Trading Places: Personal stories from viewers

My father turned 89 years old on Feb 4,2007. He has been widowed since 1991. He is a WWII veteran and a child of the depression era. He is a proud man. He lives in Richmond, VA. He has no immediate family in Richmond and most of his friends have passed away. I am his daughter and I live in Reston, Va and my brother lives in Newport news, Va. Today I took him to the oral surgeon for a consultation on removing some bad teeth. This appointment was scheduled as a result of the recommendation by the dentist at his retirement community that ALL of his teeth needed to be pulled, and he should be fitted for dentures. The good news was the oral surgeon decided he did need 10 teeth removed, not 23. After this consultation, I am relieved as my Dad is legally blind and is unsure if he could even handle dentures. The unexpected news was that medicare does not pay for teeth removal or dentures, unless the patient has cancer. Not a dime. Unbelievable!!! Fortunately, my Dad planned well for his retirement and we are ok financially, for now. Even so, as the person in charge of all his affairs, since his stroke in 2003, I feel alot of anxiety over providing him proper care especially since his family lives into their 90's. No one ever prepared me for elder care and I have been surprised by many aspects of this part of life. While he lives independently (with some services) for now, which illustrates how amazing he is, as he has survived a major stroke and uses a walker. He is legally blind due to macular degeneration, has a pacemaker, hearing aides and has survived prostrate cancer. He would tell you he is "disgustingly healthy" with a chuckle. A very special piece of this story is that my brother and I were adopted as young babies by our parents. They wanted children so badly and could not have their own. They gave us a wonderful life filled with many opportunies and experiences. Their approach required both financial sacrifice and personal time together sacrificed to be sure we attended our separate swim meets or other events,and they both worked full time. My brother and I (who are not blood siblings)are very grateful and thankful for our family environment we were raised in. It takes both of us to make sure we take the best care of our Dad that we can. We are both single (divorced) and my job involves extensive travel. My Mother used to tell us we were "their special angels sent from God". The major lesson I have learned in the last 4 years is that it is VITALLY important to be involved and to have an Advanced Directive/Living Will document in my posesssion at all times. If the hospital, re-hab center, or retirement home know you are there and involved with whatever is going on, better decisions are made based on the involvement of family. We are now returning the time sacrifice my parents gave to us, and we wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for your series on nightly news. From 2 people who are trying to be those "special angels". --Patricia Sims, Reston, VA (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Submitted by Agi Lurtz A photo of my father about a month before he died.

I took care of my mother until she died in 1988. She was only ill for about 7 months, but could do nothing for herself in the last 5 months. To add to the difficulty I was a brand new mother myself. My daughter was born in May and my mother died in October. My mother had planned ahead and put a DNR into place for herself. At the time I was so angry with her. I did not want to lose my mother! Later I realized it was a blessing that she had made that decision on her own. Then years later I was my father’s caregiver for the last ten years of his life. He was a retired professor, in his mid-eighties who did not fare well during long waiting periods. In a scenario that became all too common, we spent countless hours completing medical history forms and waiting in medical offices, generally 1-2 appointments a week. I would have to take a half day off of work to take him. My father spent the last 119 days of his life in ICU. We knew it was almost over. It was clear that a DNR was needed because bringing him back would only prolong his suffering. Not to mention, each revival brought him back in a worsened condition. But he did not have a DNR in place. My brothers fought signing the paperwork and it created a very tough rift in the family at the most difficult time possible. During these complicated months and years of care, I realized that other families must be going through the same type of problems. We are baby boomers and that alone speaks to the sheer number of us facing this "trading places" of sorts. So I set out to make a difference and developed a way to ease the burden caregivers and assisting the physicians and staff at the same time. In just a year after my father died we launched our first medical practice. I give thanks and honor my father for the vision he gave me that will hopefully help tens of thousands in the same position I was in for so long. There is no cost for patients or caregivers, only time savings and peace of mind. Recently I learned that you should thank God for the difficult times in your life and now I fully believe in doing just that. First and foremost I was able to be with both of my parents until they drew their last breath. Then honor them with a way to help others. As hard as it was to spend the months and years taking care of my parents and then my own family, I now treasure those memories and I am so grateful to have been able to be there for them in the end as they were there for me in the beginning. --Agi Lurtz, Norman, OK (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

we are one of the lucky one's. when my mother had a stroke in 2004 at the age of 84 my sister's and I didn't know what to expect. we knew before she was released from the hospital she couldn't stay by herself and no one in the family could give her the care she needed. we agreed along with the doctor all she needed was assisted living, not a nursing home. she was so active. she worked one day a week at a big discount chain store and volunteered at the hospital a couple days a week. so we knew we might have a fight on are hands. when the time came to approach her about what needed to be done all three of us were amazed. she understood that she could no longer drive her car, go to work or the grocery store or anything by herself. long story short. she love's her apartment at homestyle assisted living. they have activities she enjoys, and she has fun. and she knows if she needs anything, i'm just a phone call away, as my sisters are miles away. ps: mom was a good invester with her money. she pays her own bills. like i said at the beginning we are lucky. --chip loyd, fayetteville, AR (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Submitted by Mary Beth Harrod My grandmother Frances Griffin Thomas and her great-grandson, Roman

