. She is involved in many daily activities there and serves as the president of the resident's council (the liaison to the administration for resident issues). She plays bingo daily, she loves weekly "word game" where they post a word on a blackboard and see how many words they can make from it; they have Friday happy hours with wine and cheese and a piano player and celebrate all holidays. In all, it has been a very positive experience for her -- and for me, not having to worry about her well-being. Good nursing homes -- including Medicaid nursing homes -- provide a quality level of care and a variety of activities, which are important for the residents' outlook and well-being. Families should visit at different hours without advance notice, to see how things are run when they're not preparing for family visits (usually Sundays). Meet the staff -- nurses, aides, social workers, administration -- and get a feel for their attitude toward the residents. Is the place clean, are messes cleaned up promptly? I admire everyone out there who has taken care of a parent, knowing firsthand how daunting a task it is. But when it gets to the point where the caregiver is suffering for someone at life's end, it is time to make a choice, and choose saving the caregiver. Finally, our political leaders must act decisively by making these services part of national health care available for all, not just those who can afford it or plan for Medicaid. Our nation's future depends on it. --Joanne Fanizza, Fort Lauderdale, FL (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

Our mother and father had 10 children (7 girls, 3 boys). We were raised as strict Catholics. Daddy died at the age of 71 and Mamma lived until she was 95. When Mamma became completely helpless, we all took turns providing her with the best care we could. My two older sisters had predeceased them and 3 had moved out of state. That left 5 of us in the city to provide around the clock nursing care. I am a Registered Nurse and this care went on for about 5 years at which time my sisters could no longer handle Mamma's physical needs. We shopped around for some place that we thought she would get the best care possible, which turned out to be very close to my brother's home. Upon her arrival at the Home, she became sullen and quiet and rarely spoke to anyone. We thought it was her mental status but within 2 weeks she died. She was on Medicare and after her death we learned that she did not meet their criteria (she had a paid for burial policy which then negated her receiving any funds toward her hospitalization). I still, to this day, am sorry we did not keep her home. All of her children generously supplied the funds for her care. --William M. Crotty, New Orleans, LA (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

Ending life has not been covered by your feature as yet. Here is the story of my father (age 97 and a widower for over 30 years) who just wanted a peaceful death. After living us for over 20 years and helping me raise my two children and subsequently a step-son, my father moved into his own apartment at age 87. His lost of hearing and legal blindness force us to move him to an independent living facility. After falling and breaking his leg, the slope of his health decline increased; causing us to move him to an assisted living facility that supervised his med routine. In May, '06 he was admitted to the hospital and made the decision if admitted again, he wanted to receive only 'comfort care'. A week later he was back in the hospital and his wishes implemented. Dad was moved to a hospice care facility near us. Dad spent the last 37 days in hospice, receiving the tender loving care he deserved. At 3:30 am on June 21 the phone rang. My first thought was that a phone call at this hour was nothing but bad news. However, before answering it, my thoughts switched to this is probably good news, as dad's wishes had been granted -- which is what the call was about. Seeing my father's health decline was difficult and accepting his wish to die was not easy. However, being an only child, it was up to me to see that his wishes were fulfilled and I accept his desires. Dad had been ready to pass-on for a number of years, so this was not a hasty decision on his part. Further, being in the hospice care facility for 37 days gave me time to accept the enviable and to prepare my thoughts and remarks to be delivered at his memorial service. --Sam Malone, Marion, NY (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

My Dad has Alzheimer's, my Mom is his primary caregiver, they are in their mid 70s. After 35 years in one home, they decided it was time to sell their home and move to a retirement village due to my father's health. They have 5 grown children, spread out literally from coast to coast - Michigan, Tennessee, Florida, Nevada, and California. I am one of them. My parents live in Michigan. A couple years ago, we all came back to the family home to clean out the house (with 5 kids, you can imagine the size of the house), get it ready for sale, and have an auction of the contents - the best solution we could come up with at the time, although maybe it was not the best. It was the toughest thing we have ever done. It was heartwrenching and overwhelming, and done with lots of tears, but it had to be done. There was no choice. They are happy where they are now. However, with my Dad's health, it's very hard, and the outlook is not going to get better - ever. It takes a toll on my Mom's health as well, not to mention my one sister who still lives fairly close by them. Being so spread out (due to jobs being hard to come by in Michigan), it's really tough to help them from afar. We come home when we can, they are VERY independent and will not ask for help. We now feel reassured that they are eating well, going to their doctor's appointments, and in general, are doing well. It is expensive beyond belief. Why would someone save all their lives, only to have to be indigent in order to qualify for Medicaid? Ridiculous. Our health system, our government, is not doing enough for the epidemic that is or will be Alzheimer's. For every dollar the government spends to treat the impact of Alzheimer's, it devotes less than a penny toward finding a cure. That does not make me feel any better towards my own future. My grandmother had Alzheimer's, now my Dad has it. What do you think is on me and my siblings minds, not to mention our childrens, and their children? What are the chances that we will get it as well? I asked my doctor about that, and his reply: "What would you do if you knew?" He seemed to think it a ridiculous question. I don't think so. This is a devastating disease to the patient, the caregiver, as well as the entire family. It robs you of everything you rely on and cherish as you get older, your memories. Each year I participate in the Memory Walk, to honor my Dad, and to TRY to raise money to find a cure. Being so far away from my parents, even just doing that, I feel like it's helping, if only a small amount. I cannot say anything here that hasn't already been said. It is the most frustrating, degrading, and emotionally draining disease I know of - to the ENTIRE family. But, what will it take to have our politicians wake up and come into reality? I would not wish this disease on anyone, but, what if their parents, or even their siblings got Alzheimer's? Then would they pay attention? What it the answer? --Anonymous , Nashville, TN (submitted on Feb. 21, 2007)

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