My story is a unique one. My husband, one year old son, and I moved from Rochester, NY to Frankfort, NY in November so that we could be closer to our families as we raised our son. Not wanting to rush into the purchase of a home, we debated what we would do in terms of living arrangements. My mother, her siblings, and my siblings had been working in shifts to care for my 89 year old grandmother who fell and broke her hip this past July. After then being diagnosed with liver disease, she was sent home from the hospital with Hospice Care. My mother's siblings live all over the country: a sister in TX; two sisters in AK; a sister in NV; a sister in VA; a brother in OH; and a brother in Albany, NY. While my mother took care of my grandmother most of the time, her siblings would schedule visits for extended time (1-3 weeks) to give my mother a reprieve and care for their mother. As my husband and I pondered what to do, my mother suggested we live with my grandmother and provide her with round the clock comfort and care in exchange for free rent until we decided what our next steps would be. So here we are, a few months later experiencing the challenges that go along with adult care. My grandmother has an aide that comes three mornings a week for two hours provided through Hospice services. I help my grandmother bathe, prepare her meals, accomopany her while walkng and toileting and get her ready for bed. I manage her medications as well. While watching my grandmother, I am also watching and caring for my one year old son. He loves my grandmother and she loves him. He crawls under the table and affectionately pinches her legs. He has given her happiness when her days seem bleak. It is comforting to take care of a loved one who is not able to for herself any longer. I enjoy knowing I am helpng my mother and her siblings in caring for my grandmother. However, it is quite challening some days. I can't leave the house unless one of my siblings or mother comes to be with my grandmother. They do on a daily basis come down to let me run errands or to enjoy social engagements, but it can be difficult to not be able to "run somewhere" quick. My grandmother suffers hearing loss and has become quite confused. Most days she does not remember that I am her granddaughter, but thinks I work for her. This can be sad and frustrating, but I try not to take it personally. Overall, there is a lot to be learned by caring for another who at one point cared so much for you. I am able to express thanks to my grnanmother with more than just words for the years she watched and cared for me as a child. And I hope that someday when I am old and feeble and scared to be alone, someone will care for me. It is one of the greatest gifts of humanity that we can give to one another. --Mary Beth Harrod, Frankfort, NY (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

Submitted by Diane Everett Picture of Opal and Gordon Everett

My mother and father-in-law went into assistant living just a year ago. It was the best decision they along with their 4 children made. They sold their house in Windham, Maine where they lived for 7 years and prior to that they lived in Presque Isle, Maine and on the old homestead farm in Washburn, Maine, where my husband was born and raised. Gordon Everett, 89, was a major in the Army National Guard before he suffered a heart attack. Gordon was only 47 years old when he had the 1st heart attack. He suffered two more in two years and just 9 months short of retiring. He has since had 2 by-pass surgeries, the latest one was when he was 80. Opal is 81 and suffers from the first stages of Alzimeher's and a heart problem called A-Fib. It was getting difficult for her to put together meals for them. Since moving to Sunbury Village in Bangor, Maine, where they don't have to prepare any meals they go down to the dining room, which is a load off my mother-in-laws mind. It seems they take their turn going in and out of the hospital for one thing or another. Thank God for my sister-in-law, Lorraine Tarr. She lives in a East Holden just outside of Bangor. Lorraine has been there every step of the way, from going down to helping them organize and downsizing their belongings. It was a challenge to help them to decide what to keep and what to let go of. Lorraine is there just about every day to be involved with what they are doing. She takes them to every single doctor's appointments. Lorraine was also the person that convinced them that they no longer needed to drive. That is a very biggie in a persons life, to finally give up your independence like driving. Lorraine has given her whole to make sure that they are well taken care of and to go down with them to watch the music events that goes on in the lobby. The facility that they are in is so nice but then you have to be able to afford to live there. As far as Long Term Insurance, it is my belief that if you are a person with past heart problem or current heart problems, you are not insurable. I believe that my in-laws checked into this and was told this. That is something that you can check on yourself to make sure of the facts. Thank you for reading my story. --Diane Everett, Windham, ME (submitted on Feb. 22, 2007)

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